Posted in blog, Books, fandom, Fantasy, Uncategorized

September Book Wrap-Up!

Mitosis by Brandon Sanderson

4/5 stars

This was a novella for The Reckoners series. It was a fun, entertaining story that added more backstory to this world. I wish I could have known and read this book between Steelheart and Firefight because it would have added some hints to the mystery behind the Epic’s weaknesses. 

The Emperor’s Soul by Brandon Sanderson 

4/5 stars

The Emperor’s Soul was another novella by Brandon Sanderson connected to Elantris. It is insane to me how good Brandon Sanderson’s world building can be in a novella under 200 pages. The heroine of this novella was incredible, intelligent and I just loved her. I would say you could read this novella without reading Elantris because although they are in the same world, they are two separate stories. 

Secret History by Brandon Sanderson 

5/5 stars

Now let’s talk about Secret History. This is a novella connected with the Mistborn series, specifically Mistborn era one. I can’t really say much about this book because it would result in spoilers BUT I will say that if you missed reading about the incredible characters in Mistborn era one, read this book because some of them are back. I got literal chills while reading Secret History, being back in this world with some of my favorite fantasy characters was just so nice. 

Agent to the Stars by John Scalzi 

4/5 stars

John Scalzi is one of those authors that I always enjoy reading their work. Science fiction books are sometimes hard for me to get into but Scalzi’s writing and characters help me enjoy his sci-fi worlds. Agent to the Stars was another great read from Scalzi for me. The main character is a celebrity agent who is fairly successful so his boss decides to assign him a new client. This client just happens to be an alien whose alien race wants to make themselves known to humanity. This book is full of witty and smartass conversations that make you love the characters. 

Where Dreams Descend by Janella Angeles 

4/5 stars

Okay so Where Dreams Descend was a fun book and the promo for this book was so accurate. I kept hearing that this story was a combination of Moulin Rouge, Greatest Showman, and a bit of Phantom of the Opera and if you know me at all, I am a musical theater lover! Everything I heard about this book made me so excited! There was magic, romance, a circus, dark pasts and intrigue; all of these things together make for a great book, in my opinion! Side note: I heard a lot of people comparing Where Dreams Descend to Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern but I disagree. I honestly didn’t like Night Circus, the idea was cool but I don’t like the flowery writing in that book at all. So if you are like me, dislike Night Circus, don’t let that dislike stop you from reading this book. 

Hideaway by Penelope Douglas 

4/5 stars

Okay we are on book two of Devil’s Night and man, this series is SO GREAT! Penelope Douglas is my favorite Romance writer for sure! The main characters from the first book in the series, Corrupt, are in this book as well but the MCs we follow are now Kai Mori and Banks. Michael and Rika are trying to move on from the events of Corrupt but Kai and Banks are still very much invested in the mysteries that resulted from Corrupt. 

The Lost Hero by Rick Riordan 

4/5 stars

Returning to Riordan’s book worlds has been so much fun. He just never disappoints me at all. I loved how this book connects the Roman gods to the Greek ones we have come to know. Some of my favorite characters from the Percy Jackson series are back again in this series but we do have new teenagers that we are following mainly. I can’t wait to continue with this series! 

The Time of Contempt by Andrzej Sapkowski 

3/5 stars

This is the second full-length novel in the Witcher series and it was just okay. I wish I was more in love with this series but it is just not my favorite. I know I will continue this series eventually but honestly right now, it will not be my priority. 

The Book of Unknown Americans by Cristina Henriquez

4/5 stars

This was a hard book for me to read honestly. It is a heartbreaking story about several Latino immigrant families trying to make it in the United States. The main family we follow is the Riveras from Mexico who came to the US after their daughter Maribel had an almost fatal accident and they came here to get her help. The book ends sadly and there is definitely not a happy ending for the characters but I liked that because life is hard, not always happy.  

A Court of Mist and Fury by Sarah J Maas

5/5 stars

Probably the best book I read in the month of September. I can’t believe I waited so long to read this series. Sarah J Maas has easily become one of my favorite authors especially when I want a fantasy romance book. So ACOMAF is the second book in A Court of Thorns and Roses series. Feyre is about to have a life changing moment but Rhysand had a different plan. Several things are revealed during this book and that is why I have to read the third book in October for sure; I need to know what happens!

