Posted in blog, emotions, family, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, mourning

The End of an Era

A few months ago, I wrote about a friendship of mine that had changed. One where my friend and I were very close, very dependent on each other but after 10+ years of friendship, we were just becoming too different to stay best friends. But since that post, many things have happened. 

My friend and I used to be roommates and wow, was that a bad choice. Our friendship pretty much dissolved completely in just a year. The first post where I wrote about our friendship was about 9 to 10 months into us living together. If any of you have read that post, which was called “Friendships Change,” you would understand how our friendship was before it blew up. It was helpful, healing, and just fun. Music played a huge role in our friendship. Unhealthy family dynamics probably played the largest role in our friendship. 

Anyways, I wanted to write about this again because since that post, the friendship has completely exploded. Even though I was still under a lease at our apartment, I just told her that I would continue to pay my part of the rent but I was moving out. I couldn’t live in a place where I felt constantly criticized and where my life and the people in my life were looked at with disdain. 

I had hoped deep down that once I moved out and some time had passed, we would be able to maybe mend our friendship. I didn’t think we would ever be best friends again like before, but maybe just a friend that you talk and hang out with here and there. How wrong I was. 

As soon as our lease was up and we moved completely out, she removed me from all social media and blocked me. The day I found that out, man, did it hurt. All my hopes about keeping her in my life were gone. It has been about 5 months since we last talked. Whenever something big or important happens in my life, my first instinct is to text her and tell her about it but then I remember I can’t do that anymore. 

There are some days when all of this really hurts and I just want to cry. She was like a sister to me, someone who I trust over everyone else. I know I don’t have that person anymore, that they are just gone sucks so much. I have grieved for loved ones before that have passed away, and this pain is very similar to that. The person who was my sister, my best friend is gone; she doesn’t exist anymore. 

Day by day, the pain is slowly fading. I have made new friendships, who support and encourage me, who love the me I am today. She made her choice. If she wants nothing to do with me anymore, then I will move on and eventually, I hope that I will just remember our friendship for the good times we had. I wish her nothing but the best. 

If any of you have ever gone through something like this or are currently going through this, just know it gets better. But remember, it is still okay to mourn that friendship, that held a special place in your heart for so long.

Posted in Bad Mexican Daughter, blog, emotions, family, fandom, Insecurities, life, lifestyle

The Bad Mexican Daughter, Part 2: “Family Don’t End With Blood”

Welcome back to The Bad Mexican Daughter. I hope those of you who read the first part of this series not only enjoyed it but also connected to it in someway. I know that for me, as I was writing part 1, I felt a major sense of relief. Those were thoughts I have had for years, thoughts that had haunted and taunted me. It felt good to be able to express myself freely for the first time. Not holding back at all. 

So I want to continue that feeling. Here is The Bad Mexican Daughter, Part 2: “Family Don’t End With Blood”

“Family Don’t End With Blood” has become a very important part of my life and how I see the world. For those of you who do not recognize that signing, don’t worry I will explain its origin and for those that do know this quote, let’s be friends! Anyways, this quote was said by a character in the TV show, Supernatural (one of my favorite shows of all time). He is yelling this quote to the two main characters, explaining that even though they are not blood related, they are family. 

This statement has always held a very special place in my heart. I have always been that individual that felt more comfortable, more understood with people outside of my family than with those that I share blood with. That is a very un-Mexican thing to think. My parents, especially my mom always argued with me because I didn’t like going to family parties. That feeling started at a young age, probably 8-9. I just knew that I didn’t fit in with my cousins, that I didn’t want to play or dance with my family. My mom would just say that I was misbehaving and she would force me to go to family events. 

