Posted in blog, emotions, family, fandom, friendship, geek, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, music, nerd, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

To anyone that might read this

Hi my name is Stacey and thank you for visiting my blog. I started this blog years ago when I was going through the worst depression I have ever experienced and needed a safe place to express my emotions, my thoughts. My depression back in 2015 was no joke, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t function as a human being. I had to go on leave from work for six months and was going to therapy, at first five times a week, with a psychologist and a counselor. I had no real support in my life which made everything ten times tougher. I was in a loveless, harmful relationship with a guy that believed his problems were the only problems that mattered. My family lived in another state which sucked but honestly even if they had been in the same state, their presence would have probably added to my depression.

Let me explain. I love my mom and I know she loves me but I am a disappointment to her. I am first generation college student who was always good at school so my family expected me to go to a university, graduate in four years and get a good paying job right out of college. Let’s just say that did not happen. Instead I moved away from my family after my freshmen year, moved in with a boy, and dropped out of college. My family, especially my mom, likes to bring this up and how I should be done with school and my degree by now. Also my mom doesn’t believe in psychology and psychological disorders. She was raised in Mexico in a very Catholic environment and if you had a problem or any stress, you were to pray to God for help not go to a doctor or therapist. So when I had my mental breakdown, my mom could not understand why it was happening and she didn’t believe I needed therapy and medication. To add to all of this, I was getting texts from my sister, who was still living with my parents, that I needed to stop being selfish and move back home because I am upsetting our mom. Absolutely no support or kind words from her at all, just judgement. Lastly, the main reason my depression would have been worse with my family around…my dad. In another future post that I am going to write I will go into detail about my relationship with my dad. All I need to say now is that he was a compulsive gambler and alcoholic for my entire childhood and life (until recently) and he is a great deal of stress and anxiety in my life. I never told him about my depression or anxiety because he would have made a joke about it and believed that I was just being a “drama queen.” Currently, our relationship has improved slightly but if I spend too much time around him, or see him and my mom interact, my anxiety and stress spikes.

Okay, enough about my family drama. Back to reason I am writing all of this down. I want this page to be where I can write about anything and have a conversation with people about issues like depression, anxiety, family problems, unhealthy relationships. But also have a place to talk about fun things that I love like fantasy books (or just books in general XD), movies, harry potter, supernatural, dungeons and dragons, paranormal, conspiracies, etc. etc! I also want to continue to work on my poetry which has a special place in my heart. I think I covered everything I wanted to cover. I hope someone reads this and wants to come continue a conversation with me that I start. We shall see I guess! Thanks to anyone who is here reading this!


Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, Uncategorized

A regret from my past

Over the last several years my confidence has definitely grown and improved. I remember being a young teenager, looking in the mirror and hating everything about myself. My weight, my skin color, hair, teeth, even eye color. There was nothing about myself that I loved but I became very good at hiding this pain. My smile was my greatest mask. I realized that if I had a smile on my face, people would believe I was confident. Now as I have gone up, I know I was not alone in hating myself as a teenager but honestly I don’t remember any of my friends ever talking about that so I just assumed they liked themselves and that was it. I have always been the chubby friend honestly and now I am okay with that. Back then, damn it was hard. Going shopping with my friends was the worst because they would want to go to all these stores that only had sizes 0-12 and I was a size 16 back time which now I would honestly love to be size 16! Either way, going shopping with them always made me very uncomfortable and depressed because I knew I wouldn’t be able to find something that fit me and I would just have to stand there while they enjoyed themselves and found cute outfits. My friends never teased me about my weight or my appearance if anything they always told me how pretty I was or that I looked nice. When they would compliment me, my anxiety and own issues made me think that they were just lying to me to be nice. Taking pictures with my friends was something that didn’t happen often. I have a lot of pictures that I took of my friends but very few pictures have me in them. I would avoid a camera like the plague or I would volunteer to be the one to take the pictures. I hated my picture being taken and even today, I have a problem with it. All of my insecurities come out when I see myself in a picture. “Oh my god, why am I so fat? Ugh, my smile looks stupid, my hair looks bad.” All of this and more would go through my head so I just avoided those situations. I regret this behavior now. I wish I had more pictures of myself from junior high, high school. I do have a lot of fun and amazing memories from that time in my life but unfortunately because of my low self-confidence and hatred of myself I don’t have many pictures to look back on. That will always be one of my greatest regrets from my adolescent years. Don’t let that negative voice in your head stop you from living your life to the fullest. Don’t let insecurities ruin your present but you might regret in the future that you did this. 

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So I love makeup. I love that makeup gives me a chance to be creative on a daily base and that I can experiment. I enjoy that makeup can heighten specific features of mine and enhance their beauty. I consider makeup a form of art and it can allow anyone to display their interests or emotions. But before I continue, let me just say that I don’t need makeup and neither does anyone else. No one should ever feel like they need to wear makeup every day to go out of their house and no one should ever wear makeup unless they want to. Even though I love makeup and its one of my hobbies, I want all of you to know that I don’t need it and it’s my choice to wear it. I definitely feel beautiful when I wear makeup but I also feel beautiful having my face be naked. All of my social media sites have only pictures of me with makeup and some people might say, “Well if you are so okay without makeup, why not post pictures like that?” The answer to that is that it’s my choice what I share with the world. Some people may say that I am not represent the “real me” but me wearing makeup and taking a selfie is the real me. Only I can say who the real me is and the real me can chance to show all different looks. One day I can choice to wear a bold, dark lipstick, one day I can wear bright blue eye shadow, and one day I can choice to wear no makeup at all. That is the main lesson I want you all to get from this post. It is YOUR choice if you wear makeup or not. Never let anyone shame or bully you into wearing makeup. If you have acne, redness, bags under your eyes, scaring, etc, don’t be ashamed or embarrassed to show those. It’s totally okay and its beautiful because you are all beautiful with or without makeup. If you have any of those things that I listed and you want to wear makeup, all power to you because again it’s YOUR choice. If you have read my previous entry, you will know that I have a thyroid condition and polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and these conditions mess with my hormones so much that I do get bad acne sometimes. I try to drink a lot of water to help clear my skin but acne happens. It’s the way of life for me and sometimes I want to cover it up but other days, I say fuck it. This is me and I have acne.

Another thing that I want to talk about with regards to makeup is that you shouldn’t feel the need to buy expensive makeup or follow the current trends. I had to learn this a long time ago. I love watching beauty gurus on youtube and I follow a lot of beauty accounts on tumblr, Instagram, and pinterest. I would watch these beauty gurus and think that I needed those products to get that specific “in” look but honestly I didn’t! I have a decent size makeup collection, most drug store brands but I do have some high end items. I used to try and buy a lot of high end items because I believed they are better in every way and yes, sometimes that was true but there are a lot of dupes for high end in the drug store brands now. In the end I was just spend a crap load of money every month on expensive makeup when most of my everyday makeup bag contains mostly drug store products! You don’t need to feel the pressure to go spend a shit ton of money on high end makeup. You can achieve all kinds of looks with drug store brands. And when it comes to seasonal trends, you don’t have to feel the pressure to follow those either. I personally love dark, vampy lip colors which people would say is only in during the fall or winter but I don’t care at all. I wear those colors year around! Give me a dark, bold lipstick any day and I will rock it!