Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, life, lifestyle, love, nerd, relationship, Uncategorized

Friendships Change

Letting go of a 10+ year friendship is never an easy thing. Hell, even letting go any friendship is really hard. These friendships might have been what you needed to heal and grow at one point of your life but things change. People change.

I have had someone in my life for years and for the longest time, it was like we were twins. Of course, we had different personalities and ways of thinking but in general we were very much alike. From obsessing over Harry Potter and Supernatural to both of us having serious family drama. We could relate to each other so well that we could just look at each other and know what the other one was feeling. I’ll admit, it probably hasn’t the healthiest friendship around. I think we were very dependent on one another and that was probably not the best idea.

As the years have gone by, we have both changed and matured quite a bit. Both of us have been through some serious trauma since we met back in 2010 and both of us are still trying to heal. The main issue now though we can’t relate to each other anymore. My friend was always very political and strong minded, which I have always admired, but after spending time in the Midwest and expressing different cultures/lifestyles, we have come to see the world very differently. She will hate on something that she loved last year just because of one bad article without looking into the accusations more. She judges people’s desire to be in a relationship because she sees it as unnecessary and a waste of time. She is quick to criticize your behavior as unhealthy even though she does some unhealthy things as well.

I am not saying all of this about her to make you think I am better than her. Quite the opposite, she has been very successful in her career and school. She has healed a lot through therapy. I am extremely proud of her and everything she has accomplished. I just wish she would acknowledge those things about me rather than judge me for the way I live my life and what I want to achieve. I know I have a lot of growth in me still, I just wish the person who I have considered my best friend for so long would see that without criticizing me. I wish I could still talk to her about anything like before and get advice, get help instead of judgmental comments and looks.

I am happy that she has found others in her life to rely on and communicate with. I am happy she is achieving her goals and dreams. At this point in our friendship, I have to accept that we can’t depend on each other anymore and we have others in our lives that we are closer to. I always thought she would be my maid of honor at my wedding but now I am sure she won’t be. If I can’t be completely comfortable and safe with her, I can’t consider her a best friend or my twin anymore. It breaks my heart but we are just different people now, with different ways of thinking.

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, Uncategorized

A regret from my past

Over the last several years my confidence has definitely grown and improved. I remember being a young teenager, looking in the mirror and hating everything about myself. My weight, my skin color, hair, teeth, even eye color. There was nothing about myself that I loved but I became very good at hiding this pain. My smile was my greatest mask. I realized that if I had a smile on my face, people would believe I was confident. Now as I have gone up, I know I was not alone in hating myself as a teenager but honestly I don’t remember any of my friends ever talking about that so I just assumed they liked themselves and that was it. I have always been the chubby friend honestly and now I am okay with that. Back then, damn it was hard. Going shopping with my friends was the worst because they would want to go to all these stores that only had sizes 0-12 and I was a size 16 back time which now I would honestly love to be size 16! Either way, going shopping with them always made me very uncomfortable and depressed because I knew I wouldn’t be able to find something that fit me and I would just have to stand there while they enjoyed themselves and found cute outfits. My friends never teased me about my weight or my appearance if anything they always told me how pretty I was or that I looked nice. When they would compliment me, my anxiety and own issues made me think that they were just lying to me to be nice. Taking pictures with my friends was something that didn’t happen often. I have a lot of pictures that I took of my friends but very few pictures have me in them. I would avoid a camera like the plague or I would volunteer to be the one to take the pictures. I hated my picture being taken and even today, I have a problem with it. All of my insecurities come out when I see myself in a picture. “Oh my god, why am I so fat? Ugh, my smile looks stupid, my hair looks bad.” All of this and more would go through my head so I just avoided those situations. I regret this behavior now. I wish I had more pictures of myself from junior high, high school. I do have a lot of fun and amazing memories from that time in my life but unfortunately because of my low self-confidence and hatred of myself I don’t have many pictures to look back on. That will always be one of my greatest regrets from my adolescent years. Don’t let that negative voice in your head stop you from living your life to the fullest. Don’t let insecurities ruin your present but you might regret in the future that you did this. 

Posted in blog, emotions, life, lifestyle, love, Uncategorized

Late Night Thought

I don’t like the way I am most of the time. I mean I like myself but I always hate how I act and react to certain situations. Things that should be simple are turned into massive problems. Things that are extreme issues are ignored and disregarded. I should just be comfortable by now to express myself and my concerns but sometimes I think that will never happen. I’ll never be completely comfortable enough to fully express myself. If I were to do that, I would probably be called a bitch or stupid for feeling these things. I know that’s not true for everyone in my life. There are those who welcome my truth and want to know my thoughts but others who supposably know me have no interest in finding out what is actually happening in my life. Change is coming and change is scary. But change is also a good thing, a necessary thing. Whether that’s starting a new job. Trying a new workout routine. Or cutting out someone that is unhelpful and uncaring. The people around you who will accept you and your changes are those who should stay, not those who will judge you with their tone, with their disapproving look. Find those who support you. Find those that have encourage you.

Posted in blog, emotions, life, lifestyle, Uncategorized

Change is okay

Don’t be afraid of change. Change is a terrifying thing but it can lead to you discovering who you are, where you totally belong, and lead to the best experiences in your life. This is the story of the biggest event in my life that completely changed the course of my life forever.

Ever since I moved out to Nebraska over five years ago, I have become a different person. I am definitely not the same young woman that wanted to move away from everything familiar. So desperate to escape the world that I believed was awful. And in many ways, I still think that my life back in Arizona was pretty terrible but it wasn’t all bad. I guess I should start this entry by saying I do not regret my choice to move from Arizona to Nebraska. I truly believe it was the best choice I have ever made in my life.

