Posted in poem, poetry, Uncategorized

Light

There is a light
A light at the end of the tunnel
This brightness is exciting
It is comforting
But it is real?

Guilt and worry
Catching up to me
Two roads
Brightness
Darkness

Darkness is normal
A constant in my life
Staying on this road
Would be so easy
Familiar

Wait
I deserve more than darkness
I deserve warmth, safety
Everything that comes from this light
I deserve

-Stacey

Posted in blog, poem, poetry

Serenity

I want peace
That is all I want
Secure and safety
That is all I want

Is that too much to ask for?
Others have that,
Why not me?
I’m a decent person
Or maybe I’m not

I want happiness
That feeling to everyone should feel
I’ll take content
I just don’t want to feel any emptiness
Every second of every day

Peace, secure, safety
All of these and more
I want these in my life
Please someday soon
Let my life change

-Stacey

serenity

Posted in lifestyle, poetry

Fireworks

During the day, I’m okay
Light from the sun
Noise of the traffic
All of this blocks the effect of the fireworks
But I can feel them out there

All different shapes and colors illuminate the night sky
Roars from the fireworks breaking down the silence
Every night this happens
Every night they keep me up
Will they ever stop?

All night, I’m counting sheep
Covering my face with the blanket
If they are really bad
Under the pillow my head will go
Nothing works

Passing out from exhaustion just means my dreams will be affected
Nightmares, restlessness
They are always on my mind
Can’t hide from their growl
It’s a constant explosion

Go away
Please
Go away

-Stacey

Posted in Uncategorized

My Emotions

In my entire life, I have always had a problem with anxiety and recently it developed into depression as well. I have always been very good about hiding these feelings, putting up a smile and cheerfulness into my personality but around the summer of 2015, everything started changing. Every morning I woke up and I would just think, “Why another day?” or “No, please no.” The idea of getting out of bed had nothing to do with me being lazy and wanting more sleep. Once I am awake, I immediately want to get up from my bed and go do something. The thoughts I was having every morning had to do with my emotional state. I would just wake up with an overwhelming sense of dread and despair. Even though the idea of getting up from bed was bad, nothing compared to the horror I felt about leaving my house for any reason. I would have to focus myself to walk out the door and get in my car to go anywhere. On the days that I had to work, by the time I got to work, I just felt like crying. Every single day around this time, fighting back the tears was a constant battle. There were quite a few times though that the tears won. For me, crying or showing emotions in general, is terrible and incredibly draining. Just a few seconds after the release of all of these emotions and tears, I would feel nothing. I was numb for hours or sometimes days. Emotions have never been my strong point. Some people would just call me serious especially when I was in high school and early college years because I definitely wasn’t the party animal or even a fun person. I preferred to stay at home or my dorm than doing anything else. Everything would drain me. I hated being like this though. I still hate this about myself. I have missed out a lot in life because of my lack of energy, desire, and motivation. Again, I want to say, I am definitely not lazy. I am a hard working person who loves to do a good job at everything. But unfortunately, the constant fears and anxieties that I possess have severely affected my life. I want to change and I am working on changing.

I have realized during the last couple of weeks that one of the major factors to my anxiety and depression is that I don’t love myself. I have always lived with the fear of complete silence and isolation. For the longest time, I thought those fears came from just the normal idea of its creepy and what if a murderer comes to kill me when I am alone but now I have realized that the reason I have these fears is because I didn’t want to be with myself.  I have never been happy or satisfied with who I am and how I look. The idea of spending time with me and my thoughts was horrifying. There were thousands of negative and hurtful thoughts in my brain that if I was by myself and allowed them to come through, I would end up depressing myself more. I learned a long time ago how to avoid my thoughts and problems. Youtube, Tumblr, and Netflix were the three major helpers when it came to avoiding everything. It’s easier to avoid and push my problems aside when I can focus on my favorite youtubers or watch my favorite shows while scrolling through tumblr for hours. When I am doing my avoidance activities, I am 100% invested in those things, not because I am obsessed (well only a litte XD) with these youtubers or tv shows but because if I am not, the fear, panic, anxiety, etc will come in. It comes like a wave that overtakes everything about me. I wouldn’t want anyone to ever feel these emotions. I don’t want to feel these emotions or any emotions. That’s why I hide online. Online, I can hide from everyone and everything. I know hiding and avoiding my problems is not healthy but for a long time, that was the only way I could survive. It was the only way for me to live a semi-normal life.

