Letting go of a 10+ year friendship is never an easy thing. Hell, even letting go any friendship is really hard. These friendships might have been what you needed to heal and grow at one point of your life but things change. People change.
I have had someone in my life for years and for the longest time, it was like we were twins. Of course, we had different personalities and ways of thinking but in general we were very much alike. From obsessing over Harry Potter and Supernatural to both of us having serious family drama. We could relate to each other so well that we could just look at each other and know what the other one was feeling. I’ll admit, it probably hasn’t the healthiest friendship around. I think we were very dependent on one another and that was probably not the best idea.
As the years have gone by, we have both changed and matured quite a bit. Both of us have been through some serious trauma since we met back in 2010 and both of us are still trying to heal. The main issue now though we can’t relate to each other anymore. My friend was always very political and strong minded, which I have always admired, but after spending time in the Midwest and expressing different cultures/lifestyles, we have come to see the world very differently. She will hate on something that she loved last year just because of one bad article without looking into the accusations more. She judges people’s desire to be in a relationship because she sees it as unnecessary and a waste of time. She is quick to criticize your behavior as unhealthy even though she does some unhealthy things as well.
I am not saying all of this about her to make you think I am better than her. Quite the opposite, she has been very successful in her career and school. She has healed a lot through therapy. I am extremely proud of her and everything she has accomplished. I just wish she would acknowledge those things about me rather than judge me for the way I live my life and what I want to achieve. I know I have a lot of growth in me still, I just wish the person who I have considered my best friend for so long would see that without criticizing me. I wish I could still talk to her about anything like before and get advice, get help instead of judgmental comments and looks.
I am happy that she has found others in her life to rely on and communicate with. I am happy she is achieving her goals and dreams. At this point in our friendship, I have to accept that we can’t depend on each other anymore and we have others in our lives that we are closer to. I always thought she would be my maid of honor at my wedding but now I am sure she won’t be. If I can’t be completely comfortable and safe with her, I can’t consider her a best friend or my twin anymore. It breaks my heart but we are just different people now, with different ways of thinking.
Over the last several years my confidence has definitely grown and improved. I remember being a young teenager, looking in the mirror and hating everything about myself. My weight, my skin color, hair, teeth, even eye color. There was nothing about myself that I loved but I became very good at hiding this pain. My smile was my greatest mask. I realized that if I had a smile on my face, people would believe I was confident. Now as I have gone up, I know I was not alone in hating myself as a teenager but honestly I don’t remember any of my friends ever talking about that so I just assumed they liked themselves and that was it. I have always been the chubby friend honestly and now I am okay with that. Back then, damn it was hard. Going shopping with my friends was the worst because they would want to go to all these stores that only had sizes 0-12 and I was a size 16 back time which now I would honestly love to be size 16! Either way, going shopping with them always made me very uncomfortable and depressed because I knew I wouldn’t be able to find something that fit me and I would just have to stand there while they enjoyed themselves and found cute outfits. My friends never teased me about my weight or my appearance if anything they always told me how pretty I was or that I looked nice. When they would compliment me, my anxiety and own issues made me think that they were just lying to me to be nice. Taking pictures with my friends was something that didn’t happen often. I have a lot of pictures that I took of my friends but very few pictures have me in them. I would avoid a camera like the plague or I would volunteer to be the one to take the pictures. I hated my picture being taken and even today, I have a problem with it. All of my insecurities come out when I see myself in a picture. “Oh my god, why am I so fat? Ugh, my smile looks stupid, my hair looks bad.” All of this and more would go through my head so I just avoided those situations. I regret this behavior now. I wish I had more pictures of myself from junior high, high school. I do have a lot of fun and amazing memories from that time in my life but unfortunately because of my low self-confidence and hatred of myself I don’t have many pictures to look back on. That will always be one of my greatest regrets from my adolescent years. Don’t let that negative voice in your head stop you from living your life to the fullest. Don’t let insecurities ruin your present but you might regret in the future that you did this.
Care free is how we used to be
Hanging out every day
Never any problems
Yet there was so much complaining
We should have enjoyed ourselves
We should have appreciated what we had
It’s all gone now
We let everything separate us
We are nothing but strangers now
I don’t like the way I am most of the time. I mean I like myself but I always hate how I act and react to certain situations. Things that should be simple are turned into massive problems. Things that are extreme issues are ignored and disregarded. I should just be comfortable by now to express myself and my concerns but sometimes I think that will never happen. I’ll never be completely comfortable enough to fully express myself. If I were to do that, I would probably be called a bitch or stupid for feeling these things. I know that’s not true for everyone in my life. There are those who welcome my truth and want to know my thoughts but others who supposably know me have no interest in finding out what is actually happening in my life. Change is coming and change is scary. But change is also a good thing, a necessary thing. Whether that’s starting a new job. Trying a new workout routine. Or cutting out someone that is unhelpful and uncaring. The people around you who will accept you and your changes are those who should stay, not those who will judge you with their tone, with their disapproving look. Find those who support you. Find those that have encourage you.
Am I basic?
Am I trying too hard?
Am I fake?
Stereotypes are all around
Expectations are high
I shouldn’t care
I shouldn’t be phony
I shouldn’t let them change me
I like basic and different things
I like being the best me
I don’t like being fake
Being happy should be okay
Being upset should be okay
Allowing all emotions
Someday everything will be okay
There will be no more doubt
Many people start blogs or youtube channels to get famous and make a lot of money but Mallory and I are not here for any of that. I am sure everyone has heard that before so I don’t expect any of you to believe us. I am only here because there are quite a few things on my mind that I want to put out there and I hope that maybe a few of you can relate. My best friend in the entire world is Mallory or as I call her “Twin.” Mallory and I will make a separate post going into detail about our fucking amazing friendship but for now I will give you some basic points. Mallory and I met at Walmart in Chandler, Arizona back in late 2009. We would talk here and there but we didn’t realize we were soulmates until 2011. From that one random day in the Walmart break room, we have been best friends and constantly together. We would spend as much time together as possible, text/call each other 24/7, and going to ihop almost every night after work. When I moved away from Arizona to Nebraska at the end of the summer of 2012, the hardest thing was leaving my twin. We have still continued our amazing friendship, just long distance now. Once a year we see each other and that’s the best few days ever! There is no sleeping or work. Just twin time!
Starting around July 2015, things were getting very difficult for my twin and me. Both of us were struggling with our lives around this time and just slowly falling into this black hole of despair and depression. Up to this point we would talk to each other every couple of days and share things on facebook or tumblr but when everything started unrevealing in our lives, Mallory and I reconnected like never before. We were there 24/7 to support each other. Every single day starting around late June, early July, we would text constantly, snapchat, skype once a week, and also weekly phone calls. I can truly say that without Mallory and without her support, I would have fallen into my deep sea of depression that I don’t think I would have survived. I know that last statement may seem dramatic or an over exaggeration but not to me. I truly believe that without Mallory and without finally seeking help, I would not be here today. Throughout this blog, I will go more in depth that my depression and the constant anxiety that I have been living with for now 22 years. Mallory, herself will also, talk about her experiences separately on this blog. We are both very similar in so many ways and yet we each have experienced so many things throughout our lives and think so differently that both of our points of views are necessary in this blog. We do want to let whoever is reading this blog know that all of the posts aren’t going to be all about our experiences and the problems we have dealt with but we are also going to talk about creative stuff like fandoms, feminism, body positivity, fan fiction (maybe!) and even some poetry and short stories. This blog is going to be our outlet and we want this blog to be a reflection of our friendship and everything that we normally talk about in our daily conversations.