Let me explain one thing very quickly. I came from a typical Mexican family, meaning LARGE family. Both of my parents had several siblings and cousins and those individual’s all had 2-6 kids so I have A LOT of cousins. And unfortunately for me, I have only ever truly connected with 3 of those cousins. My extended family loves parties, loud music, dancing, drinking, etc. That is not my scene at all so during these events I would find the farthest corner away from everyone with my close 2-3 cousins, if they were there, and just tried to ignore everything around me. Those events always made me anxious and uncomfortable, yet I still had to go. 

Lucky for me, once I got into high school, started honor classes and joining clubs, I had several excuses to miss those parties. Eventually the only time I would see my extended family was at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Even then, I would leave early to spend time with friends or my boyfriend at the time. 

The older I got, the more certain I was that my “family” wasn’t only those related to me by blood. When I say this, I want to make sure that everyone understands that I am not saying that my blood family isn’t my family anymore. But those who I have chosen to be my new family are just as important and precious to me as the others. Family should be those who you want in your life, to share important moments with, the people who understand you. For me, the majority of those individuals are not blood relatives and that is okay. 

Sometimes, I feel bad feeling this way. Mexican culture is very strongly connected to family. Family is the most important thing in the world, next to God. I was told this my entire life. So when I say that the family I have chosen isn’t those blood related to me, its almost like a slap in the face to my blood-related family. But I believe we all have the right to feel comfortable and safe with those we call family and that is why I can’t call all of my blood relatives my true family. 

When I was younger, I figured these thoughts and feelings would go away but they only intensified. Now as a 26 year old woman, I can understand that these thoughts, these feelings are perfectly okay and this acceptance all started with that quote from Supernatural, “Family Don’t End With Blood.” If you feel closer and safer with people who are not blood relatives, that is okay. If you want to spend time with your new family more than your blood relatives, that is okay. Life is too short to continually put yourself in situations where we feel uncomfortable and strange.

Posted in Bad Mexican Daughter, blog, family, life

The Bad Mexican Daughter – Part 1

Ever since I can remember, I have always said that I am a bad Mexican daughter or in general just a bad Mexican. My entire family is Mexican, both of my parents were born in Chihuahua, Mexico, moved to the US in the 90s, and later had me and my sister. Growing up in California, I was surrounded by Mexican culture; the music, food, people, religion, traditions. All of it. So you would think I should be good at being Mexican but you would be wrong. These next set of posts will example how I am a bad Mexican. 

Quick disclaimer, if you find that you are like me and would be considered untraditional in your culture, that is completely okay. I have come to terms with being different from my family and it doesn’t mean we love each other any less. They like to give me a hard time about the way that I am but oh well, that just means I need to return the snarkiness right back to them. Be who you are and do not be ashamed of that person because that person is great. 

Now onto probably the biggest reason I consider myself a bad Mexican, I am too “white” or at least that’s what several family members and friends have said. 

Let’s start with the first example of how I am a bad Mexican or too white…I suck at speaking Spanish. Spanish was actually my first language with English being taught to me here and there. I went to a bilingual preschool and that is where English became the main focus. As I grew up, I would only speak Spanish with my family because there was no need for me to speak it at school. When I would go visit family visit in Mexico as a teen, my relatives would tease me about my “bad” Spanish which was becoming more “Spanglish” every year. Then when I was 18, I moved away to Nebraska and I really didn’t speak any Spanish there at all! Only time I got to practice my Spanish was on my weekly calls to my mom back in Arizona. Once I moved back to Arizona in 2018, my Spanish was just terrible. My family gives me crap about it constantly to this day.

