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My Emotions

In my entire life, I have always had a problem with anxiety and recently it developed into depression as well. I have always been very good about hiding these feelings, putting up a smile and cheerfulness into my personality but around the summer of 2015, everything started changing. Every morning I woke up and I would just think, “Why another day?” or “No, please no.” The idea of getting out of bed had nothing to do with me being lazy and wanting more sleep. Once I am awake, I immediately want to get up from my bed and go do something. The thoughts I was having every morning had to do with my emotional state. I would just wake up with an overwhelming sense of dread and despair. Even though the idea of getting up from bed was bad, nothing compared to the horror I felt about leaving my house for any reason. I would have to focus myself to walk out the door and get in my car to go anywhere. On the days that I had to work, by the time I got to work, I just felt like crying. Every single day around this time, fighting back the tears was a constant battle. There were quite a few times though that the tears won. For me, crying or showing emotions in general, is terrible and incredibly draining. Just a few seconds after the release of all of these emotions and tears, I would feel nothing. I was numb for hours or sometimes days. Emotions have never been my strong point. Some people would just call me serious especially when I was in high school and early college years because I definitely wasn’t the party animal or even a fun person. I preferred to stay at home or my dorm than doing anything else. Everything would drain me. I hated being like this though. I still hate this about myself. I have missed out a lot in life because of my lack of energy, desire, and motivation. Again, I want to say, I am definitely not lazy. I am a hard working person who loves to do a good job at everything. But unfortunately, the constant fears and anxieties that I possess have severely affected my life. I want to change and I am working on changing.

I have realized during the last couple of weeks that one of the major factors to my anxiety and depression is that I don’t love myself. I have always lived with the fear of complete silence and isolation. For the longest time, I thought those fears came from just the normal idea of its creepy and what if a murderer comes to kill me when I am alone but now I have realized that the reason I have these fears is because I didn’t want to be with myself.  I have never been happy or satisfied with who I am and how I look. The idea of spending time with me and my thoughts was horrifying. There were thousands of negative and hurtful thoughts in my brain that if I was by myself and allowed them to come through, I would end up depressing myself more. I learned a long time ago how to avoid my thoughts and problems. Youtube, Tumblr, and Netflix were the three major helpers when it came to avoiding everything. It’s easier to avoid and push my problems aside when I can focus on my favorite youtubers or watch my favorite shows while scrolling through tumblr for hours. When I am doing my avoidance activities, I am 100% invested in those things, not because I am obsessed (well only a litte XD) with these youtubers or tv shows but because if I am not, the fear, panic, anxiety, etc will come in. It comes like a wave that overtakes everything about me. I wouldn’t want anyone to ever feel these emotions. I don’t want to feel these emotions or any emotions. That’s why I hide online. Online, I can hide from everyone and everything. I know hiding and avoiding my problems is not healthy but for a long time, that was the only way I could survive. It was the only way for me to live a semi-normal life.

Now, that I have talked a bit about my thoughts and avoidance activities that I do, I want to talk about the body issues I have. First off I want to say that I don’t ever remember anyone calling me fat or trying to shame me for my weight but I know for a fact that I did it to myself constantly. I was lucky that growing up, I didn’t have any of my friends tease me and I can’t recall any memories of being bullied about my weight or anything really by them. For the most part, my friends were the ones telling me that I was beautiful and encouraging me to be happy with who I am. I never believed or listened to them though. The only memories I have about being shamed about my weight was when my parents would say something. They weren’t doing it to be cruel or hurtful. My dad would say things like, “You are gaining weight…Maybe stop drinking so much soda,” and my mom would say things like, “You shouldn’t wear white or bright colors and definitely no strips on your clothing because that makes you look fatter.” Those kinds of phrases from my parents weren’t hurtful right off the bat but they would stay with me. I would only buy dark or black clothing because it made me feel slimmer. I would only wear solid colors and jeans for years. I was frequently eluding mirrors and my reflection especially full length mirrors.  I was and still to this day have compared myself to other women around me. There are a lot of factors that have caused me to be fat. Before I get into those though, let me just say, for years, the word “fat” was very offensive to me. I hated hearing or seeing that word anywhere because I hated myself. Even though I wouldn’t let people around me know that I was having these thoughts and I never said anything to my family or friends when they would say “fat,” I felt like just the mention of that word was a personal attack to me. Lately I can finally say that word about myself and I am okay with that. Being fat is not a bad thing and I have started to love myself. It’s been a long process though.

When I said that there were a few factors that play a role to my weight, what I was referring to was some health conditions, my eating habitats, and my lack of physical activity. I am not going to pretend that I exercise because I don’t and I am not going to lie and say that I eat super health because I definitely don’t. I love food and I have a massive sweet tooth. I have a massive caffeine addiction. I love my pop and fast food. Exercise has never been a part of my life except during my childhood and during high school. I used to swim a lot when I was earlier, played soccer with my cousins, and was in marching band all four years of high school. My physical activity has definitely decreased since leaving high school. My last job at Walmart had me running around a lot so that did help maintain my weight a bit but after I quit there and started working at Verizon, my weight started to go up. These two things have caused me to be fat and prevent me from losing weight but there are two other things that make it hard for me to lose weight but make it super easy for me to gain. Only a few people close to me know this but I have a thyroid condition called hypothyroidism which means that I have underactive thyroid and I also have polycystic ovarian syndrome which is another hormonal disorder causing enlarged ovaries and they have cysts. Both of these conditions are fairly common and both of these cause weight gain and make it difficult to lose weight. Again I want to say, I know that I am not helping myself with my eating and exercise habits. A lot of people assume by looking at someone that is overweight or fat, that it’s just because they eat too much and do no exercise and yes there are some people like that out in the world. The reason I want to share my conditions with you guys is not because I want sympathy or want people to say, “oh well she can’t help it, its medical,” the reason I want to share this is because I want people to understand that there are hundreds of reasons or conditions that cause someone to be overweight. There are a lot of factors that play a rule in people’s lives and it’s unfair for someone to fat shame individuals without knowing the whole story.

-Stacey

Author:

Welcome to my blog! Here you can find a little of everything. My poetry, conversations about mental illness, movies, books, shows, dungeons and dragons, etc. Another thing that you find here will be some short stories. I have several ideas, just need to write it out for you! I hope you will stay and start a conversation with me! Enjoy!

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