Last Argument of Kings by Joe Abercrombie

4/5 stars

Oh Joe Abercrombie, you definitely know how to write a grimdark world so well! I would definitely consider him my favorite grimdark author for sure! This is the final book in the First Law trilogy and it didn’t let me down at all! Just like the last two books in this series, all the characters continue to surprise me and one of them more than the others! I can’t wait to read the series that follows this world but years later especially after the events in Last Argument of Kings because wow, I did not see that ending coming. 

Blood and Honey by Shelby Mahurin 

4/5 stars

This is the sequel to Serpent and Dove and it follows the events of our favorite characters from the first book after they escaped near death. The MCs are on a quest to find allies against Lou’s mother and just protective against her and the church that is also after them. The romance between Lou and Reid continues to grow even though it would be easier to not be together. The cliffhanger at the end of this book was incredible and intense! I can’t believe I have to wait now to see what ends up happening with all of these characters! 

Girl, Serpent, Thorn by Melissa Bashardoust

3/5 stars

This was a decently good book. It made me think of a fairytale where the princess is cursed and a charming guy wants to save her. I like how this fairytale was reimagined. There were several twists and I loved the different creatures that are found in this book. The book had strong Middle Eastern tones which I loved because I am trying to read more books that are not based around English history. 

The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson 

4/5 stars

This classic horror book is another haunted house story but that is okay because it was still good. I had watched the Netflix TV show LOOSELY based on this book so I thought I had an idea of what to expect but the book is so different from the book. I liked both though in the end. If you are looking for a classic horror book that is creepy and crazy, check this one out. 

Wayward Witch by Zoraida Cordova

4/5 stars

I am so happy that this book is out and I can continue reading about these amazing characters in this incredible world that Zoraida Cordova has created. Wayward Witch is the third installment in the Brooklyn Brujas series and it did not disappoint me at all. We follow the youngest sister in the Mortiz family on an adventure to save a fairy realm and in the process, repair her family back in the human world. People! Please read this series and anything by Cordova, you won’t be disappointed! 

Red Sister by Mark Lawrence 

3/5 stars

Book one of the Book of the Ancestor series and it has been recommended to me by several people, so I was excited to finally start this series. We follow Nona, a young girl who has had a difficult life, who is now training at the Convent of Sweet Mercy where young girls like her train to be assassins. I liked the magic system and the writing. I will definitely continue this series eventually.

Foundryside by Robert Jackson Bennet

4/5 stars

I am so glad that Foundryside was the last book I read this month because wow, it was so good!! The writing style reminded me of my favorite author, Brandon Sanderson, and the humor was very much a mix of Sanderson and Jim Butcher (in my opinion, anyways). Sancia, the main character, is a thief who has unique abilities that make her a great thief. She ends up stealing an ancient item that ends up putting her in the middle of a political, action packed situation. All the characters were incredible and there is not one that I hated even the villain. The twist in the end was amazing and I did not see that coming at all, which I love when that happens. 

Posted in blog, Books, Fantasy, geek, nerd, Uncategorized

June Book Wrap Up

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A Crystal of Time by Soman Chainani

Rating: 5/5 stars

In the fifth installment of the The School for Good and Evil, all of our favorite characters are back but our heroes are all in danger because of the evil, false king that has taken control of the kingdom. With every new book in this series, a real danger and fear for my favorite characters becomes more intense. I absolutely love that, especially when it happens in a middle grade series! This book was a roller-coaster for my emotions in the best way! I immediately ordered the final installment for this series when I finished A Crystal of Time. 

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The Iron Flower by Laurie Forest

Rating: 5/5 stars

The Iron Flower is the second book in The Black Witch Chronicles and it did not disappoint me at all! Our favorite characters like Lukas, Elloren, and Yvan are back and just trying to survive as they help the resistance. I loved reading about Elloren development and how she is finding out more and more about how wrong she was about her people, religion, and government. The love triangle in this series is intense so be ready for it. I know people might disagree with me about this but I prefer Lukas and Elloren together over Yvan and Elloren but still loved the whole triangle in this book. 

