Posted in blog, emotions, family, fandom, friendship, geek, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, music, nerd, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

To anyone that might read this

Hi my name is Stacey and thank you for visiting my blog. I started this blog years ago when I was going through the worst depression I have ever experienced and needed a safe place to express my emotions, my thoughts. My depression back in 2015 was no joke, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t function as a human being. I had to go on leave from work for six months and was going to therapy, at first five times a week, with a psychologist and a counselor. I had no real support in my life which made everything ten times tougher. I was in a loveless, harmful relationship with a guy that believed his problems were the only problems that mattered. My family lived in another state which sucked but honestly even if they had been in the same state, their presence would have probably added to my depression.

Let me explain. I love my mom and I know she loves me but I am a disappointment to her. I am first generation college student who was always good at school so my family expected me to go to a university, graduate in four years and get a good paying job right out of college. Let’s just say that did not happen. Instead I moved away from my family after my freshmen year, moved in with a boy, and dropped out of college. My family, especially my mom, likes to bring this up and how I should be done with school and my degree by now. Also my mom doesn’t believe in psychology and psychological disorders. She was raised in Mexico in a very Catholic environment and if you had a problem or any stress, you were to pray to God for help not go to a doctor or therapist. So when I had my mental breakdown, my mom could not understand why it was happening and she didn’t believe I needed therapy and medication. To add to all of this, I was getting texts from my sister, who was still living with my parents, that I needed to stop being selfish and move back home because I am upsetting our mom. Absolutely no support or kind words from her at all, just judgement. Lastly, the main reason my depression would have been worse with my family around…my dad. In another future post that I am going to write I will go into detail about my relationship with my dad. All I need to say now is that he was a compulsive gambler and alcoholic for my entire childhood and life (until recently) and he is a great deal of stress and anxiety in my life. I never told him about my depression or anxiety because he would have made a joke about it and believed that I was just being a “drama queen.” Currently, our relationship has improved slightly but if I spend too much time around him, or see him and my mom interact, my anxiety and stress spikes.

Okay, enough about my family drama. Back to reason I am writing all of this down. I want this page to be where I can write about anything and have a conversation with people about issues like depression, anxiety, family problems, unhealthy relationships. But also have a place to talk about fun things that I love like fantasy books (or just books in general XD), movies, harry potter, supernatural, dungeons and dragons, paranormal, conspiracies, etc. etc! I also want to continue to work on my poetry which has a special place in my heart. I think I covered everything I wanted to cover. I hope someone reads this and wants to come continue a conversation with me that I start. We shall see I guess! Thanks to anyone who is here reading this!


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An Introduction: Hi I’m Stacey, or Aandra

Many people start blogs or youtube channels to get famous and make a lot of money but Mallory and I are not here for any of that. I am sure everyone has heard that before so I don’t expect any of you to believe us. I am only here because there are quite a few things on my mind that I want to put out there and I hope that maybe a few of you can relate. My best friend in the entire world is Mallory or as I call her “Twin.” Mallory and I will make a separate post going into detail about our fucking amazing friendship but for now I will give you some basic points. Mallory and I met at Walmart in Chandler, Arizona back in late 2009. We would talk here and there but we didn’t realize we were soulmates until 2011. From that one random day in the Walmart break room, we have been best friends and constantly together. We would spend as much time together as possible, text/call each other 24/7, and going to ihop almost every night after work. When I moved away from Arizona to Nebraska at the end of the summer of 2012, the hardest thing was leaving my twin. We have still continued our amazing friendship, just long distance now. Once a year we see each other and that’s the best few days ever! There is no sleeping or work. Just twin time!

Starting around July 2015, things were getting very difficult for my twin and me. Both of us were struggling with our lives around this time and just slowly falling into this black hole of despair and depression. Up to this point we would talk to each other every couple of days and share things on facebook or tumblr but when everything started unrevealing in our lives, Mallory and I reconnected like never before. We were there 24/7 to support each other. Every single day starting around late June, early July, we would text constantly, snapchat, skype once a week, and also weekly phone calls. I can truly say that without Mallory and without her support, I would have fallen into my deep sea of depression that I don’t think I would have survived. I know that last statement may seem dramatic or an over exaggeration but not to me. I truly believe that without Mallory and without finally seeking help, I would not be here today. Throughout this blog, I will go more in depth that my depression and the constant anxiety that I have been living with for now 22 years. Mallory, herself will also, talk about her experiences separately on this blog. We are both very similar in so many ways and yet we each have experienced so many things throughout our lives and think so differently that both of our points of views are necessary in this blog. We do want to let whoever is reading this blog know that all of the posts aren’t going to be all about our experiences and the problems we have dealt with but we are also going to talk about creative stuff like fandoms, feminism, body positivity, fan fiction (maybe!) and even some poetry and short stories. This blog is going to be our outlet and we want this blog to be a reflection of our friendship and everything that we normally talk about in our daily conversations.