Posted in death, emotions, friendship, life, lifestyle, mourning, relationship

May 4th

Today is the day I have been dreading for a long time. Today is the day I believed would cause a setback with my anxiety and depression. And yet honestly it’s been an okay day. Let me explain.

Today, May 4th, is the anniversary of one of the dearest friends, Patrick, passing away. It had been two years now. I remember this day last year was absolutely awful. The entire day I felt sick, I couldn’t do anything. I can’t eat, sleep, think, talk; nothing at all. To some, this kind of reaction might seem dramatic or excessive but it was my reality. My true and genuine reaction that I was so sure would repeat itself today. But it didn’t.

My behavior and attitude today was different. Although I am still and will always be heart broken that he is gone, I felt like honoring him, not mourning him. And knowing him, the best way to honor him was by living my normal life, enjoying the little things, and by rocking out to some music.

I went to work today and laughed with my coworkers. I smiled and helped customers. I enjoyed that cool breeze as I walked to my car. I sang my heart out to some random songs on my long drive home from work and I relaxed the rest of the day by watching YouTube and writing. He would be proud of me.

Patrick wouldn’t want me to be crying, feeling like shit all day as I laid in bed. How I felt last year, he would have never been okay with that but it’s what I needed at the time. When people say it gets easier as time goes on, I never believed it because if you lose someone special, it should always affect you right? Right but what I didn’t realize is that yes a death of a loved one will always affect you and be with you but not in a bad way. Today has made me realize that I need to live my life and be happy. Not because it’s what Patrick would have wanted for me but because I should want it for myself and that’s what I have forgotten that Patrick taught me. He always wanted me smiling, enjoying my life. No matter what the day had in store for me, I need to start feeling joyful and thankful for everything I have.

I miss him every day. I will always miss him. But it’s time for me to start honoring the amazing man that he was and to start seeing myself and the world with his eyes because he was right.

-Stacey