I remember when I told my family and friends that I wanted to move away from home, they thought I just wanted to move out of my parents’ home. When I specified that I was referring to moving out of state, to Nebraska no less, there was a lot of confusion and anger from those closest to me. At the time I was hurt that they didn’t believe enough in me to think I could survive away from everyone but as time has gone on, I know they were more scared and sad than anything else.

It’s crazy to believe that when I moved out here, I was only 18. I was so young. Okay, maybe 18 is not really that young but in my family and in my group of friends, you just didn’t move out of your parents until you are older. Or well, married. Anyways, I was young when I left everything I had ever known. When I was 18, I thought I was a full blown adult. I thought I know everything and I didn’t need help from my family with regards to anything. Oh how wrong I was.

The first week was so rough. What am I talking about? The first year was rough; adjusting to a new city, new roommates, new job, new EVERYTHING was terrifying. Even though Nebraska and Arizona are both of course in the United States, the culture in these two states is completely different. The hardest part about moving away was being gone during holidays. I honestly didn’t think I would get as homesick as I did. I remember crying any time there was a holiday coming up. The worst though was when my first birthday came around. My boyfriend and new friends did everything they could to keep my mind off of home.  I am so thoughtful for all of the people that have come into my life here in Nebraska. They are some of the best people I have ever met. I know I would have moved back a long time ago if it wasn’t for these incredible people.

Over time, I have finally come to see Nebraska as my home. I haven’t felt that homesickness that I felt when I first moved out here. I love Arizona, or well my friends and family down there but I don’t think I could ever live there anymore. I love the culture here in Lincoln. There are actual seasons here! I can experience autumn and winter. I have finally experienced snow and a white Christmas. I get the great feeling of a smaller town but with all of the comforts of a big city.

There are a billion events that have happened in the last five years here in Nebraska. I would have never experienced these things if I had stayed in Arizona. I know I would be a completely different person if I had stayed. I am truthfully so happy with the person I am today and my choice to make a massive change is behind it. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but it was worth it. The people who I have met here have allowed me to become the person I was always meant to be. I don’t feel the need to hide myself and that’s all because of this move and the people in my life now.

Change is a part of life. Many shy away from it. They never take a chance. I don’t blame them. Change is scary, it’s hard, and it’s unpredictable. But without change, without taking a chance with something different, you may never discover who you really are. Take that chance, make that change. They will change your life forever.

Posted in blog, friendship, life

My Confidant

Today I was reminded of you. 

Cleaning out my phone led to our past conversations. Those conversations seem so old now, from so long ago. Going through those messages made me sad but more than that, they made me angry. Angry at you. 

You had left me once before. That hurt. I thought we were close yet you disappeared on me. Years later we reconnected. I was cautious. I was nervous. But I gave in and let you back in. We talked all day, every day. We motivated each other. We were there for one another. 

When everything came tumbling down on me last year, you were there. You made yourself available to me 24/7. You made sure I never felt alone. You got me through what I would consider the toughest period of my life. And for that, I’ll always be grateful. 
But this didn’t last. 

You and I started communicating less and less. Still I thought we were okay. Life was just busier now. Later came the quiet distancing. You stopped confiding in me and at some point I stopped confiding in you too. Before I know it, you had vanished. Never heard a goodbye because you never offered me one. No explanation. No resolution. Nothing. 

At this point in my life all I want from you now is to know you are okay. Healthy and alive. Honestly that’s all. Whatever the reason was for disappearing with no warning, it doesn’t matter anymore. 

You were one of my closest friends. My confidant. Losing you will probably always hurt. I’ll live with that. 

I just want to know that wherever you are, you are okay.

-Stacey

Posted in death, emotions, friendship, life, lifestyle, mourning, relationship

May 4th

Today is the day I have been dreading for a long time. Today is the day I believed would cause a setback with my anxiety and depression. And yet honestly it’s been an okay day. Let me explain.

Today, May 4th, is the anniversary of one of the dearest friends, Patrick, passing away. It had been two years now. I remember this day last year was absolutely awful. The entire day I felt sick, I couldn’t do anything. I can’t eat, sleep, think, talk; nothing at all. To some, this kind of reaction might seem dramatic or excessive but it was my reality. My true and genuine reaction that I was so sure would repeat itself today. But it didn’t.

My behavior and attitude today was different. Although I am still and will always be heart broken that he is gone, I felt like honoring him, not mourning him. And knowing him, the best way to honor him was by living my normal life, enjoying the little things, and by rocking out to some music.

I went to work today and laughed with my coworkers. I smiled and helped customers. I enjoyed that cool breeze as I walked to my car. I sang my heart out to some random songs on my long drive home from work and I relaxed the rest of the day by watching YouTube and writing. He would be proud of me.

Patrick wouldn’t want me to be crying, feeling like shit all day as I laid in bed. How I felt last year, he would have never been okay with that but it’s what I needed at the time. When people say it gets easier as time goes on, I never believed it because if you lose someone special, it should always affect you right? Right but what I didn’t realize is that yes a death of a loved one will always affect you and be with you but not in a bad way. Today has made me realize that I need to live my life and be happy. Not because it’s what Patrick would have wanted for me but because I should want it for myself and that’s what I have forgotten that Patrick taught me. He always wanted me smiling, enjoying my life. No matter what the day had in store for me, I need to start feeling joyful and thankful for everything I have.

I miss him every day. I will always miss him. But it’s time for me to start honoring the amazing man that he was and to start seeing myself and the world with his eyes because he was right.

-Stacey