Posted in emotions, friendship, lifestyle, love, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

Unknown Game

Silence speaks loudly to me
This distance draws me closely
The unknown kills
While the known changes to fiction

Everything happens for a reason
But the reason is unclear
And when the silence speaks louder than words
This game is painful
No enjoy remains

I may appear weak
Fragile
I swear I am not
Honesty is all I seek

The silence kills me
The unknown cripples me
Be honest
Free me of this constant torture

Posted in blog, emotions, life, lifestyle, Uncategorized

Change is okay

Don’t be afraid of change. Change is a terrifying thing but it can lead to you discovering who you are, where you totally belong, and lead to the best experiences in your life. This is the story of the biggest event in my life that completely changed the course of my life forever.

Ever since I moved out to Nebraska over five years ago, I have become a different person. I am definitely not the same young woman that wanted to move away from everything familiar. So desperate to escape the world that I believed was awful. And in many ways, I still think that my life back in Arizona was pretty terrible but it wasn’t all bad. I guess I should start this entry by saying I do not regret my choice to move from Arizona to Nebraska. I truly believe it was the best choice I have ever made in my life.

I remember when I told my family and friends that I wanted to move away from home, they thought I just wanted to move out of my parents’ home. When I specified that I was referring to moving out of state, to Nebraska no less, there was a lot of confusion and anger from those closest to me. At the time I was hurt that they didn’t believe enough in me to think I could survive away from everyone but as time has gone on, I know they were more scared and sad than anything else.

It’s crazy to believe that when I moved out here, I was only 18. I was so young. Okay, maybe 18 is not really that young but in my family and in my group of friends, you just didn’t move out of your parents until you are older. Or well, married. Anyways, I was young when I left everything I had ever known. When I was 18, I thought I was a full blown adult. I thought I know everything and I didn’t need help from my family with regards to anything. Oh how wrong I was.

The first week was so rough. What am I talking about? The first year was rough; adjusting to a new city, new roommates, new job, new EVERYTHING was terrifying. Even though Nebraska and Arizona are both of course in the United States, the culture in these two states is completely different. The hardest part about moving away was being gone during holidays. I honestly didn’t think I would get as homesick as I did. I remember crying any time there was a holiday coming up. The worst though was when my first birthday came around. My boyfriend and new friends did everything they could to keep my mind off of home.  I am so thoughtful for all of the people that have come into my life here in Nebraska. They are some of the best people I have ever met. I know I would have moved back a long time ago if it wasn’t for these incredible people.

Over time, I have finally come to see Nebraska as my home. I haven’t felt that homesickness that I felt when I first moved out here. I love Arizona, or well my friends and family down there but I don’t think I could ever live there anymore. I love the culture here in Lincoln. There are actual seasons here! I can experience autumn and winter. I have finally experienced snow and a white Christmas. I get the great feeling of a smaller town but with all of the comforts of a big city.

There are a billion events that have happened in the last five years here in Nebraska. I would have never experienced these things if I had stayed in Arizona. I know I would be a completely different person if I had stayed. I am truthfully so happy with the person I am today and my choice to make a massive change is behind it. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but it was worth it. The people who I have met here have allowed me to become the person I was always meant to be. I don’t feel the need to hide myself and that’s all because of this move and the people in my life now.

Change is a part of life. Many shy away from it. They never take a chance. I don’t blame them. Change is scary, it’s hard, and it’s unpredictable. But without change, without taking a chance with something different, you may never discover who you really are. Take that chance, make that change. They will change your life forever.

Posted in blog, emotions, poem, poetry, Uncategorized

Pretend

Force that smile,
that affection,
that laughter,
Force that joy

That is what they all want
No sadness
No anxiety
Only joy

A constant performance of happiness
Acceptable
Nothing less than that

How dare you not be happy?
You were never anxious before
Completely unacceptable
Do better

Your anxiety
Makes us uncomfortable
No reason for it
We will dismiss it now

Force that smile,
that affection,
that laughter

Not anymore
Never again

-Stacey

Posted in poem, poetry, Uncategorized

Light

There is a light
A light at the end of the tunnel
This brightness is exciting
It is comforting
But it is real?