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Firefight by Brandon Sanderson

Rating: 4/5 stars

Second book in the Reckoners series by one of my favorite authors! I enjoyed this book more than the first one which makes me very excited to pick up book 3 in July! I liked how Sanderson explained the condition of the city after the events in Steelheart and then quickly moved on to another city where the Reckoners help was needed. Seeing the underground network of the Reckoners in another city added so much to the story for me. There were deaths, there were some serious revelations! Overall, a great book. 

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Scavenge the Stars by Tara Sim

Rating: 4/5 stars

Okay so this book was incredible and I am so glad it didn’t disappoint me. All I knew about this book is that it was a retelling of The Count of Monte Cristo which is the favorite classic. I just love a revenge story with a sparkle of romance. I am very excited to see where this series goes. The sequel will be ordered as soon as it is out! 

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How to be a woman by Caitlin Moran

Rating: 3/5 stars

Caitlin Moran details her life experiences that have shaped her as the woman that she is today and talking about some basic “woman” characteristics that she didn’t agree with. It was very chatty and that is not necessarily a bad thing. She comments on pop culture and gender rights throughout the whole book. It was all overall okay but there were times where it was too much ranting for me. 

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The Shadow Wand by Laurie Forest

Rating: 5/5 stars

I was extremely excited to start this book, the third installment in The Black Witch Chronicles! There was a major revelation that happened at the end of Iron Flower and we start this book shortly after those events. Pretty quick into the story there is a major death and wow, that hurt! The author is not messing around! Definitely more adult content throughout this novel which I loved. I fell more in love with Lukas when reading Shadow Wand. I was so emotionally invested and moved while I read this. I may or may not have shed a couple of tears! I am so sad that I have to wait probably a year or more for book 4! At least there are a couple of novellas in this series to hold me over until book 4 comes out!

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The Infinite Noise by Lauren Shippen

Rating: 5/5 stars

In this book, we follow Caleb who has the ability to feel the emotions of everyone around him, a true empathy. Being 16, in high school, and knowing everyone’s emotions makes Caleb’s daily life very difficult. Caleb befriends a boy named Adam who Caleb has noticed is very depressed. Slowly Caleb and Adam get closer and they have to work together to get through life and high school. It was a beautiful book that showed an incredible LGBTQ+ relationship. 

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One True King by Soman Chainani

Rating: 5/5 stars

I finally made it to the final book in The School for Good and Evil and wow was this final installment everything I wanted it to be! Tedros and his friends need to stop the false king and complete several trials left by King Arthur in order to save themselves and the kingdom. My favorite part was definitely Merlin and all of the crazy things he says and does. The way Chainani connects all of his books and kept revealing new information even in the last book was incredible. The humor and emotional moments that fill his books were definitely there. I loved how this store ended, it honestly made me tear up. This is a series that I would gladly read again and again. 

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Openly Straight by Bill Konigsberg

Rating: 3/5 stars

This was another LGBTQ+ book I read this month and it was overall okay. Rafe is a teenager living in Boulder, Colorado and he is openly gay. He isn’t teased or tormented because of his sexually but he gets tired of being only known as the gay kid. Rafe decides to transfer to an all boys boarding school in New England to start fresh and he decides to keep his sexuality a secret from everyone at the new school. Seeing Rafe navigate through this new school, new friendships, and new life is interesting and has several moments where Rafe needs to decide if keeping this secret is worth it. Overall, like I said, this book was okay but I was hoping for more honestly.  

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Birthday Girl by Penelope Douglas

Rating: 5/5 stars

This was the first book I have ever read by Penelope Douglas but it will not be the last! I absolutely loved it! I can’t believe I have never read one of her romance books, they are adorable. In this book, we follow a young woman who meets an older man at the movie theater on her birthday and there is an instant connection. Come to find out, she is dating that guy’s useless son. The couple ends up having to move in with the father. Nothing happens between the older man and the young woman until after the relationship with the son has ended but wow, was there sexual tension! I think what I liked the most about this book is how these two people realize how much they need and want each other, not just sexually but emotionally. 

