Posted in blog, emotions, family, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, mourning

The End of an Era

A few months ago, I wrote about a friendship of mine that had changed. One where my friend and I were very close, very dependent on each other but after 10+ years of friendship, we were just becoming too different to stay best friends. But since that post, many things have happened. 

My friend and I used to be roommates and wow, was that a bad choice. Our friendship pretty much dissolved completely in just a year. The first post where I wrote about our friendship was about 9 to 10 months into us living together. If any of you have read that post, which was called “Friendships Change,” you would understand how our friendship was before it blew up. It was helpful, healing, and just fun. Music played a huge role in our friendship. Unhealthy family dynamics probably played the largest role in our friendship. 

Anyways, I wanted to write about this again because since that post, the friendship has completely exploded. Even though I was still under a lease at our apartment, I just told her that I would continue to pay my part of the rent but I was moving out. I couldn’t live in a place where I felt constantly criticized and where my life and the people in my life were looked at with disdain. 

I had hoped deep down that once I moved out and some time had passed, we would be able to maybe mend our friendship. I didn’t think we would ever be best friends again like before, but maybe just a friend that you talk and hang out with here and there. How wrong I was. 

As soon as our lease was up and we moved completely out, she removed me from all social media and blocked me. The day I found that out, man, did it hurt. All my hopes about keeping her in my life were gone. It has been about 5 months since we last talked. Whenever something big or important happens in my life, my first instinct is to text her and tell her about it but then I remember I can’t do that anymore. 

There are some days when all of this really hurts and I just want to cry. She was like a sister to me, someone who I trust over everyone else. I know I don’t have that person anymore, that they are just gone sucks so much. I have grieved for loved ones before that have passed away, and this pain is very similar to that. The person who was my sister, my best friend is gone; she doesn’t exist anymore. 

Day by day, the pain is slowly fading. I have made new friendships, who support and encourage me, who love the me I am today. She made her choice. If she wants nothing to do with me anymore, then I will move on and eventually, I hope that I will just remember our friendship for the good times we had. I wish her nothing but the best. 

If any of you have ever gone through something like this or are currently going through this, just know it gets better. But remember, it is still okay to mourn that friendship, that held a special place in your heart for so long.

Posted in blog, emotions, family, fandom, friendship, geek, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, music, nerd, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

To anyone that might read this

Hi my name is Stacey and thank you for visiting my blog. I started this blog years ago when I was going through the worst depression I have ever experienced and needed a safe place to express my emotions, my thoughts. My depression back in 2015 was no joke, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t function as a human being. I had to go on leave from work for six months and was going to therapy, at first five times a week, with a psychologist and a counselor. I had no real support in my life which made everything ten times tougher. I was in a loveless, harmful relationship with a guy that believed his problems were the only problems that mattered. My family lived in another state which sucked but honestly even if they had been in the same state, their presence would have probably added to my depression.

Let me explain. I love my mom and I know she loves me but I am a disappointment to her. I am first generation college student who was always good at school so my family expected me to go to a university, graduate in four years and get a good paying job right out of college. Let’s just say that did not happen. Instead I moved away from my family after my freshmen year, moved in with a boy, and dropped out of college. My family, especially my mom, likes to bring this up and how I should be done with school and my degree by now. Also my mom doesn’t believe in psychology and psychological disorders. She was raised in Mexico in a very Catholic environment and if you had a problem or any stress, you were to pray to God for help not go to a doctor or therapist. So when I had my mental breakdown, my mom could not understand why it was happening and she didn’t believe I needed therapy and medication. To add to all of this, I was getting texts from my sister, who was still living with my parents, that I needed to stop being selfish and move back home because I am upsetting our mom. Absolutely no support or kind words from her at all, just judgement. Lastly, the main reason my depression would have been worse with my family around…my dad. In another future post that I am going to write I will go into detail about my relationship with my dad. All I need to say now is that he was a compulsive gambler and alcoholic for my entire childhood and life (until recently) and he is a great deal of stress and anxiety in my life. I never told him about my depression or anxiety because he would have made a joke about it and believed that I was just being a “drama queen.” Currently, our relationship has improved slightly but if I spend too much time around him, or see him and my mom interact, my anxiety and stress spikes.

Okay, enough about my family drama. Back to reason I am writing all of this down. I want this page to be where I can write about anything and have a conversation with people about issues like depression, anxiety, family problems, unhealthy relationships. But also have a place to talk about fun things that I love like fantasy books (or just books in general XD), movies, harry potter, supernatural, dungeons and dragons, paranormal, conspiracies, etc. etc! I also want to continue to work on my poetry which has a special place in my heart. I think I covered everything I wanted to cover. I hope someone reads this and wants to come continue a conversation with me that I start. We shall see I guess! Thanks to anyone who is here reading this!

