Posted in blog

My First Tattoo

For the majority of my life, I have battled depression and anxiety. One day I am good, the next I am having a panic attack or I’m hiding away from the world because everything is just too much. I knew I wanted my first tattoo to represent my mental health and a reminder to myself to always focus on the good in my life.

“One More Light” is a reference to my favorite band Linkin Park and one of their songs. Their music has helped me so much during some hard times in my life and it holds a special place in my heart. When I am having a bad day, overwhelmed and depressed, this quote reminds me that there is always one more light in all of the darkness.

In the Mistborn books by Brandon Sanderson, the symbol next to “One More Light” represents the metal Brass that magic users use to soothe someone’s emotions. The reason I wanted that symbol as a tattoo is a reminder to myself to soothe my emotions when my anxiety is flaring up.

Books and music play an important role in my life and mental health so I couldn’t be happy with this tattoo.

Thank you to Sara at Brazen Heart Tattoo for this amazing tattoo amazing.

Posted in Bad Mexican Daughter, blog, life

The Bad Mexican Daughter – Part 4

For this Bad Mexican Daughter post, I don’t have a specific topic to discuss but I just want to talk about my recent experience with my family when I flew down to Arizona at the end of June. So I went back to AZ for my mom’s 50th birthday, she is the member of my family that I am closest to so I felt like I could not miss her birthday this year for any reason. I was excited to spend time with her and celebrate her birthday even though being around my family for 4 days straight with no place to hide is really hard. 

To save money, I decided to stay at my parents’ house instead of booking a hotel room and honestly I think that was a mistake. Just like I always do, let me just say, I love my family but unfortunately, they agitate my anxiety so much. When I am hanging out with them, especially my sister and dad, I just feel completely judged and like an alien. 

Let me explain the alien part. I am VERY different from my family. I love to read, love fantasy/science fiction/superhero movies, rock/metal music and I just don’t always connect with them about their likes. So when I am there and I am just reading or watching a certain show on TV, there is always someone in my family who comments on how weird I am. They like saying how “white” I am and that if I didn’t look like them, they would think I wasn’t part of the family because I am so different. 

I have worked really hard over the years to like and love myself. I have worked hard to not be ashamed of my interests and just who I am in general. Which means that every time I spend a decent amount of time with my family, all of the work I have done on myself seems to go out the window. I find it so difficult to like myself and not be ashamed of myself when I have people constantly telling me how different and strange I am. I know they are not trying to be mean, they are just pointing out the obvious but when I have told them how those comments make me feel and they still continue, I don’t know what else I can do besides just stay away from them. 

My sister is probably the person that says these kinds of comments to me the most and somehow makes me feel the worst about myself. She and I have always been opposites and while growing up, I was the good daughter and she was the troublemaker. Now those roles have reversed in my parents’ eyes because I choose to take care of myself first instead of focusing on the family and moving away. 

Since we couldn’t have a party for our mom this year because of the pandemic, my sister came up with an idea to reach out to our friends and family to submit a happy birthday video message for our mom. I thought that was a brilliant idea and I helped as much as I could. She reached out to the majority of people though because she had access to our mom’s phone book since they live together and I don’t. She had to point out for the entire four days I was there that she did pretty much everything by herself. She also decorated the house for our mom’s birthday, did it while I was out, and then made comments like she did this all because she loves mom so much and that she didn’t get any help. 

I just wonder sometimes if other people feel like aliens in their own family or if it’s just me. Honestly it feels like I am constantly speaking a different language from the rest of my family and I have to try so hard not to let it completely trigger my depression and my anxiety.

Sorry for the long winded rant about this. Hopefully some of you will understand my feelings and thoughts about this. Maybe there are a few of you that even feel like this too. 

Alrighty, have a great day everyone!

Posted in blog, life, Pet

Life Update

Hey everyone! I hope everyone is doing well and you are all safe!

