Hey everyone! Bad Mexican Daughter is back again! Sorry for the long stretch between the Bad Mexican Daughter posts. Unfortunately because of the current state of the world, I have not been in too much of a writing mood. I have pretty much just been hiding away into book after book. You guys may have noticed all of my book related content lately. Anyways, let this new post begin.
I have mentioned before how I didn’t grow up in the happiest of homes. There were many great memories and I love my family but I would be lying if I said that I had a happy childhood. It only got worse as I became a teenager because I could finally understand what my parents had been hiding from me and my sister the entire time; my dad’s alcoholism. Well actually, it was my mom keeping it a secret, my dad usually wasn’t there. He was too busy drinking at a bar or a casino to try and hide anything.
By the time I was a teenager, my sister and I could not stand each other. When I tell people this, they assume it’s typical sibling bickering but no, it was much deeper than that. As I grew up and learned more about who my father was, I did not try and hide my disappointment and frustration with him. I would ignore him or if he forced me to talk to him, I would snap at him. My sister is younger than me and she still didn’t know everything about his problems so what she saw was just a bad daughter being a bitch to her beloved dad. My mom had made me promise not to tell my sister anything about my dad or the drinking problem so I could not explain to her why I was acting that way towards our dad.
The reason I brought this all up is because this is the main reason I moved away to another state as soon as I was 18 years old. For a long time, I explained it to friends and family that I was moving away because of school but honestly, I just had to get away from my dad. It killed me to leave my mom but I knew that I could not stay near my dad because I could not deal with the lies and the fighting between my parents. Before I was 18, I would do anything I could to stay out of my house all day and sometimes all night. I couldn’t be there. What I know now is that I was doing all of this to protect myself because my anxiety and depression were getting worse the more time I spent near him.
Moving away, no matter if it was for a reason like the one I had, was not okay in my family. I think my mom understood deep down why I was leaving but everyone else in my extended family saw this move as strange and wrong. Mexican daughters are not supposed to leave their parents’ house until they are married. I had aunts, uncles, and my grandmother telling me all the time how much my parents, especially my mom missed me, how I should come back home because it would be best for my parents, that it’s safer to be at home with them. My dad’s problems were a known secret to the extended family and yet, I was the bad one in the household. How dare I leave my parents before marriage. To this day, I have family members tell me that it is good I moved back to my home state (6 years later, mind you) because my family needed me.
What frustrates me the most about all of this is that no one in my family (except maybe a cousin or two) seemed to understand the pain I was in when I lived at home. To them, my dad’s problems were just that, his problems. I was labeled the bad mexican daughter by my extended family because moving away was selfish and irresponsible. There could be no possible good reason for a young woman to move away from home, worse to another state.
Now I am 26 years old. I still get comments when my grandmother comes to visit the family that it’s a blessing to have me back in the same state as my parents, although I should really consider moving back with my parents all together. She loves to make me feel guilty, saying things like, “I know how happy your mom is to have you near again, she was so unhappy when you were gone. Your dad too. Good thing you realized the mistakes you made and came back.”
What only my mom and sister know now is that I plan on moving out of state again in May of this year. I have a great opportunity waiting for me in Washington so my boyfriend, my dog, and I are moving up there. I couldn’t be more excited, I have always wanted to live in Washington. My mom is actually happy for me. I don’t know if it is because she knows I am not running away this time or if it’s because I’m older but she is understanding and happy. My sister was a little passive aggressive when she found out but it was a better reaction than I was expecting honestly. I don’t really care what my extended family thinks about the move and that is why I haven’t told any of them. I still need to tell my dad but with everything going on in this world, I just haven’t had the chance. I know when I call and tell him, he will be upset at me but I’m unfortunately used to it. I will be the bad mexican daughter once again but at this point in my life, I am okay with that. Wish me luck everyone when I finally decide to call my dad with this news, later this week!