Posted in blog, emotions, family, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, mourning

The End of an Era

A few months ago, I wrote about a friendship of mine that had changed. One where my friend and I were very close, very dependent on each other but after 10+ years of friendship, we were just becoming too different to stay best friends. But since that post, many things have happened. 

My friend and I used to be roommates and wow, was that a bad choice. Our friendship pretty much dissolved completely in just a year. The first post where I wrote about our friendship was about 9 to 10 months into us living together. If any of you have read that post, which was called “Friendships Change,” you would understand how our friendship was before it blew up. It was helpful, healing, and just fun. Music played a huge role in our friendship. Unhealthy family dynamics probably played the largest role in our friendship. 

Anyways, I wanted to write about this again because since that post, the friendship has completely exploded. Even though I was still under a lease at our apartment, I just told her that I would continue to pay my part of the rent but I was moving out. I couldn’t live in a place where I felt constantly criticized and where my life and the people in my life were looked at with disdain. 

I had hoped deep down that once I moved out and some time had passed, we would be able to maybe mend our friendship. I didn’t think we would ever be best friends again like before, but maybe just a friend that you talk and hang out with here and there. How wrong I was. 

As soon as our lease was up and we moved completely out, she removed me from all social media and blocked me. The day I found that out, man, did it hurt. All my hopes about keeping her in my life were gone. It has been about 5 months since we last talked. Whenever something big or important happens in my life, my first instinct is to text her and tell her about it but then I remember I can’t do that anymore. 

There are some days when all of this really hurts and I just want to cry. She was like a sister to me, someone who I trust over everyone else. I know I don’t have that person anymore, that they are just gone sucks so much. I have grieved for loved ones before that have passed away, and this pain is very similar to that. The person who was my sister, my best friend is gone; she doesn’t exist anymore. 

Day by day, the pain is slowly fading. I have made new friendships, who support and encourage me, who love the me I am today. She made her choice. If she wants nothing to do with me anymore, then I will move on and eventually, I hope that I will just remember our friendship for the good times we had. I wish her nothing but the best. 

If any of you have ever gone through something like this or are currently going through this, just know it gets better. But remember, it is still okay to mourn that friendship, that held a special place in your heart for so long.

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, mourning, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

Untitled

Been thinking of you lately 

All of our memories, 

our goals and dreams 

Images flood my mind 

The strangest things remind of me you 

The holidays always make me reflect 

On life, on my choices, my goals 

Before you were included in my life, choices, goals

Now you don’t fit into the equation

Around me I see happiness, a future 

I see my dreams coming true

A smile on my face more and more 

Then I remember you and the past 

You were my biggest cheerleader, 

My best friend 

But you choose to be hostile, to change and 

not be willing to change together 

So now I’m happy 

But without you

it seems weird 

I know it’s just weird now 

This is all new to me, of course it’s weird 

Soon I’ll still be happy

But without the weirdness  

because eventually this weirdness will disappear

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, mourning, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

This is the end

Today 

I lost you 

For a long time I denied it 

I was in denial 

But today I lost you 

 

You and I were broken

Damaged 

Alone 

But you and I were twins at the end of the day

 

Together we suffered 

Together we survived 

Together we conquered

Because we were twins 

 

When we were down, we had each other 

When we were up, we celebrated together

When we cried, we cried together

When we needed support, we supported each other 

 

Now we scowl, bark, bicker

Now we judge, criticize, disdain

 

Do you miss us?

I know I do

 

Losing you has hurt me more than I imagined 

Losing you has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to face

This loss will take a long time to recover 

But I will recover

I will move on, 

I will be happy

Posted in death, emotions, friendship, life, lifestyle, mourning, relationship

May 4th

Today is the day I have been dreading for a long time. Today is the day I believed would cause a setback with my anxiety and depression. And yet honestly it’s been an okay day. Let me explain.

Today, May 4th, is the anniversary of one of the dearest friends, Patrick, passing away. It had been two years now. I remember this day last year was absolutely awful. The entire day I felt sick, I couldn’t do anything. I can’t eat, sleep, think, talk; nothing at all. To some, this kind of reaction might seem dramatic or excessive but it was my reality. My true and genuine reaction that I was so sure would repeat itself today. But it didn’t.

My behavior and attitude today was different. Although I am still and will always be heart broken that he is gone, I felt like honoring him, not mourning him. And knowing him, the best way to honor him was by living my normal life, enjoying the little things, and by rocking out to some music.

I went to work today and laughed with my coworkers. I smiled and helped customers. I enjoyed that cool breeze as I walked to my car. I sang my heart out to some random songs on my long drive home from work and I relaxed the rest of the day by watching YouTube and writing. He would be proud of me.

Patrick wouldn’t want me to be crying, feeling like shit all day as I laid in bed. How I felt last year, he would have never been okay with that but it’s what I needed at the time. When people say it gets easier as time goes on, I never believed it because if you lose someone special, it should always affect you right? Right but what I didn’t realize is that yes a death of a loved one will always affect you and be with you but not in a bad way. Today has made me realize that I need to live my life and be happy. Not because it’s what Patrick would have wanted for me but because I should want it for myself and that’s what I have forgotten that Patrick taught me. He always wanted me smiling, enjoying my life. No matter what the day had in store for me, I need to start feeling joyful and thankful for everything I have.

I miss him every day. I will always miss him. But it’s time for me to start honoring the amazing man that he was and to start seeing myself and the world with his eyes because he was right.

-Stacey