Second example: Being a nerd, liking rock/metal, and liking the foods I like makes me too white. So I have a big family, a lot of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc and on top of that I have had many Latinx friends and let me tell you, it is really hard to find people with the same interests as me. Like I said before, I am a huge nerd, whether it’s fantasy, sci-fi, anime, those are my things. Being a nerd is not a very Mexican thing and my family has never understood where my love for these things came from. Plus when I was younger, my parents would try and deter me away from things like Harry Potter and video games because they didn’t like them. It was always strange to my family when I would choose to skip a family party to stay home and read or watch something nerdy. They believed I should enjoy going to family parties, dancing, being around people but that just isn’t me. Besides my love for nerdy things, I also love rock and metal music way more than what my family likes, which is country and latino music. I can appreciate those styles of music but it’s just not my preference at all. I remember when I discovered bands like Linkin Park and Disturbed, my mom was upset and believed it was the devil’s music which was making me different from the family. I think my family just never understood the beauty behind this kind of music because they just focus on the aggressive guitar/drums and “screaming” vocals and not on the lyrics. Lastly, to many I am too white because I prefer foods like steak and sushi and prefer drinks like whiskey and craft beers. These items to people in my family, at least, would be considered “white people food.” I never understood why what it liked to eat mattered so much, especially because I enjoy Mexican food too, just not as much as the others I mentioned. Yet, my family likes to bring it up to me and comment on it. 

These are just a quick overview of things that make me seem too white to my family and adds to be being a bad Mexican. I know these few examples are not major traits to me, they are just simple parts of who I am but when you are like me and are so different from those in your family, these little traits are always criticized and mentioned.

This is just part 1 of The Bad Mexican Daughter series. Later I will focus on other traits and beliefs like religion that makes me different. Please come back and if you have a question or comment, feel free to send me a message!

Posted in blog, emotions, family, fandom, friendship, geek, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, music, nerd, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

To anyone that might read this

Hi my name is Stacey and thank you for visiting my blog. I started this blog years ago when I was going through the worst depression I have ever experienced and needed a safe place to express my emotions, my thoughts. My depression back in 2015 was no joke, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t function as a human being. I had to go on leave from work for six months and was going to therapy, at first five times a week, with a psychologist and a counselor. I had no real support in my life which made everything ten times tougher. I was in a loveless, harmful relationship with a guy that believed his problems were the only problems that mattered. My family lived in another state which sucked but honestly even if they had been in the same state, their presence would have probably added to my depression.

Let me explain. I love my mom and I know she loves me but I am a disappointment to her. I am first generation college student who was always good at school so my family expected me to go to a university, graduate in four years and get a good paying job right out of college. Let’s just say that did not happen. Instead I moved away from my family after my freshmen year, moved in with a boy, and dropped out of college. My family, especially my mom, likes to bring this up and how I should be done with school and my degree by now. Also my mom doesn’t believe in psychology and psychological disorders. She was raised in Mexico in a very Catholic environment and if you had a problem or any stress, you were to pray to God for help not go to a doctor or therapist. So when I had my mental breakdown, my mom could not understand why it was happening and she didn’t believe I needed therapy and medication. To add to all of this, I was getting texts from my sister, who was still living with my parents, that I needed to stop being selfish and move back home because I am upsetting our mom. Absolutely no support or kind words from her at all, just judgement. Lastly, the main reason my depression would have been worse with my family around…my dad. In another future post that I am going to write I will go into detail about my relationship with my dad. All I need to say now is that he was a compulsive gambler and alcoholic for my entire childhood and life (until recently) and he is a great deal of stress and anxiety in my life. I never told him about my depression or anxiety because he would have made a joke about it and believed that I was just being a “drama queen.” Currently, our relationship has improved slightly but if I spend too much time around him, or see him and my mom interact, my anxiety and stress spikes.

Okay, enough about my family drama. Back to reason I am writing all of this down. I want this page to be where I can write about anything and have a conversation with people about issues like depression, anxiety, family problems, unhealthy relationships. But also have a place to talk about fun things that I love like fantasy books (or just books in general XD), movies, harry potter, supernatural, dungeons and dragons, paranormal, conspiracies, etc. etc! I also want to continue to work on my poetry which has a special place in my heart. I think I covered everything I wanted to cover. I hope someone reads this and wants to come continue a conversation with me that I start. We shall see I guess! Thanks to anyone who is here reading this!

-Stacey