I wanted to do a little life update right now because I haven’t really updated you guys about what is happening in my life for a while. The biggest change which I mentioned only slightly is I moved away from Arizona to Washington State. I have been here for almost two months and wow, am I in love. Honestly I have always wanted to live in the Pacific Northwest and now here I am! The weather is the best part in my opinion. Give me rain and clouds every day and I will be forever happy. 

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you have heard about my dog Wallaby. He is a mini pinscher, chihuahua mix who we adopted almost one year ago. He was unfortunately abused before we adopted him so he has pretty bad anxiety and separation anxiety. When we moved out here to Washington, I was worried that such a change would have upset him but I was pleasantly surprised that Wallaby absolutely loves it up here. He actually has a huge backyard to run around all day and he lives close to his dog cousins (my boyfriend’s family dogs) so he is never alone anymore. The only time he has had an anxiety attack since we moved to Washington was during fourth of July because of all the fireworks. It is so nice to know that Wallaby is happy and feels safe; he is my sweet boy and I just want him to always be happy!

We all are living in a stressful time right now because of the pandemic and social unrest. I know that for me, as someone who has depression and an anxiety disorder, my mental health has been struggling a bit. I like having control over everything, it is just part of my personality but of course, right now there is no way to have any control over what is happening to our world. Because of all of these stressors, my boyfriend and I decided to take a small weekend trip to Leavenworth, Washington. I was pleased that all of the shops and restaurants there required people to wear masks and there were hand sanitizer stations in every shop and throughout the city. It was so nice to go somewhere for a mini vacation to relax and not think about my current unemployment, social unrest, and it was hopeful to see everyone in Leavenworth working together to be safe. 

Leavenworth was a perfect little town that made you feel like you were in a small German town. Every shop and restaurant created this amazing environment that transported you out of the USA to rural Germany. If you ever have a chance to go to Leavenworth, do it! You will not regret it all. 

Posted in blog, emotions, family, fandom, friendship, geek, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, music, nerd, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

To anyone that might read this

Hi my name is Stacey and thank you for visiting my blog. I started this blog years ago when I was going through the worst depression I have ever experienced and needed a safe place to express my emotions, my thoughts. My depression back in 2015 was no joke, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t function as a human being. I had to go on leave from work for six months and was going to therapy, at first five times a week, with a psychologist and a counselor. I had no real support in my life which made everything ten times tougher. I was in a loveless, harmful relationship with a guy that believed his problems were the only problems that mattered. My family lived in another state which sucked but honestly even if they had been in the same state, their presence would have probably added to my depression.

Let me explain. I love my mom and I know she loves me but I am a disappointment to her. I am first generation college student who was always good at school so my family expected me to go to a university, graduate in four years and get a good paying job right out of college. Let’s just say that did not happen. Instead I moved away from my family after my freshmen year, moved in with a boy, and dropped out of college. My family, especially my mom, likes to bring this up and how I should be done with school and my degree by now. Also my mom doesn’t believe in psychology and psychological disorders. She was raised in Mexico in a very Catholic environment and if you had a problem or any stress, you were to pray to God for help not go to a doctor or therapist. So when I had my mental breakdown, my mom could not understand why it was happening and she didn’t believe I needed therapy and medication. To add to all of this, I was getting texts from my sister, who was still living with my parents, that I needed to stop being selfish and move back home because I am upsetting our mom. Absolutely no support or kind words from her at all, just judgement. Lastly, the main reason my depression would have been worse with my family around…my dad. In another future post that I am going to write I will go into detail about my relationship with my dad. All I need to say now is that he was a compulsive gambler and alcoholic for my entire childhood and life (until recently) and he is a great deal of stress and anxiety in my life. I never told him about my depression or anxiety because he would have made a joke about it and believed that I was just being a “drama queen.” Currently, our relationship has improved slightly but if I spend too much time around him, or see him and my mom interact, my anxiety and stress spikes.

