Posted in emotions, friendship, lifestyle, love, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

Unknown Game

Silence speaks loudly to me
This distance draws me closely
The unknown kills
While the known changes to fiction

Everything happens for a reason
But the reason is unclear
And when the silence speaks louder than words
This game is painful
No enjoy remains

I may appear weak
I swear I am not
Honesty is all I seek

The silence kills me
The unknown cripples me
Be honest
Free me of this constant torture

Posted in blog, emotions, life, lifestyle, Uncategorized

Change is okay

Don’t be afraid of change. Change is a terrifying thing but it can lead to you discovering who you are, where you totally belong, and lead to the best experiences in your life. This is the story of the biggest event in my life that completely changed the course of my life forever.

Ever since I moved out to Nebraska over five years ago, I have become a different person. I am definitely not the same young woman that wanted to move away from everything familiar. So desperate to escape the world that I believed was awful. And in many ways, I still think that my life back in Arizona was pretty terrible but it wasn’t all bad. I guess I should start this entry by saying I do not regret my choice to move from Arizona to Nebraska. I truly believe it was the best choice I have ever made in my life.

I remember when I told my family and friends that I wanted to move away from home, they thought I just wanted to move out of my parents’ home. When I specified that I was referring to moving out of state, to Nebraska no less, there was a lot of confusion and anger from those closest to me. At the time I was hurt that they didn’t believe enough in me to think I could survive away from everyone but as time has gone on, I know they were more scared and sad than anything else.

It’s crazy to believe that when I moved out here, I was only 18. I was so young. Okay, maybe 18 is not really that young but in my family and in my group of friends, you just didn’t move out of your parents until you are older. Or well, married. Anyways, I was young when I left everything I had ever known. When I was 18, I thought I was a full blown adult. I thought I know everything and I didn’t need help from my family with regards to anything. Oh how wrong I was.

The first week was so rough. What am I talking about? The first year was rough; adjusting to a new city, new roommates, new job, new EVERYTHING was terrifying. Even though Nebraska and Arizona are both of course in the United States, the culture in these two states is completely different. The hardest part about moving away was being gone during holidays. I honestly didn’t think I would get as homesick as I did. I remember crying any time there was a holiday coming up. The worst though was when my first birthday came around. My boyfriend and new friends did everything they could to keep my mind off of home.  I am so thoughtful for all of the people that have come into my life here in Nebraska. They are some of the best people I have ever met. I know I would have moved back a long time ago if it wasn’t for these incredible people.

Over time, I have finally come to see Nebraska as my home. I haven’t felt that homesickness that I felt when I first moved out here. I love Arizona, or well my friends and family down there but I don’t think I could ever live there anymore. I love the culture here in Lincoln. There are actual seasons here! I can experience autumn and winter. I have finally experienced snow and a white Christmas. I get the great feeling of a smaller town but with all of the comforts of a big city.

There are a billion events that have happened in the last five years here in Nebraska. I would have never experienced these things if I had stayed in Arizona. I know I would be a completely different person if I had stayed. I am truthfully so happy with the person I am today and my choice to make a massive change is behind it. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but it was worth it. The people who I have met here have allowed me to become the person I was always meant to be. I don’t feel the need to hide myself and that’s all because of this move and the people in my life now.

Change is a part of life. Many shy away from it. They never take a chance. I don’t blame them. Change is scary, it’s hard, and it’s unpredictable. But without change, without taking a chance with something different, you may never discover who you really are. Take that chance, make that change. They will change your life forever.

Posted in death, emotions, friendship, life, lifestyle, mourning, relationship

May 4th

Today is the day I have been dreading for a long time. Today is the day I believed would cause a setback with my anxiety and depression. And yet honestly it’s been an okay day. Let me explain.

Today, May 4th, is the anniversary of one of the dearest friends, Patrick, passing away. It had been two years now. I remember this day last year was absolutely awful. The entire day I felt sick, I couldn’t do anything. I can’t eat, sleep, think, talk; nothing at all. To some, this kind of reaction might seem dramatic or excessive but it was my reality. My true and genuine reaction that I was so sure would repeat itself today. But it didn’t.

My behavior and attitude today was different. Although I am still and will always be heart broken that he is gone, I felt like honoring him, not mourning him. And knowing him, the best way to honor him was by living my normal life, enjoying the little things, and by rocking out to some music.