Guilt and worry
Catching up to me
Two roads
Brightness
Darkness

Darkness is normal
A constant in my life
Staying on this road
Would be so easy
Familiar

Wait
I deserve more than darkness
I deserve warmth, safety
Everything that comes from this light
I deserve

-Stacey

Posted in Uncategorized

Directions

Lead me in some direction
I can not make choice
Any direction
I will take it

My decisions
They are never good
Or so it feels that way

I am tired
So tired
Of all these feelings of failure
Of hopelessness

These hills
I am just too tired
Too alone to make it

Give me a direction
Any direction
Something, anything
I hope it will help

-Stacey

Posted in Uncategorized

Yesterday’s Adventure

Yesterday was a great day for me for many, many reasons! The main reason was because I went to a pumpkin patch with two of my favorite people ever.  If I haven’t said it before, autumn is my favorite time of the year by a long shot. The changing leaves, everything pumpkin flavored, haunted houses, horror movies, Halloween, etc, etc; all of these things and more make this the best time of the year! So when I went to the pumpkin patch, I was the happiest person ever. From the moment we got there and I saw all the pumpkins everywhere, the smell of the fall flavored donuts, and seeing all of the awesome activities we could do made me even more excited.

We ended up buying the tickets for the zombie hunt and the sinister circus and I felt like a kid in a candy store. Fuck that was so much fun. Getting to shot paint ball guns and “zombies” while riding in a military style vehicle, going through the corn maze in the darkness and clowns and circus psychos jumping out at us! I love all of this stuff. For a bit, it made me miss Arizona because over there, they had this place called The Nest and it was super creepy but absolutely amazing!

Some of the other things we did, we went through the two haunted houses they had there and they were pretty cool although not as scary as I think they could have been. Still fun though! After that we ended up going to an area called Bunnyville with a ton of bunnies just hopping all over the place. My friend was so happy over there; he is a massive animal lover.

The last thing we did before we left for the night was go to a psychic and get a tarot card reading. I think all of that stuff (tarot cards, palm reading, psychics) are real so I was super excited about this. My friend went first and he was pretty okay with his reading and then it was my turn! I don’t remember the exact names of the three cards that came up but I remember what she said. The first card said that there is something about my past that is still affecting me now and its makes my anxiety and stress increase constantly, the second card said that I am trying to work through the issues I had in the past to make for a better future and that I should continue healing. The last card I do remember part of the card name, “The devil,” which that really creeped me out. The psychic said that I am going to be tempted by the devil or well something bad in the near future so to make sure that all of decisions are smart and well thought out. This reading gave me a lot to think about! My childhood was definitely not the best and there were a lot of things that were tough for me to deal with so currently I am trying to figure out what specifically she was referring to and as for the temptation part of it; I have no idea what will happen in the near future but you guys should know I am going to think through every major decision I make for a while now!

The other reason why yesterday was such an amazing day was because one of my favorite groups, Pentatonix (if you don’t know who they are, go to youtube and watch their videos, you can thank me later!) released a new album! What made this album even more special than their past ones is that almost every song in this album is an original whereas in the past it was mostly covers. I have been listening to only these songs since I woke up yesterday! So far, my favorite song from the album is called Cracked. It has such a cool, groovy (couldn’t think of another word to describe it), different sounding song than anything that has come out lately. While listening to all of these incredible songs, I can’t help but be proud of Pentatonix. I have been a fan of their for years ever since to competed and won the Sing Off and I have been watching their videos on youtube since, I believe, like 2011. These 5 extremely talented individuals have done so much and deserve the very best for their careers.

-Stacey

Posted in Uncategorized

Hollow

In a world with billions of people
There I am, constantly in my head
Alone and quiet, I have always been
Scared and shy, I have always been

Hiding behind bright people
Hiding within the darkness
Some will notice but no one ever stays forever

This shell of emptiness
Is it for my protection or
Is it an object of harm?

Expressing my heart
Physically impossible
No one knows the real me
The real broken person
Not even myself

So much has been hidden, buried
Who can discover the truth?
Emotions are evil, they reveal too much
Yet emotions can help

Confusion sneaks in like a regular visitor
Doubt following right behind
Will these voices always be there?
Hope not
They cause the hurt
The hatred