Okay, enough about my family drama. Back to reason I am writing all of this down. I want this page to be where I can write about anything and have a conversation with people about issues like depression, anxiety, family problems, unhealthy relationships. But also have a place to talk about fun things that I love like fantasy books (or just books in general XD), movies, harry potter, supernatural, dungeons and dragons, paranormal, conspiracies, etc. etc! I also want to continue to work on my poetry which has a special place in my heart. I think I covered everything I wanted to cover. I hope someone reads this and wants to come continue a conversation with me that I start. We shall see I guess! Thanks to anyone who is here reading this!

-Stacey

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, mourning, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

This is the end

Today 

I lost you 

For a long time I denied it 

I was in denial 

But today I lost you 

 

You and I were broken

Damaged 

Alone 

But you and I were twins at the end of the day

 

Together we suffered 

Together we survived 

Together we conquered

Because we were twins 

 

When we were down, we had each other 

When we were up, we celebrated together

When we cried, we cried together

When we needed support, we supported each other 

 

Now we scowl, bark, bicker

Now we judge, criticize, disdain

 

Do you miss us?

I know I do

 

Losing you has hurt me more than I imagined 

Losing you has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to face

This loss will take a long time to recover 

But I will recover

I will move on, 

I will be happy

Posted in blog, emotions, life, lifestyle, love, Uncategorized

Late Night Thought

I don’t like the way I am most of the time. I mean I like myself but I always hate how I act and react to certain situations. Things that should be simple are turned into massive problems. Things that are extreme issues are ignored and disregarded. I should just be comfortable by now to express myself and my concerns but sometimes I think that will never happen. I’ll never be completely comfortable enough to fully express myself. If I were to do that, I would probably be called a bitch or stupid for feeling these things. I know that’s not true for everyone in my life. There are those who welcome my truth and want to know my thoughts but others who supposably know me have no interest in finding out what is actually happening in my life. Change is coming and change is scary. But change is also a good thing, a necessary thing. Whether that’s starting a new job. Trying a new workout routine. Or cutting out someone that is unhelpful and uncaring. The people around you who will accept you and your changes are those who should stay, not those who will judge you with their tone, with their disapproving look. Find those who support you. Find those that have encourage you.

Posted in blog, emotions, poem, poetry, Uncategorized

Pretend

Force that smile,
that affection,
that laughter,
Force that joy

That is what they all want
No sadness
No anxiety
Only joy

A constant performance of happiness
Acceptable
Nothing less than that

How dare you not be happy?
You were never anxious before
Completely unacceptable
Do better

Your anxiety
Makes us uncomfortable
No reason for it
We will dismiss it now

Force that smile,
that affection,
that laughter

Not anymore
Never again

-Stacey

Posted in lifestyle, poetry

The Way It Is

The air is running out
Walls are caving in
Constantly holding back tears
Constantly presenting a fake smile

You don’t know me
I don’t know me
Make it change
Maybe it will never change
Who knows?

The darkness comes and goes
Some light comes in randomly
Though it does not last
The constant cold scares me

Enjoy the bright moments
Do not give into the darkness
Darkness, go away
Darkness, fade away