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The Rage of Dragons by Evan Winter

Rating: 5/5 stars

I was most excited to pick this book up finally. I had heard so many amazing things and I was not disappointed at all. The fact that Evan Winter self published this book is incredible to me because of how good it is. We follow Tau as he is training to become a soldier to protect his people from their perceived enemy. Several things happen and Tau is now on a quest for revenge. The mythology, world building, magic system, all of it is fantastic in Rage of Dragons and I cannot wait for the next book in the series! 

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The Sword of Summer by Rick Riordan

Rating: 4/5 stars

It felt good jumping into another Riordan world, especially one based on Norse mythology. Magnus Chase is a young boy who lost his mom and is now homeless. His uncle goes looking for him, saying that he is a danger and very soon after that, Magnus is thrown into a world of Norse gods, Valkyrie, and prophecies. This book has the same great humor and sarcasm one can expect from a Rick Riordan book. 

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Gods of Jade and Shadow by Silvia Moreno-Garcia

Rating: 4/5 stars

I have been wanting to read more books by Latinx authors so when I found this novel by a Latinx woman, I was sold. I have always loved books to tie into real world mythology, especially Greek or Norse mythology. This book is filled with Mayan mythology and as someone who is Hispanic with family from Mexico, I want to learn more about Mayan mythology. This book follows a young woman that is treated badly by her family because of who her dad was and one day when she is left alone in her grandfather’s house, she finds bones hidden in her grandfather’s trunk. Come to find out, these bones belong to a god who comes back to life and needs her help in order to reclaim his throne and full powers. I really enjoyed reading this book and the characters were all entertaining to follow. This author just had a new book come out this month called Mexican Gothic and I already know I will be purchasing it very soon. 

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Angles of Music by Kim Newman

Rating: 3/5 stars

This is a hard book to describe because the main plot is a little insane! So pretty much, the phantom of the opera, named Erik, runs an agency that solves crimes and mysteries in the city. Just think of Erik as Charlie from Charlie’s Angels, and the women that work for Erik are his “angels.” It was very insane but in general, a fun read. My only problem is this book, which caused the rating to be 3 out of 5, was the way to was written as more like short stories because there are multiple time jumps and new “angels” introduced too often. I felt like every time I got used to the angels and started enjoying those angels, they would change. 

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Wildest Dreams by Kristen Ashley

Rating: 4/5 stars

The main character is a wealthy woman named Seoafin “Finnie” Wilde and she lost her parents when she was young. She finds a witch that tells her that there are multiple dimensions where her parents’ twins or doppelgangers are still alive. All Finnie has to do is pay a million dollars to this witch and she are her own twin from that other world will trade places for one year. Her twin wants to switch with Finnie too. As soon as the switch happens, Finnie realizes that her twin tricked her into a possibly dangerous situation. She is forced to marry Frey Drakkar, a powerful and important warrior in this fantasyland. This book has a hate to love relationship, a lot of magic, dragons, and fairies. I am excited to see where book 2 goes.

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The Hammer of Thor by Rick Riordan

Rating: 4/5 stars

Book 2 of the Magnus Chase and man, do I just love this series and just books by Riordan in general! Magnus and his friends are back trying to stop Loki, find Thor’s hammer, and stop the possible giant invasion into Midgard. Riordan’s humor in this book is incredible and the new main character that was introduced adds so much to Magnus’ team. This character is gender-fluid which I just loved that Riordan is including more LGBTQ+ people into his books. We end this book talking about how Magnus needs to finally meet Percy Jackson and man, am I excited for that!

Books I didn’t finish:

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The Twisted Ones by Ursula Vernon

If you have followed my book blog journey you would know that I don’t give up on books. It is not something I like to do. I usually try and force myself to get through books because there is always something positive that I can enjoy. But unfortunately, this book disappointed me and I just COULD NOT finish it! I was really excited actually about this book because I love horror but I got through about 180 pages and I couldn’t find anything to hold on to. I had to DNF The Twisted Ones unfortunately.

