For this Bad Mexican Daughter post, I don’t have a specific topic to discuss but I just want to talk about my recent experience with my family when I flew down to Arizona at the end of June. So I went back to AZ for my mom’s 50th birthday, she is the member of my family that I am closest to so I felt like I could not miss her birthday this year for any reason. I was excited to spend time with her and celebrate her birthday even though being around my family for 4 days straight with no place to hide is really hard.
To save money, I decided to stay at my parents’ house instead of booking a hotel room and honestly I think that was a mistake. Just like I always do, let me just say, I love my family but unfortunately, they agitate my anxiety so much. When I am hanging out with them, especially my sister and dad, I just feel completely judged and like an alien.
Let me explain the alien part. I am VERY different from my family. I love to read, love fantasy/science fiction/superhero movies, rock/metal music and I just don’t always connect with them about their likes. So when I am there and I am just reading or watching a certain show on TV, there is always someone in my family who comments on how weird I am. They like saying how “white” I am and that if I didn’t look like them, they would think I wasn’t part of the family because I am so different.
I have worked really hard over the years to like and love myself. I have worked hard to not be ashamed of my interests and just who I am in general. Which means that every time I spend a decent amount of time with my family, all of the work I have done on myself seems to go out the window. I find it so difficult to like myself and not be ashamed of myself when I have people constantly telling me how different and strange I am. I know they are not trying to be mean, they are just pointing out the obvious but when I have told them how those comments make me feel and they still continue, I don’t know what else I can do besides just stay away from them.
My sister is probably the person that says these kinds of comments to me the most and somehow makes me feel the worst about myself. She and I have always been opposites and while growing up, I was the good daughter and she was the troublemaker. Now those roles have reversed in my parents’ eyes because I choose to take care of myself first instead of focusing on the family and moving away.
Since we couldn’t have a party for our mom this year because of the pandemic, my sister came up with an idea to reach out to our friends and family to submit a happy birthday video message for our mom. I thought that was a brilliant idea and I helped as much as I could. She reached out to the majority of people though because she had access to our mom’s phone book since they live together and I don’t. She had to point out for the entire four days I was there that she did pretty much everything by herself. She also decorated the house for our mom’s birthday, did it while I was out, and then made comments like she did this all because she loves mom so much and that she didn’t get any help.
I just wonder sometimes if other people feel like aliens in their own family or if it’s just me. Honestly it feels like I am constantly speaking a different language from the rest of my family and I have to try so hard not to let it completely trigger my depression and my anxiety.
Sorry for the long winded rant about this. Hopefully some of you will understand my feelings and thoughts about this. Maybe there are a few of you that even feel like this too.
Alrighty, have a great day everyone!