-Stacey

Posted in Uncategorized

My Emotions

In my entire life, I have always had a problem with anxiety and recently it developed into depression as well. I have always been very good about hiding these feelings, putting up a smile and cheerfulness into my personality but around the summer of 2015, everything started changing. Every morning I woke up and I would just think, “Why another day?” or “No, please no.” The idea of getting out of bed had nothing to do with me being lazy and wanting more sleep. Once I am awake, I immediately want to get up from my bed and go do something. The thoughts I was having every morning had to do with my emotional state. I would just wake up with an overwhelming sense of dread and despair. Even though the idea of getting up from bed was bad, nothing compared to the horror I felt about leaving my house for any reason. I would have to focus myself to walk out the door and get in my car to go anywhere. On the days that I had to work, by the time I got to work, I just felt like crying. Every single day around this time, fighting back the tears was a constant battle. There were quite a few times though that the tears won. For me, crying or showing emotions in general, is terrible and incredibly draining. Just a few seconds after the release of all of these emotions and tears, I would feel nothing. I was numb for hours or sometimes days. Emotions have never been my strong point. Some people would just call me serious especially when I was in high school and early college years because I definitely wasn’t the party animal or even a fun person. I preferred to stay at home or my dorm than doing anything else. Everything would drain me. I hated being like this though. I still hate this about myself. I have missed out a lot in life because of my lack of energy, desire, and motivation. Again, I want to say, I am definitely not lazy. I am a hard working person who loves to do a good job at everything. But unfortunately, the constant fears and anxieties that I possess have severely affected my life. I want to change and I am working on changing.

I have realized during the last couple of weeks that one of the major factors to my anxiety and depression is that I don’t love myself. I have always lived with the fear of complete silence and isolation. For the longest time, I thought those fears came from just the normal idea of its creepy and what if a murderer comes to kill me when I am alone but now I have realized that the reason I have these fears is because I didn’t want to be with myself.  I have never been happy or satisfied with who I am and how I look. The idea of spending time with me and my thoughts was horrifying. There were thousands of negative and hurtful thoughts in my brain that if I was by myself and allowed them to come through, I would end up depressing myself more. I learned a long time ago how to avoid my thoughts and problems. Youtube, Tumblr, and Netflix were the three major helpers when it came to avoiding everything. It’s easier to avoid and push my problems aside when I can focus on my favorite youtubers or watch my favorite shows while scrolling through tumblr for hours. When I am doing my avoidance activities, I am 100% invested in those things, not because I am obsessed (well only a litte XD) with these youtubers or tv shows but because if I am not, the fear, panic, anxiety, etc will come in. It comes like a wave that overtakes everything about me. I wouldn’t want anyone to ever feel these emotions. I don’t want to feel these emotions or any emotions. That’s why I hide online. Online, I can hide from everyone and everything. I know hiding and avoiding my problems is not healthy but for a long time, that was the only way I could survive. It was the only way for me to live a semi-normal life.

Now, that I have talked a bit about my thoughts and avoidance activities that I do, I want to talk about the body issues I have. First off I want to say that I don’t ever remember anyone calling me fat or trying to shame me for my weight but I know for a fact that I did it to myself constantly. I was lucky that growing up, I didn’t have any of my friends tease me and I can’t recall any memories of being bullied about my weight or anything really by them. For the most part, my friends were the ones telling me that I was beautiful and encouraging me to be happy with who I am. I never believed or listened to them though. The only memories I have about being shamed about my weight was when my parents would say something. They weren’t doing it to be cruel or hurtful. My dad would say things like, “You are gaining weight…Maybe stop drinking so much soda,” and my mom would say things like, “You shouldn’t wear white or bright colors and definitely no strips on your clothing because that makes you look fatter.” Those kinds of phrases from my parents weren’t hurtful right off the bat but they would stay with me. I would only buy dark or black clothing because it made me feel slimmer. I would only wear solid colors and jeans for years. I was frequently eluding mirrors and my reflection especially full length mirrors.  I was and still to this day have compared myself to other women around me. There are a lot of factors that have caused me to be fat. Before I get into those though, let me just say, for years, the word “fat” was very offensive to me. I hated hearing or seeing that word anywhere because I hated myself. Even though I wouldn’t let people around me know that I was having these thoughts and I never said anything to my family or friends when they would say “fat,” I felt like just the mention of that word was a personal attack to me. Lately I can finally say that word about myself and I am okay with that. Being fat is not a bad thing and I have started to love myself. It’s been a long process though.