Posted in blog, Books, fandom, Fantasy, geek, life, nerd, Uncategorized

Book Haul! – January 2020

As an employee of a bookstore and living close to another used bookstore, buying books is just going to happen. Some people might think I’m crazy for the number of books I purchased and just have, in general, in my house. But to me, books are an escape, they are my happy place that helps me with my anxiety. Some months, like this month, the book haul will be huge and other times, not so much.

A bit information about my reading habits:

  • Fantasy books are my absolute favorite (ex. Harry Potter series, Dresden files, Mistborn)
  • I read a little from every other genre except religion and business books not because I don’t like those types of books but because I just haven’t found anything in those genres that interests me yet
  • I try to read 2-3 books a week
  • I love Audible and use it every day

Okay let’s get to the book haul for January 2020!

Physical books:

  1. The Truth About Magic by Atticus – signed copy (Poetry)
  2. The Way of Shadows by Brent Weeks (Fantasy)
  3. The Last Command, Star Wars by Timothy Zahn (Fantasy)
  4. Feast of Souls by C.S. Friedman (Fantasy)
  5. Dragons of Autumn Twilight by Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman (Fantasy)
  6. Words of Radiance by Brandon Sanderson (Fantasy)
  7. Dead Beat by Jim Butcher (Fantasy)
  8. White Night by Jim Butcher (Fantasy)
  9. Turn Coat by Jim Butcher (Fantasy)
  10. Percy Jackson series by Rick Riordan (Juv Fantasy)
  11. The Wishing Spell by Chris Colfer (Juv Fantasy)
  12. The Enchantress Returns by Chris Colfer (Juv Fantasy)
  13. Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli (YA Fiction)
  14. Labyrinth Lost by Zoraida Cordova (YA Fantasy)
  15. Bruja Born by Zoraida Cordova (YA Fantasy)
  16. Thunderhead by Neal Shusterman (Science Fiction)
  17. Serpent and Dove by Shelby Mahurin (YA Fantasy)
  18. The Blade Itself by Joe Abercrombie (Fantasy)
  19. Last Argument of Kings by Joe Abercrombie (Fantasy)
  20. A Little Hatred by Joe Abercrombie (Fantasy)
  21. King of Scars by Leigh Bardugo – signed copy (YA Fantasy)
  22. A Memory of Light by Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson (Fantasy)
  23. Wise Man’s Fear by Patrick Rothfuss (Fantasy)
  24. Echo North by Joanna Ruth Meyer – signed copy (YA Fantasy)

Audible books:

  1. Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi (YA Fantasy)
  2. A Fire Sparkling by Julianne MacLean (Romance/Historical Fiction)
  3. The Power of Self-Compassion by Laurie J Cameron (Audible original/Personal Growth)
  4. Junkyard Cats by Faith Hunter (Audible original/Science Fiction)
  5. Payoff by Dan Ariely (Self-Help)
  6. Forensics by Val McDermid (True Crime)
  7. Red Queen by Victoria Aveyard (YA Fantasy)
  8. You’re Never Weird on the Internet (Almost) by Felicia Day (Biography)

If you guys have any recommendations of awesome books that I should check out, please leave me a comment! Until next time, bye!

P.S. A special thank you to my friend Lauren who stood in line to get Joanna Ruth Meyer to sign Echo North for me! You are the best!

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Posted in blog, emotions, family, fandom, friendship, geek, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, music, nerd, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

To anyone that might read this

Hi my name is Stacey and thank you for visiting my blog. I started this blog years ago when I was going through the worst depression I have ever experienced and needed a safe place to express my emotions, my thoughts. My depression back in 2015 was no joke, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t function as a human being. I had to go on leave from work for six months and was going to therapy, at first five times a week, with a psychologist and a counselor. I had no real support in my life which made everything ten times tougher. I was in a loveless, harmful relationship with a guy that believed his problems were the only problems that mattered. My family lived in another state which sucked but honestly even if they had been in the same state, their presence would have probably added to my depression.

