Posted in blog

My First Tattoo

For the majority of my life, I have battled depression and anxiety. One day I am good, the next I am having a panic attack or I’m hiding away from the world because everything is just too much. I knew I wanted my first tattoo to represent my mental health and a reminder to myself to always focus on the good in my life.

“One More Light” is a reference to my favorite band Linkin Park and one of their songs. Their music has helped me so much during some hard times in my life and it holds a special place in my heart. When I am having a bad day, overwhelmed and depressed, this quote reminds me that there is always one more light in all of the darkness.

In the Mistborn books by Brandon Sanderson, the symbol next to “One More Light” represents the metal Brass that magic users use to soothe someone’s emotions. The reason I wanted that symbol as a tattoo is a reminder to myself to soothe my emotions when my anxiety is flaring up.

Books and music play an important role in my life and mental health so I couldn’t be happy with this tattoo.

Thank you to Sara at Brazen Heart Tattoo for this amazing tattoo amazing.

Posted in Bad Mexican Daughter, blog, life

The Bad Mexican Daughter – Part 4

For this Bad Mexican Daughter post, I don’t have a specific topic to discuss but I just want to talk about my recent experience with my family when I flew down to Arizona at the end of June. So I went back to AZ for my mom’s 50th birthday, she is the member of my family that I am closest to so I felt like I could not miss her birthday this year for any reason. I was excited to spend time with her and celebrate her birthday even though being around my family for 4 days straight with no place to hide is really hard. 

To save money, I decided to stay at my parents’ house instead of booking a hotel room and honestly I think that was a mistake. Just like I always do, let me just say, I love my family but unfortunately, they agitate my anxiety so much. When I am hanging out with them, especially my sister and dad, I just feel completely judged and like an alien. 

Let me explain the alien part. I am VERY different from my family. I love to read, love fantasy/science fiction/superhero movies, rock/metal music and I just don’t always connect with them about their likes. So when I am there and I am just reading or watching a certain show on TV, there is always someone in my family who comments on how weird I am. They like saying how “white” I am and that if I didn’t look like them, they would think I wasn’t part of the family because I am so different. 

I have worked really hard over the years to like and love myself. I have worked hard to not be ashamed of my interests and just who I am in general. Which means that every time I spend a decent amount of time with my family, all of the work I have done on myself seems to go out the window. I find it so difficult to like myself and not be ashamed of myself when I have people constantly telling me how different and strange I am. I know they are not trying to be mean, they are just pointing out the obvious but when I have told them how those comments make me feel and they still continue, I don’t know what else I can do besides just stay away from them. 

My sister is probably the person that says these kinds of comments to me the most and somehow makes me feel the worst about myself. She and I have always been opposites and while growing up, I was the good daughter and she was the troublemaker. Now those roles have reversed in my parents’ eyes because I choose to take care of myself first instead of focusing on the family and moving away. 

Since we couldn’t have a party for our mom this year because of the pandemic, my sister came up with an idea to reach out to our friends and family to submit a happy birthday video message for our mom. I thought that was a brilliant idea and I helped as much as I could. She reached out to the majority of people though because she had access to our mom’s phone book since they live together and I don’t. She had to point out for the entire four days I was there that she did pretty much everything by herself. She also decorated the house for our mom’s birthday, did it while I was out, and then made comments like she did this all because she loves mom so much and that she didn’t get any help. 

I just wonder sometimes if other people feel like aliens in their own family or if it’s just me. Honestly it feels like I am constantly speaking a different language from the rest of my family and I have to try so hard not to let it completely trigger my depression and my anxiety.

Sorry for the long winded rant about this. Hopefully some of you will understand my feelings and thoughts about this. Maybe there are a few of you that even feel like this too. 

Alrighty, have a great day everyone!

Posted in blog, life, Pet

Life Update

Hey everyone! I hope everyone is doing well and you are all safe!

I wanted to do a little life update right now because I haven’t really updated you guys about what is happening in my life for a while. The biggest change which I mentioned only slightly is I moved away from Arizona to Washington State. I have been here for almost two months and wow, am I in love. Honestly I have always wanted to live in the Pacific Northwest and now here I am! The weather is the best part in my opinion. Give me rain and clouds every day and I will be forever happy. 

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you have heard about my dog Wallaby. He is a mini pinscher, chihuahua mix who we adopted almost one year ago. He was unfortunately abused before we adopted him so he has pretty bad anxiety and separation anxiety. When we moved out here to Washington, I was worried that such a change would have upset him but I was pleasantly surprised that Wallaby absolutely loves it up here. He actually has a huge backyard to run around all day and he lives close to his dog cousins (my boyfriend’s family dogs) so he is never alone anymore. The only time he has had an anxiety attack since we moved to Washington was during fourth of July because of all the fireworks. It is so nice to know that Wallaby is happy and feels safe; he is my sweet boy and I just want him to always be happy!