-Stacey

Posted in Uncategorized

Makeup

So I love makeup. I love that makeup gives me a chance to be creative on a daily base and that I can experiment. I enjoy that makeup can heighten specific features of mine and enhance their beauty. I consider makeup a form of art and it can allow anyone to display their interests or emotions. But before I continue, let me just say that I don’t need makeup and neither does anyone else. No one should ever feel like they need to wear makeup every day to go out of their house and no one should ever wear makeup unless they want to. Even though I love makeup and its one of my hobbies, I want all of you to know that I don’t need it and it’s my choice to wear it. I definitely feel beautiful when I wear makeup but I also feel beautiful having my face be naked. All of my social media sites have only pictures of me with makeup and some people might say, “Well if you are so okay without makeup, why not post pictures like that?” The answer to that is that it’s my choice what I share with the world. Some people may say that I am not represent the “real me” but me wearing makeup and taking a selfie is the real me. Only I can say who the real me is and the real me can chance to show all different looks. One day I can choice to wear a bold, dark lipstick, one day I can wear bright blue eye shadow, and one day I can choice to wear no makeup at all. That is the main lesson I want you all to get from this post. It is YOUR choice if you wear makeup or not. Never let anyone shame or bully you into wearing makeup. If you have acne, redness, bags under your eyes, scaring, etc, don’t be ashamed or embarrassed to show those. It’s totally okay and its beautiful because you are all beautiful with or without makeup. If you have any of those things that I listed and you want to wear makeup, all power to you because again it’s YOUR choice. If you have read my previous entry, you will know that I have a thyroid condition and polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and these conditions mess with my hormones so much that I do get bad acne sometimes. I try to drink a lot of water to help clear my skin but acne happens. It’s the way of life for me and sometimes I want to cover it up but other days, I say fuck it. This is me and I have acne.

Another thing that I want to talk about with regards to makeup is that you shouldn’t feel the need to buy expensive makeup or follow the current trends. I had to learn this a long time ago. I love watching beauty gurus on youtube and I follow a lot of beauty accounts on tumblr, Instagram, and pinterest. I would watch these beauty gurus and think that I needed those products to get that specific “in” look but honestly I didn’t! I have a decent size makeup collection, most drug store brands but I do have some high end items. I used to try and buy a lot of high end items because I believed they are better in every way and yes, sometimes that was true but there are a lot of dupes for high end in the drug store brands now. In the end I was just spend a crap load of money every month on expensive makeup when most of my everyday makeup bag contains mostly drug store products! You don’t need to feel the pressure to go spend a shit ton of money on high end makeup. You can achieve all kinds of looks with drug store brands. And when it comes to seasonal trends, you don’t have to feel the pressure to follow those either. I personally love dark, vampy lip colors which people would say is only in during the fall or winter but I don’t care at all. I wear those colors year around! Give me a dark, bold lipstick any day and I will rock it!

-Stacey

Posted in Uncategorized

My Emotions

In my entire life, I have always had a problem with anxiety and recently it developed into depression as well. I have always been very good about hiding these feelings, putting up a smile and cheerfulness into my personality but around the summer of 2015, everything started changing. Every morning I woke up and I would just think, “Why another day?” or “No, please no.” The idea of getting out of bed had nothing to do with me being lazy and wanting more sleep. Once I am awake, I immediately want to get up from my bed and go do something. The thoughts I was having every morning had to do with my emotional state. I would just wake up with an overwhelming sense of dread and despair. Even though the idea of getting up from bed was bad, nothing compared to the horror I felt about leaving my house for any reason. I would have to focus myself to walk out the door and get in my car to go anywhere. On the days that I had to work, by the time I got to work, I just felt like crying. Every single day around this time, fighting back the tears was a constant battle. There were quite a few times though that the tears won. For me, crying or showing emotions in general, is terrible and incredibly draining. Just a few seconds after the release of all of these emotions and tears, I would feel nothing. I was numb for hours or sometimes days. Emotions have never been my strong point. Some people would just call me serious especially when I was in high school and early college years because I definitely wasn’t the party animal or even a fun person. I preferred to stay at home or my dorm than doing anything else. Everything would drain me. I hated being like this though. I still hate this about myself. I have missed out a lot in life because of my lack of energy, desire, and motivation. Again, I want to say, I am definitely not lazy. I am a hard working person who loves to do a good job at everything. But unfortunately, the constant fears and anxieties that I possess have severely affected my life. I want to change and I am working on changing.