When I said that there were a few factors that play a role to my weight, what I was referring to was some health conditions, my eating habitats, and my lack of physical activity. I am not going to pretend that I exercise because I don’t and I am not going to lie and say that I eat super health because I definitely don’t. I love food and I have a massive sweet tooth. I have a massive caffeine addiction. I love my pop and fast food. Exercise has never been a part of my life except during my childhood and during high school. I used to swim a lot when I was earlier, played soccer with my cousins, and was in marching band all four years of high school. My physical activity has definitely decreased since leaving high school. My last job at Walmart had me running around a lot so that did help maintain my weight a bit but after I quit there and started working at Verizon, my weight started to go up. These two things have caused me to be fat and prevent me from losing weight but there are two other things that make it hard for me to lose weight but make it super easy for me to gain. Only a few people close to me know this but I have a thyroid condition called hypothyroidism which means that I have underactive thyroid and I also have polycystic ovarian syndrome which is another hormonal disorder causing enlarged ovaries and they have cysts. Both of these conditions are fairly common and both of these cause weight gain and make it difficult to lose weight. Again I want to say, I know that I am not helping myself with my eating and exercise habits. A lot of people assume by looking at someone that is overweight or fat, that it’s just because they eat too much and do no exercise and yes there are some people like that out in the world. The reason I want to share my conditions with you guys is not because I want sympathy or want people to say, “oh well she can’t help it, its medical,” the reason I want to share this is because I want people to understand that there are hundreds of reasons or conditions that cause someone to be overweight. There are a lot of factors that play a rule in people’s lives and it’s unfair for someone to fat shame individuals without knowing the whole story.

-Stacey

Posted in Uncategorized

An Introduction: Hi I’m Stacey, or Aandra

Many people start blogs or youtube channels to get famous and make a lot of money but Mallory and I are not here for any of that. I am sure everyone has heard that before so I don’t expect any of you to believe us. I am only here because there are quite a few things on my mind that I want to put out there and I hope that maybe a few of you can relate. My best friend in the entire world is Mallory or as I call her “Twin.” Mallory and I will make a separate post going into detail about our fucking amazing friendship but for now I will give you some basic points. Mallory and I met at Walmart in Chandler, Arizona back in late 2009. We would talk here and there but we didn’t realize we were soulmates until 2011. From that one random day in the Walmart break room, we have been best friends and constantly together. We would spend as much time together as possible, text/call each other 24/7, and going to ihop almost every night after work. When I moved away from Arizona to Nebraska at the end of the summer of 2012, the hardest thing was leaving my twin. We have still continued our amazing friendship, just long distance now. Once a year we see each other and that’s the best few days ever! There is no sleeping or work. Just twin time!

Starting around July 2015, things were getting very difficult for my twin and me. Both of us were struggling with our lives around this time and just slowly falling into this black hole of despair and depression. Up to this point we would talk to each other every couple of days and share things on facebook or tumblr but when everything started unrevealing in our lives, Mallory and I reconnected like never before. We were there 24/7 to support each other. Every single day starting around late June, early July, we would text constantly, snapchat, skype once a week, and also weekly phone calls. I can truly say that without Mallory and without her support, I would have fallen into my deep sea of depression that I don’t think I would have survived. I know that last statement may seem dramatic or an over exaggeration but not to me. I truly believe that without Mallory and without finally seeking help, I would not be here today. Throughout this blog, I will go more in depth that my depression and the constant anxiety that I have been living with for now 22 years. Mallory, herself will also, talk about her experiences separately on this blog. We are both very similar in so many ways and yet we each have experienced so many things throughout our lives and think so differently that both of our points of views are necessary in this blog. We do want to let whoever is reading this blog know that all of the posts aren’t going to be all about our experiences and the problems we have dealt with but we are also going to talk about creative stuff like fandoms, feminism, body positivity, fan fiction (maybe!) and even some poetry and short stories. This blog is going to be our outlet and we want this blog to be a reflection of our friendship and everything that we normally talk about in our daily conversations.