We all are living in a stressful time right now because of the pandemic and social unrest. I know that for me, as someone who has depression and an anxiety disorder, my mental health has been struggling a bit. I like having control over everything, it is just part of my personality but of course, right now there is no way to have any control over what is happening to our world. Because of all of these stressors, my boyfriend and I decided to take a small weekend trip to Leavenworth, Washington. I was pleased that all of the shops and restaurants there required people to wear masks and there were hand sanitizer stations in every shop and throughout the city. It was so nice to go somewhere for a mini vacation to relax and not think about my current unemployment, social unrest, and it was hopeful to see everyone in Leavenworth working together to be safe. 

Leavenworth was a perfect little town that made you feel like you were in a small German town. Every shop and restaurant created this amazing environment that transported you out of the USA to rural Germany. If you ever have a chance to go to Leavenworth, do it! You will not regret it all. 

Posted in blog, emotions, family, fandom, friendship, geek, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, music, nerd, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

To anyone that might read this

Hi my name is Stacey and thank you for visiting my blog. I started this blog years ago when I was going through the worst depression I have ever experienced and needed a safe place to express my emotions, my thoughts. My depression back in 2015 was no joke, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t function as a human being. I had to go on leave from work for six months and was going to therapy, at first five times a week, with a psychologist and a counselor. I had no real support in my life which made everything ten times tougher. I was in a loveless, harmful relationship with a guy that believed his problems were the only problems that mattered. My family lived in another state which sucked but honestly even if they had been in the same state, their presence would have probably added to my depression.

Let me explain. I love my mom and I know she loves me but I am a disappointment to her. I am first generation college student who was always good at school so my family expected me to go to a university, graduate in four years and get a good paying job right out of college. Let’s just say that did not happen. Instead I moved away from my family after my freshmen year, moved in with a boy, and dropped out of college. My family, especially my mom, likes to bring this up and how I should be done with school and my degree by now. Also my mom doesn’t believe in psychology and psychological disorders. She was raised in Mexico in a very Catholic environment and if you had a problem or any stress, you were to pray to God for help not go to a doctor or therapist. So when I had my mental breakdown, my mom could not understand why it was happening and she didn’t believe I needed therapy and medication. To add to all of this, I was getting texts from my sister, who was still living with my parents, that I needed to stop being selfish and move back home because I am upsetting our mom. Absolutely no support or kind words from her at all, just judgement. Lastly, the main reason my depression would have been worse with my family around…my dad. In another future post that I am going to write I will go into detail about my relationship with my dad. All I need to say now is that he was a compulsive gambler and alcoholic for my entire childhood and life (until recently) and he is a great deal of stress and anxiety in my life. I never told him about my depression or anxiety because he would have made a joke about it and believed that I was just being a “drama queen.” Currently, our relationship has improved slightly but if I spend too much time around him, or see him and my mom interact, my anxiety and stress spikes.

Okay, enough about my family drama. Back to reason I am writing all of this down. I want this page to be where I can write about anything and have a conversation with people about issues like depression, anxiety, family problems, unhealthy relationships. But also have a place to talk about fun things that I love like fantasy books (or just books in general XD), movies, harry potter, supernatural, dungeons and dragons, paranormal, conspiracies, etc. etc! I also want to continue to work on my poetry which has a special place in my heart. I think I covered everything I wanted to cover. I hope someone reads this and wants to come continue a conversation with me that I start. We shall see I guess! Thanks to anyone who is here reading this!

-Stacey

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, mourning, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

Untitled

Been thinking of you lately 

All of our memories, 

our goals and dreams 

Images flood my mind 

The strangest things remind of me you 

The holidays always make me reflect 

On life, on my choices, my goals 

Before you were included in my life, choices, goals

Now you don’t fit into the equation

Around me I see happiness, a future 

I see my dreams coming true

A smile on my face more and more 

Then I remember you and the past 

You were my biggest cheerleader, 

My best friend 

But you choose to be hostile, to change and 

not be willing to change together 

So now I’m happy 

But without you

it seems weird 

I know it’s just weird now 

This is all new to me, of course it’s weird 

Soon I’ll still be happy

But without the weirdness  

because eventually this weirdness will disappear

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, life, lifestyle, love, nerd, relationship, Uncategorized

Friendships Change

Letting go of a 10+ year friendship is never an easy thing. Hell, even letting go any friendship is really hard. These friendships might have been what you needed to heal and grow at one point of your life but things change. People change.

I have had someone in my life for years and for the longest time, it was like we were twins. Of course, we had different personalities and ways of thinking but in general we were very much alike. From obsessing over Harry Potter and Supernatural to both of us having serious family drama. We could relate to each other so well that we could just look at each other and know what the other one was feeling. I’ll admit, it probably hasn’t the healthiest friendship around. I think we were very dependent on one another and that was probably not the best idea.