I have realized during the last couple of weeks that one of the major factors to my anxiety and depression is that I don’t love myself. I have always lived with the fear of complete silence and isolation. For the longest time, I thought those fears came from just the normal idea of its creepy and what if a murderer comes to kill me when I am alone but now I have realized that the reason I have these fears is because I didn’t want to be with myself.  I have never been happy or satisfied with who I am and how I look. The idea of spending time with me and my thoughts was horrifying. There were thousands of negative and hurtful thoughts in my brain that if I was by myself and allowed them to come through, I would end up depressing myself more. I learned a long time ago how to avoid my thoughts and problems. Youtube, Tumblr, and Netflix were the three major helpers when it came to avoiding everything. It’s easier to avoid and push my problems aside when I can focus on my favorite youtubers or watch my favorite shows while scrolling through tumblr for hours. When I am doing my avoidance activities, I am 100% invested in those things, not because I am obsessed (well only a litte XD) with these youtubers or tv shows but because if I am not, the fear, panic, anxiety, etc will come in. It comes like a wave that overtakes everything about me. I wouldn’t want anyone to ever feel these emotions. I don’t want to feel these emotions or any emotions. That’s why I hide online. Online, I can hide from everyone and everything. I know hiding and avoiding my problems is not healthy but for a long time, that was the only way I could survive. It was the only way for me to live a semi-normal life.

Now, that I have talked a bit about my thoughts and avoidance activities that I do, I want to talk about the body issues I have. First off I want to say that I don’t ever remember anyone calling me fat or trying to shame me for my weight but I know for a fact that I did it to myself constantly. I was lucky that growing up, I didn’t have any of my friends tease me and I can’t recall any memories of being bullied about my weight or anything really by them. For the most part, my friends were the ones telling me that I was beautiful and encouraging me to be happy with who I am. I never believed or listened to them though. The only memories I have about being shamed about my weight was when my parents would say something. They weren’t doing it to be cruel or hurtful. My dad would say things like, “You are gaining weight…Maybe stop drinking so much soda,” and my mom would say things like, “You shouldn’t wear white or bright colors and definitely no strips on your clothing because that makes you look fatter.” Those kinds of phrases from my parents weren’t hurtful right off the bat but they would stay with me. I would only buy dark or black clothing because it made me feel slimmer. I would only wear solid colors and jeans for years. I was frequently eluding mirrors and my reflection especially full length mirrors.  I was and still to this day have compared myself to other women around me. There are a lot of factors that have caused me to be fat. Before I get into those though, let me just say, for years, the word “fat” was very offensive to me. I hated hearing or seeing that word anywhere because I hated myself. Even though I wouldn’t let people around me know that I was having these thoughts and I never said anything to my family or friends when they would say “fat,” I felt like just the mention of that word was a personal attack to me. Lately I can finally say that word about myself and I am okay with that. Being fat is not a bad thing and I have started to love myself. It’s been a long process though.

When I said that there were a few factors that play a role to my weight, what I was referring to was some health conditions, my eating habitats, and my lack of physical activity. I am not going to pretend that I exercise because I don’t and I am not going to lie and say that I eat super health because I definitely don’t. I love food and I have a massive sweet tooth. I have a massive caffeine addiction. I love my pop and fast food. Exercise has never been a part of my life except during my childhood and during high school. I used to swim a lot when I was earlier, played soccer with my cousins, and was in marching band all four years of high school. My physical activity has definitely decreased since leaving high school. My last job at Walmart had me running around a lot so that did help maintain my weight a bit but after I quit there and started working at Verizon, my weight started to go up. These two things have caused me to be fat and prevent me from losing weight but there are two other things that make it hard for me to lose weight but make it super easy for me to gain. Only a few people close to me know this but I have a thyroid condition called hypothyroidism which means that I have underactive thyroid and I also have polycystic ovarian syndrome which is another hormonal disorder causing enlarged ovaries and they have cysts. Both of these conditions are fairly common and both of these cause weight gain and make it difficult to lose weight. Again I want to say, I know that I am not helping myself with my eating and exercise habits. A lot of people assume by looking at someone that is overweight or fat, that it’s just because they eat too much and do no exercise and yes there are some people like that out in the world. The reason I want to share my conditions with you guys is not because I want sympathy or want people to say, “oh well she can’t help it, its medical,” the reason I want to share this is because I want people to understand that there are hundreds of reasons or conditions that cause someone to be overweight. There are a lot of factors that play a rule in people’s lives and it’s unfair for someone to fat shame individuals without knowing the whole story.

-Stacey