-Stacey

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, mourning, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

Untitled

Been thinking of you lately 

All of our memories, 

our goals and dreams 

Images flood my mind 

The strangest things remind of me you 

The holidays always make me reflect 

On life, on my choices, my goals 

Before you were included in my life, choices, goals

Now you don’t fit into the equation

Around me I see happiness, a future 

I see my dreams coming true

A smile on my face more and more 

Then I remember you and the past 

You were my biggest cheerleader, 

My best friend 

But you choose to be hostile, to change and 

not be willing to change together 

So now I’m happy 

But without you

it seems weird 

I know it’s just weird now 

This is all new to me, of course it’s weird 

Soon I’ll still be happy

But without the weirdness  

because eventually this weirdness will disappear

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, mourning, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

This is the end

Today 

I lost you 

For a long time I denied it 

I was in denial 

But today I lost you 

 

You and I were broken

Damaged 

Alone 

But you and I were twins at the end of the day

 

Together we suffered 

Together we survived 

Together we conquered

Because we were twins 

 

When we were down, we had each other 

When we were up, we celebrated together

When we cried, we cried together

When we needed support, we supported each other 

 

Now we scowl, bark, bicker

Now we judge, criticize, disdain

 

Do you miss us?

I know I do

 

Losing you has hurt me more than I imagined 

Losing you has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to face

This loss will take a long time to recover 

But I will recover

I will move on, 

I will be happy

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, life, lifestyle, love, nerd, relationship, Uncategorized

Friendships Change

Letting go of a 10+ year friendship is never an easy thing. Hell, even letting go any friendship is really hard. These friendships might have been what you needed to heal and grow at one point of your life but things change. People change.

I have had someone in my life for years and for the longest time, it was like we were twins. Of course, we had different personalities and ways of thinking but in general we were very much alike. From obsessing over Harry Potter and Supernatural to both of us having serious family drama. We could relate to each other so well that we could just look at each other and know what the other one was feeling. I’ll admit, it probably hasn’t the healthiest friendship around. I think we were very dependent on one another and that was probably not the best idea.

As the years have gone by, we have both changed and matured quite a bit. Both of us have been through some serious trauma since we met back in 2010 and both of us are still trying to heal. The main issue now though we can’t relate to each other anymore. My friend was always very political and strong minded, which I have always admired, but after spending time in the Midwest and expressing different cultures/lifestyles, we have come to see the world very differently. She will hate on something that she loved last year just because of one bad article without looking into the accusations more. She judges people’s desire to be in a relationship because she sees it as unnecessary and a waste of time. She is quick to criticize your behavior as unhealthy even though she does some unhealthy things as well.

I am not saying all of this about her to make you think I am better than her. Quite the opposite, she has been very successful in her career and school. She has healed a lot through therapy. I am extremely proud of her and everything she has accomplished. I just wish she would acknowledge those things about me rather than judge me for the way I live my life and what I want to achieve. I know I have a lot of growth in me still, I just wish the person who I have considered my best friend for so long would see that without criticizing me. I wish I could still talk to her about anything like before and get advice, get help instead of judgmental comments and looks.

I am happy that she has found others in her life to rely on and communicate with. I am happy she is achieving her goals and dreams. At this point in our friendship, I have to accept that we can’t depend on each other anymore and we have others in our lives that we are closer to. I always thought she would be my maid of honor at my wedding but now I am sure she won’t be. If I can’t be completely comfortable and safe with her, I can’t consider her a best friend or my twin anymore. It breaks my heart but we are just different people now, with different ways of thinking.

Posted in emotions, friendship, lifestyle, love, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

Unknown Game

Silence speaks loudly to me
This distance draws me closely
The unknown kills
While the known changes to fiction

Everything happens for a reason
But the reason is unclear
And when the silence speaks louder than words
This game is painful
No enjoy remains

I may appear weak
Fragile
I swear I am not
Honesty is all I seek

The silence kills me
The unknown cripples me
Be honest
Free me of this constant torture

Posted in blog, friendship, life

My Confidant

Today I was reminded of you. 

Cleaning out my phone led to our past conversations. Those conversations seem so old now, from so long ago. Going through those messages made me sad but more than that, they made me angry. Angry at you. 

You had left me once before. That hurt. I thought we were close yet you disappeared on me. Years later we reconnected. I was cautious. I was nervous. But I gave in and let you back in. We talked all day, every day. We motivated each other. We were there for one another. 

When everything came tumbling down on me last year, you were there. You made yourself available to me 24/7. You made sure I never felt alone. You got me through what I would consider the toughest period of my life. And for that, I’ll always be grateful. 
But this didn’t last. 

