Hi my name is Stacey and thank you for visiting my blog. I started this blog years ago when I was going through the worst depression I have ever experienced and needed a safe place to express my emotions, my thoughts. My depression back in 2015 was no joke, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t function as a human being. I had to go on leave from work for six months and was going to therapy, at first five times a week, with a psychologist and a counselor. I had no real support in my life which made everything ten times tougher. I was in a loveless, harmful relationship with a guy that believed his problems were the only problems that mattered. My family lived in another state which sucked but honestly even if they had been in the same state, their presence would have probably added to my depression.
Let me explain. I love my mom and I know she loves me but I am a disappointment to her. I am first generation college student who was always good at school so my family expected me to go to a university, graduate in four years and get a good paying job right out of college. Let’s just say that did not happen. Instead I moved away from my family after my freshmen year, moved in with a boy, and dropped out of college. My family, especially my mom, likes to bring this up and how I should be done with school and my degree by now. Also my mom doesn’t believe in psychology and psychological disorders. She was raised in Mexico in a very Catholic environment and if you had a problem or any stress, you were to pray to God for help not go to a doctor or therapist. So when I had my mental breakdown, my mom could not understand why it was happening and she didn’t believe I needed therapy and medication. To add to all of this, I was getting texts from my sister, who was still living with my parents, that I needed to stop being selfish and move back home because I am upsetting our mom. Absolutely no support or kind words from her at all, just judgement. Lastly, the main reason my depression would have been worse with my family around…my dad. In another future post that I am going to write I will go into detail about my relationship with my dad. All I need to say now is that he was a compulsive gambler and alcoholic for my entire childhood and life (until recently) and he is a great deal of stress and anxiety in my life. I never told him about my depression or anxiety because he would have made a joke about it and believed that I was just being a “drama queen.” Currently, our relationship has improved slightly but if I spend too much time around him, or see him and my mom interact, my anxiety and stress spikes.
Okay, enough about my family drama. Back to reason I am writing all of this down. I want this page to be where I can write about anything and have a conversation with people about issues like depression, anxiety, family problems, unhealthy relationships. But also have a place to talk about fun things that I love like fantasy books (or just books in general XD), movies, harry potter, supernatural, dungeons and dragons, paranormal, conspiracies, etc. etc! I also want to continue to work on my poetry which has a special place in my heart. I think I covered everything I wanted to cover. I hope someone reads this and wants to come continue a conversation with me that I start. We shall see I guess! Thanks to anyone who is here reading this!
Letting go of a 10+ year friendship is never an easy thing. Hell, even letting go any friendship is really hard. These friendships might have been what you needed to heal and grow at one point of your life but things change. People change.
I have had someone in my life for years and for the longest time, it was like we were twins. Of course, we had different personalities and ways of thinking but in general we were very much alike. From obsessing over Harry Potter and Supernatural to both of us having serious family drama. We could relate to each other so well that we could just look at each other and know what the other one was feeling. I’ll admit, it probably hasn’t the healthiest friendship around. I think we were very dependent on one another and that was probably not the best idea.
As the years have gone by, we have both changed and matured quite a bit. Both of us have been through some serious trauma since we met back in 2010 and both of us are still trying to heal. The main issue now though we can’t relate to each other anymore. My friend was always very political and strong minded, which I have always admired, but after spending time in the Midwest and expressing different cultures/lifestyles, we have come to see the world very differently. She will hate on something that she loved last year just because of one bad article without looking into the accusations more. She judges people’s desire to be in a relationship because she sees it as unnecessary and a waste of time. She is quick to criticize your behavior as unhealthy even though she does some unhealthy things as well.
I am not saying all of this about her to make you think I am better than her. Quite the opposite, she has been very successful in her career and school. She has healed a lot through therapy. I am extremely proud of her and everything she has accomplished. I just wish she would acknowledge those things about me rather than judge me for the way I live my life and what I want to achieve. I know I have a lot of growth in me still, I just wish the person who I have considered my best friend for so long would see that without criticizing me. I wish I could still talk to her about anything like before and get advice, get help instead of judgmental comments and looks.