As the years have gone by, we have both changed and matured quite a bit. Both of us have been through some serious trauma since we met back in 2010 and both of us are still trying to heal. The main issue now though we can’t relate to each other anymore. My friend was always very political and strong minded, which I have always admired, but after spending time in the Midwest and expressing different cultures/lifestyles, we have come to see the world very differently. She will hate on something that she loved last year just because of one bad article without looking into the accusations more. She judges people’s desire to be in a relationship because she sees it as unnecessary and a waste of time. She is quick to criticize your behavior as unhealthy even though she does some unhealthy things as well.

I am not saying all of this about her to make you think I am better than her. Quite the opposite, she has been very successful in her career and school. She has healed a lot through therapy. I am extremely proud of her and everything she has accomplished. I just wish she would acknowledge those things about me rather than judge me for the way I live my life and what I want to achieve. I know I have a lot of growth in me still, I just wish the person who I have considered my best friend for so long would see that without criticizing me. I wish I could still talk to her about anything like before and get advice, get help instead of judgmental comments and looks.

I am happy that she has found others in her life to rely on and communicate with. I am happy she is achieving her goals and dreams. At this point in our friendship, I have to accept that we can’t depend on each other anymore and we have others in our lives that we are closer to. I always thought she would be my maid of honor at my wedding but now I am sure she won’t be. If I can’t be completely comfortable and safe with her, I can’t consider her a best friend or my twin anymore. It breaks my heart but we are just different people now, with different ways of thinking.

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, Uncategorized

A regret from my past

Over the last several years my confidence has definitely grown and improved. I remember being a young teenager, looking in the mirror and hating everything about myself. My weight, my skin color, hair, teeth, even eye color. There was nothing about myself that I loved but I became very good at hiding this pain. My smile was my greatest mask. I realized that if I had a smile on my face, people would believe I was confident. Now as I have gone up, I know I was not alone in hating myself as a teenager but honestly I don’t remember any of my friends ever talking about that so I just assumed they liked themselves and that was it. I have always been the chubby friend honestly and now I am okay with that. Back then, damn it was hard. Going shopping with my friends was the worst because they would want to go to all these stores that only had sizes 0-12 and I was a size 16 back time which now I would honestly love to be size 16! Either way, going shopping with them always made me very uncomfortable and depressed because I knew I wouldn’t be able to find something that fit me and I would just have to stand there while they enjoyed themselves and found cute outfits. My friends never teased me about my weight or my appearance if anything they always told me how pretty I was or that I looked nice. When they would compliment me, my anxiety and own issues made me think that they were just lying to me to be nice. Taking pictures with my friends was something that didn’t happen often. I have a lot of pictures that I took of my friends but very few pictures have me in them. I would avoid a camera like the plague or I would volunteer to be the one to take the pictures. I hated my picture being taken and even today, I have a problem with it. All of my insecurities come out when I see myself in a picture. “Oh my god, why am I so fat? Ugh, my smile looks stupid, my hair looks bad.” All of this and more would go through my head so I just avoided those situations. I regret this behavior now. I wish I had more pictures of myself from junior high, high school. I do have a lot of fun and amazing memories from that time in my life but unfortunately because of my low self-confidence and hatred of myself I don’t have many pictures to look back on. That will always be one of my greatest regrets from my adolescent years. Don’t let that negative voice in your head stop you from living your life to the fullest. Don’t let insecurities ruin your present but you might regret in the future that you did this. 

Posted in blog, emotions, life, lifestyle, love, Uncategorized

Late Night Thought

I don’t like the way I am most of the time. I mean I like myself but I always hate how I act and react to certain situations. Things that should be simple are turned into massive problems. Things that are extreme issues are ignored and disregarded. I should just be comfortable by now to express myself and my concerns but sometimes I think that will never happen. I’ll never be completely comfortable enough to fully express myself. If I were to do that, I would probably be called a bitch or stupid for feeling these things. I know that’s not true for everyone in my life. There are those who welcome my truth and want to know my thoughts but others who supposably know me have no interest in finding out what is actually happening in my life. Change is coming and change is scary. But change is also a good thing, a necessary thing. Whether that’s starting a new job. Trying a new workout routine. Or cutting out someone that is unhelpful and uncaring. The people around you who will accept you and your changes are those who should stay, not those who will judge you with their tone, with their disapproving look. Find those who support you. Find those that have encourage you.

Posted in blog, emotions, poem, poetry, Uncategorized

Pretend

Force that smile,
that affection,
that laughter,
Force that joy

That is what they all want
No sadness
No anxiety
Only joy

A constant performance of happiness
Acceptable
Nothing less than that

How dare you not be happy?
You were never anxious before
Completely unacceptable
Do better

Your anxiety
Makes us uncomfortable
No reason for it
We will dismiss it now

Force that smile,
that affection,
that laughter

Not anymore
Never again

-Stacey