Let me explain. I love my mom and I know she loves me but I am a disappointment to her. I am first generation college student who was always good at school so my family expected me to go to a university, graduate in four years and get a good paying job right out of college. Let’s just say that did not happen. Instead I moved away from my family after my freshmen year, moved in with a boy, and dropped out of college. My family, especially my mom, likes to bring this up and how I should be done with school and my degree by now. Also my mom doesn’t believe in psychology and psychological disorders. She was raised in Mexico in a very Catholic environment and if you had a problem or any stress, you were to pray to God for help not go to a doctor or therapist. So when I had my mental breakdown, my mom could not understand why it was happening and she didn’t believe I needed therapy and medication. To add to all of this, I was getting texts from my sister, who was still living with my parents, that I needed to stop being selfish and move back home because I am upsetting our mom. Absolutely no support or kind words from her at all, just judgement. Lastly, the main reason my depression would have been worse with my family around…my dad. In another future post that I am going to write I will go into detail about my relationship with my dad. All I need to say now is that he was a compulsive gambler and alcoholic for my entire childhood and life (until recently) and he is a great deal of stress and anxiety in my life. I never told him about my depression or anxiety because he would have made a joke about it and believed that I was just being a “drama queen.” Currently, our relationship has improved slightly but if I spend too much time around him, or see him and my mom interact, my anxiety and stress spikes.

Okay, enough about my family drama. Back to reason I am writing all of this down. I want this page to be where I can write about anything and have a conversation with people about issues like depression, anxiety, family problems, unhealthy relationships. But also have a place to talk about fun things that I love like fantasy books (or just books in general XD), movies, harry potter, supernatural, dungeons and dragons, paranormal, conspiracies, etc. etc! I also want to continue to work on my poetry which has a special place in my heart. I think I covered everything I wanted to cover. I hope someone reads this and wants to come continue a conversation with me that I start. We shall see I guess! Thanks to anyone who is here reading this!

-Stacey

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, mourning, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

Untitled

Been thinking of you lately 

All of our memories, 

our goals and dreams 

Images flood my mind 

The strangest things remind of me you 

The holidays always make me reflect 

On life, on my choices, my goals 

Before you were included in my life, choices, goals

Now you don’t fit into the equation

Around me I see happiness, a future 

I see my dreams coming true

A smile on my face more and more 

Then I remember you and the past 

You were my biggest cheerleader, 

My best friend 

But you choose to be hostile, to change and 

not be willing to change together 

So now I’m happy 

But without you

it seems weird 

I know it’s just weird now 

This is all new to me, of course it’s weird 

Soon I’ll still be happy

But without the weirdness  

because eventually this weirdness will disappear

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, mourning, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

This is the end

Today 

I lost you 

For a long time I denied it 

I was in denial 

But today I lost you 

 

You and I were broken

Damaged 

Alone 

But you and I were twins at the end of the day

 

Together we suffered 

Together we survived 

Together we conquered

Because we were twins 

 

When we were down, we had each other 

When we were up, we celebrated together

When we cried, we cried together

When we needed support, we supported each other 

 

Now we scowl, bark, bicker

Now we judge, criticize, disdain

 

Do you miss us?

I know I do

 

Losing you has hurt me more than I imagined 

Losing you has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to face

This loss will take a long time to recover 

But I will recover

I will move on, 

I will be happy

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, life, lifestyle, love, nerd, relationship, Uncategorized

Friendships Change

Letting go of a 10+ year friendship is never an easy thing. Hell, even letting go any friendship is really hard. These friendships might have been what you needed to heal and grow at one point of your life but things change. People change.

I have had someone in my life for years and for the longest time, it was like we were twins. Of course, we had different personalities and ways of thinking but in general we were very much alike. From obsessing over Harry Potter and Supernatural to both of us having serious family drama. We could relate to each other so well that we could just look at each other and know what the other one was feeling. I’ll admit, it probably hasn’t the healthiest friendship around. I think we were very dependent on one another and that was probably not the best idea.