I am happy that she has found others in her life to rely on and communicate with. I am happy she is achieving her goals and dreams. At this point in our friendship, I have to accept that we can’t depend on each other anymore and we have others in our lives that we are closer to. I always thought she would be my maid of honor at my wedding but now I am sure she won’t be. If I can’t be completely comfortable and safe with her, I can’t consider her a best friend or my twin anymore. It breaks my heart but we are just different people now, with different ways of thinking.
Today is the day I have been dreading for a long time. Today is the day I believed would cause a setback with my anxiety and depression. And yet honestly it’s been an okay day. Let me explain.
Today, May 4th, is the anniversary of one of the dearest friends, Patrick, passing away. It had been two years now. I remember this day last year was absolutely awful. The entire day I felt sick, I couldn’t do anything. I can’t eat, sleep, think, talk; nothing at all. To some, this kind of reaction might seem dramatic or excessive but it was my reality. My true and genuine reaction that I was so sure would repeat itself today. But it didn’t.
My behavior and attitude today was different. Although I am still and will always be heart broken that he is gone, I felt like honoring him, not mourning him. And knowing him, the best way to honor him was by living my normal life, enjoying the little things, and by rocking out to some music.
I went to work today and laughed with my coworkers. I smiled and helped customers. I enjoyed that cool breeze as I walked to my car. I sang my heart out to some random songs on my long drive home from work and I relaxed the rest of the day by watching YouTube and writing. He would be proud of me.
Patrick wouldn’t want me to be crying, feeling like shit all day as I laid in bed. How I felt last year, he would have never been okay with that but it’s what I needed at the time. When people say it gets easier as time goes on, I never believed it because if you lose someone special, it should always affect you right? Right but what I didn’t realize is that yes a death of a loved one will always affect you and be with you but not in a bad way. Today has made me realize that I need to live my life and be happy. Not because it’s what Patrick would have wanted for me but because I should want it for myself and that’s what I have forgotten that Patrick taught me. He always wanted me smiling, enjoying my life. No matter what the day had in store for me, I need to start feeling joyful and thankful for everything I have.
I miss him every day. I will always miss him. But it’s time for me to start honoring the amazing man that he was and to start seeing myself and the world with his eyes because he was right.
Reconnecting is amazing, reconnecting is terrifying. Its exciting yet awkward. You could be talking to someone you have known for years and yet the friendship seems to be new and starting from scratch. What causes so many friends to part? What causes people to almost forget all of the experiences that were shared together? Is life really so crazy that is causes us to separate from those we called “friends” or even “best friends?” In a world where people can be connected 24/7, how are friendships just disappearing? Staying best friends after years and years is definitely hard, people are constantly changing but those amazing friendships can just become regular friendships. Why completely forget each other? If there is a falling out, okay fine, that’s one thing. If there is nothing like that though why are we erasing each other from our lives?
When growing up, friends never believe they will part and fall out of the friendship zone. Then days, weeks, months, maybe years later, those “friends” will no longer exist. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and realize I’m completely alone and isolated. Where have you all gone? I don’t believe I am asking for much. A simple conversation, opening up a small line of communication can’t be that hard nowadays. When I am reaching out to these people, are they feeling or thinking the same way as me or have they not even bothered to care about our lost friendship at all?
If you were part of this tight group, where is that close group now? I miss them, do they miss me? Where these relationships more important to me than to them? Did I just imagine our closeness and our connection? Did I just care too much? Were these friendships all lies? All of these questions and more consume my thoughts daily. How could they have just become a “facebook friend?” When was liking someone’s post or picture an acceptable why to show someone that you still care and that you two are still friends? If there hasn’t been an conversation between you two in years, there is no friendship anymore.
Have we all become so busy with our lives and posting about our lives on social media sites that the idea of sending a simple, “Hey how have you been? Let’s catch up,” message just too much? Why does it take a serious event to bring up back together? We used to be together all the time. We supported each other and we laughed together all the time. Now we are nothing but facebook friends. I’m sorry but that’s not okay.
Do you ever miss me? Do you ever want to say hi? I know I do. New events and friendships are great and exciting but why does that mean the old ones have to evaporate?
We may never get back to what we had but let’s just be friends again.