Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, mourning, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

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Been thinking of you lately 

All of our memories, 

our goals and dreams 

Images flood my mind 

The strangest things remind of me you 

The holidays always make me reflect 

On life, on my choices, my goals 

Before you were included in my life, choices, goals

Now you don’t fit into the equation

Around me I see happiness, a future 

I see my dreams coming true

A smile on my face more and more 

Then I remember you and the past 

You were my biggest cheerleader, 

My best friend 

But you choose to be hostile, to change and 

not be willing to change together 

So now I’m happy 

But without you

it seems weird 

I know it’s just weird now 

This is all new to me, of course it’s weird 

Soon I’ll still be happy

But without the weirdness  

because eventually this weirdness will disappear

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, mourning, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

This is the end

Today 

I lost you 

For a long time I denied it 

I was in denial 

But today I lost you 

 

You and I were broken

Damaged 

Alone 

But you and I were twins at the end of the day

 

Together we suffered 

Together we survived 

Together we conquered

Because we were twins 

 

When we were down, we had each other 

When we were up, we celebrated together

When we cried, we cried together

When we needed support, we supported each other 

 

Now we scowl, bark, bicker

Now we judge, criticize, disdain

 

Do you miss us?

I know I do

 

Losing you has hurt me more than I imagined 

Losing you has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to face

This loss will take a long time to recover 

But I will recover

I will move on, 

I will be happy

Posted in blog, emotions, life, lifestyle, Uncategorized

Change is okay

Don’t be afraid of change. Change is a terrifying thing but it can lead to you discovering who you are, where you totally belong, and lead to the best experiences in your life. This is the story of the biggest event in my life that completely changed the course of my life forever.

Ever since I moved out to Nebraska over five years ago, I have become a different person. I am definitely not the same young woman that wanted to move away from everything familiar. So desperate to escape the world that I believed was awful. And in many ways, I still think that my life back in Arizona was pretty terrible but it wasn’t all bad. I guess I should start this entry by saying I do not regret my choice to move from Arizona to Nebraska. I truly believe it was the best choice I have ever made in my life.

I remember when I told my family and friends that I wanted to move away from home, they thought I just wanted to move out of my parents’ home. When I specified that I was referring to moving out of state, to Nebraska no less, there was a lot of confusion and anger from those closest to me. At the time I was hurt that they didn’t believe enough in me to think I could survive away from everyone but as time has gone on, I know they were more scared and sad than anything else.

It’s crazy to believe that when I moved out here, I was only 18. I was so young. Okay, maybe 18 is not really that young but in my family and in my group of friends, you just didn’t move out of your parents until you are older. Or well, married. Anyways, I was young when I left everything I had ever known. When I was 18, I thought I was a full blown adult. I thought I know everything and I didn’t need help from my family with regards to anything. Oh how wrong I was.

The first week was so rough. What am I talking about? The first year was rough; adjusting to a new city, new roommates, new job, new EVERYTHING was terrifying. Even though Nebraska and Arizona are both of course in the United States, the culture in these two states is completely different. The hardest part about moving away was being gone during holidays. I honestly didn’t think I would get as homesick as I did. I remember crying any time there was a holiday coming up. The worst though was when my first birthday came around. My boyfriend and new friends did everything they could to keep my mind off of home.  I am so thoughtful for all of the people that have come into my life here in Nebraska. They are some of the best people I have ever met. I know I would have moved back a long time ago if it wasn’t for these incredible people.

Over time, I have finally come to see Nebraska as my home. I haven’t felt that homesickness that I felt when I first moved out here. I love Arizona, or well my friends and family down there but I don’t think I could ever live there anymore. I love the culture here in Lincoln. There are actual seasons here! I can experience autumn and winter. I have finally experienced snow and a white Christmas. I get the great feeling of a smaller town but with all of the comforts of a big city.

There are a billion events that have happened in the last five years here in Nebraska. I would have never experienced these things if I had stayed in Arizona. I know I would be a completely different person if I had stayed. I am truthfully so happy with the person I am today and my choice to make a massive change is behind it. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but it was worth it. The people who I have met here have allowed me to become the person I was always meant to be. I don’t feel the need to hide myself and that’s all because of this move and the people in my life now.

Change is a part of life. Many shy away from it. They never take a chance. I don’t blame them. Change is scary, it’s hard, and it’s unpredictable. But without change, without taking a chance with something different, you may never discover who you really are. Take that chance, make that change. They will change your life forever.

Posted in friendship, lifestyle, relationship

Goodbye is Not Okay

Reconnecting is amazing, reconnecting is terrifying. Its exciting yet awkward. You could be talking to someone you have known for years and yet the friendship seems to be new and starting from scratch. What causes so many friends to part? What causes people to almost forget all of the experiences that were shared together? Is life really so crazy that is causes us to separate from those we called “friends” or even “best friends?” In a world where people can be connected 24/7, how are friendships just disappearing? Staying best friends after years and years is definitely hard, people are constantly changing but those amazing friendships can just become regular friendships. Why completely forget each other? If there is a falling out, okay fine, that’s one thing. If there is nothing like that though why are we erasing each other from our lives?

When growing up, friends never believe they will part and fall out of the friendship zone. Then days, weeks, months, maybe years later, those “friends” will no longer exist. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and realize I’m completely alone and isolated. Where have you all gone? I don’t believe I am asking for much. A simple conversation, opening up a small line of communication can’t be that hard nowadays. When I am reaching out to these people, are they feeling or thinking the same way as me or have they not even bothered to care about our lost friendship at all?

If you were part of this tight group, where is that close group now? I miss them, do they miss me? Where these relationships more important to me than to them? Did I just imagine our closeness and our connection? Did I just care too much? Were these friendships all lies? All of these questions and more consume my thoughts daily. How could they have just become a “facebook friend?” When was liking someone’s post or picture an acceptable why to show someone that you still care and that you two are still friends? If there hasn’t been an conversation between you two in years, there is no friendship anymore.

Have we all become so busy with our lives and posting about our lives on social media sites that the idea of sending a simple, “Hey how have you been? Let’s catch up,” message just too much? Why does it take a serious event to bring up back together? We used to be together all the time. We supported each other and we laughed together all the time. Now we are nothing but facebook friends. I’m sorry but that’s not okay.

Do you ever miss me? Do you ever want to say hi? I know I do. New events and friendships are great and exciting but why does that mean the old ones have to evaporate?

We may never get back to what we had but let’s just be friends again.

-Stacey