Posted in blog, emotions, family, fandom, friendship, geek, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, music, nerd, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

To anyone that might read this

Hi my name is Stacey and thank you for visiting my blog. I started this blog years ago when I was going through the worst depression I have ever experienced and needed a safe place to express my emotions, my thoughts. My depression back in 2015 was no joke, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t function as a human being. I had to go on leave from work for six months and was going to therapy, at first five times a week, with a psychologist and a counselor. I had no real support in my life which made everything ten times tougher. I was in a loveless, harmful relationship with a guy that believed his problems were the only problems that mattered. My family lived in another state which sucked but honestly even if they had been in the same state, their presence would have probably added to my depression.

Let me explain. I love my mom and I know she loves me but I am a disappointment to her. I am first generation college student who was always good at school so my family expected me to go to a university, graduate in four years and get a good paying job right out of college. Let’s just say that did not happen. Instead I moved away from my family after my freshmen year, moved in with a boy, and dropped out of college. My family, especially my mom, likes to bring this up and how I should be done with school and my degree by now. Also my mom doesn’t believe in psychology and psychological disorders. She was raised in Mexico in a very Catholic environment and if you had a problem or any stress, you were to pray to God for help not go to a doctor or therapist. So when I had my mental breakdown, my mom could not understand why it was happening and she didn’t believe I needed therapy and medication. To add to all of this, I was getting texts from my sister, who was still living with my parents, that I needed to stop being selfish and move back home because I am upsetting our mom. Absolutely no support or kind words from her at all, just judgement. Lastly, the main reason my depression would have been worse with my family around…my dad. In another future post that I am going to write I will go into detail about my relationship with my dad. All I need to say now is that he was a compulsive gambler and alcoholic for my entire childhood and life (until recently) and he is a great deal of stress and anxiety in my life. I never told him about my depression or anxiety because he would have made a joke about it and believed that I was just being a “drama queen.” Currently, our relationship has improved slightly but if I spend too much time around him, or see him and my mom interact, my anxiety and stress spikes.

Okay, enough about my family drama. Back to reason I am writing all of this down. I want this page to be where I can write about anything and have a conversation with people about issues like depression, anxiety, family problems, unhealthy relationships. But also have a place to talk about fun things that I love like fantasy books (or just books in general XD), movies, harry potter, supernatural, dungeons and dragons, paranormal, conspiracies, etc. etc! I also want to continue to work on my poetry which has a special place in my heart. I think I covered everything I wanted to cover. I hope someone reads this and wants to come continue a conversation with me that I start. We shall see I guess! Thanks to anyone who is here reading this!


Posted in band, emotions, marching band, music

My Connection with Music

I’m sure everyone everywhere has always said that music is their favorite thing ever and they can’t live without it. This post is going to be kind of like that but I want you all to know how special music is to me when we are done. I am a very fake person when it comes to my emotions. I hate emotions, any of them, even the goods ones like happiness. The reason for that is emotions take so much energy from me. They drain everything I have. I have always been like this. It has always been easier for me to be fake happy and cheery either than face and show my actual emotions.

The only time it’s simple for me to express anything is when I’m listening to music, playing an instrument, or singing. Truth is though I haven’t played an instrument since 2011 when I graduated from high school. I definitely miss it all the time. Being in marching band and regular band during all of high school was some of my favorite times in my life. Every semester when we got new music to perform, I knew there was going to be that one piece that I connected to above all others; that one piece of music that would cause me to have and show emotion while listening and performing it.

For three years, I had watched seniors get super emotional during this last performance and I never really understood it. I had felt powerful emotions during these 3 years before but nothing like what these seniors were expressing. So when I was a senior in high school, the final concert was intense. During my final performance, I was so overwhelmed honestly. Here were all of my friends, people that I had grown up with, people I had performed it, people who had been on the same journey with me since day 1 of band camp in 2007. These people had been around to witness my highs and lows. In the audience all of the band parents and friends were sitting listening to us. After four years of band, you get to know all of the band parents very well and it was so special to them all out there. The actual performance seemed to last forever and yet not long enough. By the time the last note was played and the echo of that note evaporated from the air, there was just this overwhelming silence in my heart. I knew I wasn’t going to ever play with all of these amazing individuals again and I had played this bass clarinet for four years now which I had to give back now. It might seem silly to some of you that I was emotional over returning an instrument but I really was. When you spend hours every day playing the same instrument, cleaning it, taking care of it, repairing it, etc, you start to care about this instrument, almost like a pet. That sounds weird and I feel weird even saying that but whatever, that example works!

Besides performing in band, just listening to music all the time is very special to me. There are a lot of songs and artists that always help me remember specific memories. For example, any Avenged Sevenfold song reminds me of my great friend Andres and just hanging out with him after work and rocking out to their songs. Their songs also remind me of going to their concert in 2012 with my friend Jessica from Arizona State. I love connecting memories or people to songs or groups although sometimes I wish I didn’t have those connections that they bring intense emotions. An example of that is listening to the song called Until It’s Gone by Linkin Park.

I am going to start this story by talking about how much I love Linkin Park. They have been in my top 5 bands forever and that will never change! I love everything they come out with and I’ve seen them in concert more than any other group or performer. There are some many songs that I can relate to very easily and I just believe that are extremely talented. Anyways back to the story. Their song “Until It’s Gone,” came out 2 days after a dear friend passed away. The lyrics and the pain that I hear in this song made me connect it to losing him. Everyone that was around me during that time can tell you that I didn’t cry or get super emotional until right after the funeral service. I guess at the time, I didn’t know how to show or relate how devastated I was but I would show my friends the video to this song, I honestly think, it would make them understand my pain.

Okay, I could go on and on about music, bands, songs, etc but I won’t right now! I might make a part 2 for this topic. Hope you enjoyed this post!