Now, that I have talked a bit about my thoughts and avoidance activities that I do, I want to talk about the body issues I have. First off I want to say that I don’t ever remember anyone calling me fat or trying to shame me for my weight but I know for a fact that I did it to myself constantly. I was lucky that growing up, I didn’t have any of my friends tease me and I can’t recall any memories of being bullied about my weight or anything really by them. For the most part, my friends were the ones telling me that I was beautiful and encouraging me to be happy with who I am. I never believed or listened to them though. The only memories I have about being shamed about my weight was when my parents would say something. They weren’t doing it to be cruel or hurtful. My dad would say things like, “You are gaining weight…Maybe stop drinking so much soda,” and my mom would say things like, “You shouldn’t wear white or bright colors and definitely no strips on your clothing because that makes you look fatter.” Those kinds of phrases from my parents weren’t hurtful right off the bat but they would stay with me. I would only buy dark or black clothing because it made me feel slimmer. I would only wear solid colors and jeans for years. I was frequently eluding mirrors and my reflection especially full length mirrors.  I was and still to this day have compared myself to other women around me. There are a lot of factors that have caused me to be fat. Before I get into those though, let me just say, for years, the word “fat” was very offensive to me. I hated hearing or seeing that word anywhere because I hated myself. Even though I wouldn’t let people around me know that I was having these thoughts and I never said anything to my family or friends when they would say “fat,” I felt like just the mention of that word was a personal attack to me. Lately I can finally say that word about myself and I am okay with that. Being fat is not a bad thing and I have started to love myself. It’s been a long process though.

When I said that there were a few factors that play a role to my weight, what I was referring to was some health conditions, my eating habitats, and my lack of physical activity. I am not going to pretend that I exercise because I don’t and I am not going to lie and say that I eat super health because I definitely don’t. I love food and I have a massive sweet tooth. I have a massive caffeine addiction. I love my pop and fast food. Exercise has never been a part of my life except during my childhood and during high school. I used to swim a lot when I was earlier, played soccer with my cousins, and was in marching band all four years of high school. My physical activity has definitely decreased since leaving high school. My last job at Walmart had me running around a lot so that did help maintain my weight a bit but after I quit there and started working at Verizon, my weight started to go up. These two things have caused me to be fat and prevent me from losing weight but there are two other things that make it hard for me to lose weight but make it super easy for me to gain. Only a few people close to me know this but I have a thyroid condition called hypothyroidism which means that I have underactive thyroid and I also have polycystic ovarian syndrome which is another hormonal disorder causing enlarged ovaries and they have cysts. Both of these conditions are fairly common and both of these cause weight gain and make it difficult to lose weight. Again I want to say, I know that I am not helping myself with my eating and exercise habits. A lot of people assume by looking at someone that is overweight or fat, that it’s just because they eat too much and do no exercise and yes there are some people like that out in the world. The reason I want to share my conditions with you guys is not because I want sympathy or want people to say, “oh well she can’t help it, its medical,” the reason I want to share this is because I want people to understand that there are hundreds of reasons or conditions that cause someone to be overweight. There are a lot of factors that play a rule in people’s lives and it’s unfair for someone to fat shame individuals without knowing the whole story.

-Stacey

Posted in Uncategorized

An Introduction: Hi I’m Stacey, or Aandra

Many people start blogs or youtube channels to get famous and make a lot of money but Mallory and I are not here for any of that. I am sure everyone has heard that before so I don’t expect any of you to believe us. I am only here because there are quite a few things on my mind that I want to put out there and I hope that maybe a few of you can relate. My best friend in the entire world is Mallory or as I call her “Twin.” Mallory and I will make a separate post going into detail about our fucking amazing friendship but for now I will give you some basic points. Mallory and I met at Walmart in Chandler, Arizona back in late 2009. We would talk here and there but we didn’t realize we were soulmates until 2011. From that one random day in the Walmart break room, we have been best friends and constantly together. We would spend as much time together as possible, text/call each other 24/7, and going to ihop almost every night after work. When I moved away from Arizona to Nebraska at the end of the summer of 2012, the hardest thing was leaving my twin. We have still continued our amazing friendship, just long distance now. Once a year we see each other and that’s the best few days ever! There is no sleeping or work. Just twin time!

Starting around July 2015, things were getting very difficult for my twin and me. Both of us were struggling with our lives around this time and just slowly falling into this black hole of despair and depression. Up to this point we would talk to each other every couple of days and share things on facebook or tumblr but when everything started unrevealing in our lives, Mallory and I reconnected like never before. We were there 24/7 to support each other. Every single day starting around late June, early July, we would text constantly, snapchat, skype once a week, and also weekly phone calls. I can truly say that without Mallory and without her support, I would have fallen into my deep sea of depression that I don’t think I would have survived. I know that last statement may seem dramatic or an over exaggeration but not to me. I truly believe that without Mallory and without finally seeking help, I would not be here today. Throughout this blog, I will go more in depth that my depression and the constant anxiety that I have been living with for now 22 years. Mallory, herself will also, talk about her experiences separately on this blog. We are both very similar in so many ways and yet we each have experienced so many things throughout our lives and think so differently that both of our points of views are necessary in this blog. We do want to let whoever is reading this blog know that all of the posts aren’t going to be all about our experiences and the problems we have dealt with but we are also going to talk about creative stuff like fandoms, feminism, body positivity, fan fiction (maybe!) and even some poetry and short stories. This blog is going to be our outlet and we want this blog to be a reflection of our friendship and everything that we normally talk about in our daily conversations.