I went to work today and laughed with my coworkers. I smiled and helped customers. I enjoyed that cool breeze as I walked to my car. I sang my heart out to some random songs on my long drive home from work and I relaxed the rest of the day by watching YouTube and writing. He would be proud of me.

Patrick wouldn’t want me to be crying, feeling like shit all day as I laid in bed. How I felt last year, he would have never been okay with that but it’s what I needed at the time. When people say it gets easier as time goes on, I never believed it because if you lose someone special, it should always affect you right? Right but what I didn’t realize is that yes a death of a loved one will always affect you and be with you but not in a bad way. Today has made me realize that I need to live my life and be happy. Not because it’s what Patrick would have wanted for me but because I should want it for myself and that’s what I have forgotten that Patrick taught me. He always wanted me smiling, enjoying my life. No matter what the day had in store for me, I need to start feeling joyful and thankful for everything I have.

I miss him every day. I will always miss him. But it’s time for me to start honoring the amazing man that he was and to start seeing myself and the world with his eyes because he was right.


Posted in blog, lifestyle, poem, poetry


It all starts with a hello
What can it hurt?
Say hello to those forgotten
Say hello to those lost
It all starts with a hello

Reconnect with old friends
Remember the good old times,
Those amazing memories
Start planning to make more
It all starts with a hello

You could end up meeting new people,
Finding your soulmate
Discover a new passion
Create new adventures
It all starts with a hello

Such a powerful word
Very scary and intense
But a hello is all you need
It all starts with a hello


Posted in lifestyle, poetry

The Way It Is

The air is running out
Walls are caving in
Constantly holding back tears
Constantly presenting a fake smile

You don’t know me
I don’t know me
Make it change
Maybe it will never change
Who knows?

The darkness comes and goes
Some light comes in randomly
Though it does not last
The constant cold scares me

Enjoy the bright moments
Do not give into the darkness
Darkness, go away
Darkness, fade away


Posted in lifestyle, poetry


During the day, I’m okay
Light from the sun
Noise of the traffic
All of this blocks the effect of the fireworks
But I can feel them out there

All different shapes and colors illuminate the night sky
Roars from the fireworks breaking down the silence
Every night this happens
Every night they keep me up
Will they ever stop?

All night, I’m counting sheep
Covering my face with the blanket
If they are really bad
Under the pillow my head will go
Nothing works

Passing out from exhaustion just means my dreams will be affected
Nightmares, restlessness
They are always on my mind
Can’t hide from their growl
It’s a constant explosion

Go away
Go away


Posted in friendship, lifestyle, relationship

Goodbye is Not Okay

Reconnecting is amazing, reconnecting is terrifying. Its exciting yet awkward. You could be talking to someone you have known for years and yet the friendship seems to be new and starting from scratch. What causes so many friends to part? What causes people to almost forget all of the experiences that were shared together? Is life really so crazy that is causes us to separate from those we called “friends” or even “best friends?” In a world where people can be connected 24/7, how are friendships just disappearing? Staying best friends after years and years is definitely hard, people are constantly changing but those amazing friendships can just become regular friendships. Why completely forget each other? If there is a falling out, okay fine, that’s one thing. If there is nothing like that though why are we erasing each other from our lives?

When growing up, friends never believe they will part and fall out of the friendship zone. Then days, weeks, months, maybe years later, those “friends” will no longer exist. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and realize I’m completely alone and isolated. Where have you all gone? I don’t believe I am asking for much. A simple conversation, opening up a small line of communication can’t be that hard nowadays. When I am reaching out to these people, are they feeling or thinking the same way as me or have they not even bothered to care about our lost friendship at all?

If you were part of this tight group, where is that close group now? I miss them, do they miss me? Where these relationships more important to me than to them? Did I just imagine our closeness and our connection? Did I just care too much? Were these friendships all lies? All of these questions and more consume my thoughts daily. How could they have just become a “facebook friend?” When was liking someone’s post or picture an acceptable why to show someone that you still care and that you two are still friends? If there hasn’t been an conversation between you two in years, there is no friendship anymore.

Have we all become so busy with our lives and posting about our lives on social media sites that the idea of sending a simple, “Hey how have you been? Let’s catch up,” message just too much? Why does it take a serious event to bring up back together? We used to be together all the time. We supported each other and we laughed together all the time. Now we are nothing but facebook friends. I’m sorry but that’s not okay.

Do you ever miss me? Do you ever want to say hi? I know I do. New events and friendships are great and exciting but why does that mean the old ones have to evaporate?

We may never get back to what we had but let’s just be friends again.