You and I started communicating less and less. Still I thought we were okay. Life was just busier now. Later came the quiet distancing. You stopped confiding in me and at some point I stopped confiding in you too. Before I know it, you had vanished. Never heard a goodbye because you never offered me one. No explanation. No resolution. Nothing. 

At this point in my life all I want from you now is to know you are okay. Healthy and alive. Honestly that’s all. Whatever the reason was for disappearing with no warning, it doesn’t matter anymore. 

You were one of my closest friends. My confidant. Losing you will probably always hurt. I’ll live with that. 

I just want to know that wherever you are, you are okay.

-Stacey

Posted in death, emotions, friendship, life, lifestyle, mourning, relationship

May 4th

Today is the day I have been dreading for a long time. Today is the day I believed would cause a setback with my anxiety and depression. And yet honestly it’s been an okay day. Let me explain.

Today, May 4th, is the anniversary of one of the dearest friends, Patrick, passing away. It had been two years now. I remember this day last year was absolutely awful. The entire day I felt sick, I couldn’t do anything. I can’t eat, sleep, think, talk; nothing at all. To some, this kind of reaction might seem dramatic or excessive but it was my reality. My true and genuine reaction that I was so sure would repeat itself today. But it didn’t.

My behavior and attitude today was different. Although I am still and will always be heart broken that he is gone, I felt like honoring him, not mourning him. And knowing him, the best way to honor him was by living my normal life, enjoying the little things, and by rocking out to some music.

I went to work today and laughed with my coworkers. I smiled and helped customers. I enjoyed that cool breeze as I walked to my car. I sang my heart out to some random songs on my long drive home from work and I relaxed the rest of the day by watching YouTube and writing. He would be proud of me.

Patrick wouldn’t want me to be crying, feeling like shit all day as I laid in bed. How I felt last year, he would have never been okay with that but it’s what I needed at the time. When people say it gets easier as time goes on, I never believed it because if you lose someone special, it should always affect you right? Right but what I didn’t realize is that yes a death of a loved one will always affect you and be with you but not in a bad way. Today has made me realize that I need to live my life and be happy. Not because it’s what Patrick would have wanted for me but because I should want it for myself and that’s what I have forgotten that Patrick taught me. He always wanted me smiling, enjoying my life. No matter what the day had in store for me, I need to start feeling joyful and thankful for everything I have.

I miss him every day. I will always miss him. But it’s time for me to start honoring the amazing man that he was and to start seeing myself and the world with his eyes because he was right.

-Stacey

Posted in friendship, lifestyle, relationship

Goodbye is Not Okay

Reconnecting is amazing, reconnecting is terrifying. Its exciting yet awkward. You could be talking to someone you have known for years and yet the friendship seems to be new and starting from scratch. What causes so many friends to part? What causes people to almost forget all of the experiences that were shared together? Is life really so crazy that is causes us to separate from those we called “friends” or even “best friends?” In a world where people can be connected 24/7, how are friendships just disappearing? Staying best friends after years and years is definitely hard, people are constantly changing but those amazing friendships can just become regular friendships. Why completely forget each other? If there is a falling out, okay fine, that’s one thing. If there is nothing like that though why are we erasing each other from our lives?

When growing up, friends never believe they will part and fall out of the friendship zone. Then days, weeks, months, maybe years later, those “friends” will no longer exist. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and realize I’m completely alone and isolated. Where have you all gone? I don’t believe I am asking for much. A simple conversation, opening up a small line of communication can’t be that hard nowadays. When I am reaching out to these people, are they feeling or thinking the same way as me or have they not even bothered to care about our lost friendship at all?

If you were part of this tight group, where is that close group now? I miss them, do they miss me? Where these relationships more important to me than to them? Did I just imagine our closeness and our connection? Did I just care too much? Were these friendships all lies? All of these questions and more consume my thoughts daily. How could they have just become a “facebook friend?” When was liking someone’s post or picture an acceptable why to show someone that you still care and that you two are still friends? If there hasn’t been an conversation between you two in years, there is no friendship anymore.

Have we all become so busy with our lives and posting about our lives on social media sites that the idea of sending a simple, “Hey how have you been? Let’s catch up,” message just too much? Why does it take a serious event to bring up back together? We used to be together all the time. We supported each other and we laughed together all the time. Now we are nothing but facebook friends. I’m sorry but that’s not okay.

Do you ever miss me? Do you ever want to say hi? I know I do. New events and friendships are great and exciting but why does that mean the old ones have to evaporate?

We may never get back to what we had but let’s just be friends again.

-Stacey