As the years have gone by, we have both changed and matured quite a bit. Both of us have been through some serious trauma since we met back in 2010 and both of us are still trying to heal. The main issue now though we can’t relate to each other anymore. My friend was always very political and strong minded, which I have always admired, but after spending time in the Midwest and expressing different cultures/lifestyles, we have come to see the world very differently. She will hate on something that she loved last year just because of one bad article without looking into the accusations more. She judges people’s desire to be in a relationship because she sees it as unnecessary and a waste of time. She is quick to criticize your behavior as unhealthy even though she does some unhealthy things as well.

I am not saying all of this about her to make you think I am better than her. Quite the opposite, she has been very successful in her career and school. She has healed a lot through therapy. I am extremely proud of her and everything she has accomplished. I just wish she would acknowledge those things about me rather than judge me for the way I live my life and what I want to achieve. I know I have a lot of growth in me still, I just wish the person who I have considered my best friend for so long would see that without criticizing me. I wish I could still talk to her about anything like before and get advice, get help instead of judgmental comments and looks.

I am happy that she has found others in her life to rely on and communicate with. I am happy she is achieving her goals and dreams. At this point in our friendship, I have to accept that we can’t depend on each other anymore and we have others in our lives that we are closer to. I always thought she would be my maid of honor at my wedding but now I am sure she won’t be. If I can’t be completely comfortable and safe with her, I can’t consider her a best friend or my twin anymore. It breaks my heart but we are just different people now, with different ways of thinking.

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, Uncategorized

A regret from my past

Over the last several years my confidence has definitely grown and improved. I remember being a young teenager, looking in the mirror and hating everything about myself. My weight, my skin color, hair, teeth, even eye color. There was nothing about myself that I loved but I became very good at hiding this pain. My smile was my greatest mask. I realized that if I had a smile on my face, people would believe I was confident. Now as I have gone up, I know I was not alone in hating myself as a teenager but honestly I don’t remember any of my friends ever talking about that so I just assumed they liked themselves and that was it. I have always been the chubby friend honestly and now I am okay with that. Back then, damn it was hard. Going shopping with my friends was the worst because they would want to go to all these stores that only had sizes 0-12 and I was a size 16 back time which now I would honestly love to be size 16! Either way, going shopping with them always made me very uncomfortable and depressed because I knew I wouldn’t be able to find something that fit me and I would just have to stand there while they enjoyed themselves and found cute outfits. My friends never teased me about my weight or my appearance if anything they always told me how pretty I was or that I looked nice. When they would compliment me, my anxiety and own issues made me think that they were just lying to me to be nice. Taking pictures with my friends was something that didn’t happen often. I have a lot of pictures that I took of my friends but very few pictures have me in them. I would avoid a camera like the plague or I would volunteer to be the one to take the pictures. I hated my picture being taken and even today, I have a problem with it. All of my insecurities come out when I see myself in a picture. “Oh my god, why am I so fat? Ugh, my smile looks stupid, my hair looks bad.” All of this and more would go through my head so I just avoided those situations. I regret this behavior now. I wish I had more pictures of myself from junior high, high school. I do have a lot of fun and amazing memories from that time in my life but unfortunately because of my low self-confidence and hatred of myself I don’t have many pictures to look back on. That will always be one of my greatest regrets from my adolescent years. Don’t let that negative voice in your head stop you from living your life to the fullest. Don’t let insecurities ruin your present but you might regret in the future that you did this. 

Posted in blog, emotions, life, lifestyle, love, Uncategorized

Late Night Thought

I don’t like the way I am most of the time. I mean I like myself but I always hate how I act and react to certain situations. Things that should be simple are turned into massive problems. Things that are extreme issues are ignored and disregarded. I should just be comfortable by now to express myself and my concerns but sometimes I think that will never happen. I’ll never be completely comfortable enough to fully express myself. If I were to do that, I would probably be called a bitch or stupid for feeling these things. I know that’s not true for everyone in my life. There are those who welcome my truth and want to know my thoughts but others who supposably know me have no interest in finding out what is actually happening in my life. Change is coming and change is scary. But change is also a good thing, a necessary thing. Whether that’s starting a new job. Trying a new workout routine. Or cutting out someone that is unhelpful and uncaring. The people around you who will accept you and your changes are those who should stay, not those who will judge you with their tone, with their disapproving look. Find those who support you. Find those that have encourage you.