Posted in blog

My First Tattoo

For the majority of my life, I have battled depression and anxiety. One day I am good, the next I am having a panic attack or I’m hiding away from the world because everything is just too much. I knew I wanted my first tattoo to represent my mental health and a reminder to myself to always focus on the good in my life.

“One More Light” is a reference to my favorite band Linkin Park and one of their songs. Their music has helped me so much during some hard times in my life and it holds a special place in my heart. When I am having a bad day, overwhelmed and depressed, this quote reminds me that there is always one more light in all of the darkness.

In the Mistborn books by Brandon Sanderson, the symbol next to “One More Light” represents the metal Brass that magic users use to soothe someone’s emotions. The reason I wanted that symbol as a tattoo is a reminder to myself to soothe my emotions when my anxiety is flaring up.

Books and music play an important role in my life and mental health so I couldn’t be happy with this tattoo.

Thank you to Sara at Brazen Heart Tattoo for this amazing tattoo amazing.

Posted in Bad Mexican Daughter, blog, life

The Bad Mexican Daughter – Part 4

For this Bad Mexican Daughter post, I don’t have a specific topic to discuss but I just want to talk about my recent experience with my family when I flew down to Arizona at the end of June. So I went back to AZ for my mom’s 50th birthday, she is the member of my family that I am closest to so I felt like I could not miss her birthday this year for any reason. I was excited to spend time with her and celebrate her birthday even though being around my family for 4 days straight with no place to hide is really hard. 

To save money, I decided to stay at my parents’ house instead of booking a hotel room and honestly I think that was a mistake. Just like I always do, let me just say, I love my family but unfortunately, they agitate my anxiety so much. When I am hanging out with them, especially my sister and dad, I just feel completely judged and like an alien. 

Let me explain the alien part. I am VERY different from my family. I love to read, love fantasy/science fiction/superhero movies, rock/metal music and I just don’t always connect with them about their likes. So when I am there and I am just reading or watching a certain show on TV, there is always someone in my family who comments on how weird I am. They like saying how “white” I am and that if I didn’t look like them, they would think I wasn’t part of the family because I am so different. 

I have worked really hard over the years to like and love myself. I have worked hard to not be ashamed of my interests and just who I am in general. Which means that every time I spend a decent amount of time with my family, all of the work I have done on myself seems to go out the window. I find it so difficult to like myself and not be ashamed of myself when I have people constantly telling me how different and strange I am. I know they are not trying to be mean, they are just pointing out the obvious but when I have told them how those comments make me feel and they still continue, I don’t know what else I can do besides just stay away from them. 

My sister is probably the person that says these kinds of comments to me the most and somehow makes me feel the worst about myself. She and I have always been opposites and while growing up, I was the good daughter and she was the troublemaker. Now those roles have reversed in my parents’ eyes because I choose to take care of myself first instead of focusing on the family and moving away. 

Since we couldn’t have a party for our mom this year because of the pandemic, my sister came up with an idea to reach out to our friends and family to submit a happy birthday video message for our mom. I thought that was a brilliant idea and I helped as much as I could. She reached out to the majority of people though because she had access to our mom’s phone book since they live together and I don’t. She had to point out for the entire four days I was there that she did pretty much everything by herself. She also decorated the house for our mom’s birthday, did it while I was out, and then made comments like she did this all because she loves mom so much and that she didn’t get any help. 

I just wonder sometimes if other people feel like aliens in their own family or if it’s just me. Honestly it feels like I am constantly speaking a different language from the rest of my family and I have to try so hard not to let it completely trigger my depression and my anxiety.

Sorry for the long winded rant about this. Hopefully some of you will understand my feelings and thoughts about this. Maybe there are a few of you that even feel like this too. 

Alrighty, have a great day everyone!

Posted in blog, life, Pet

Life Update

Hey everyone! I hope everyone is doing well and you are all safe!

I wanted to do a little life update right now because I haven’t really updated you guys about what is happening in my life for a while. The biggest change which I mentioned only slightly is I moved away from Arizona to Washington State. I have been here for almost two months and wow, am I in love. Honestly I have always wanted to live in the Pacific Northwest and now here I am! The weather is the best part in my opinion. Give me rain and clouds every day and I will be forever happy. 

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you have heard about my dog Wallaby. He is a mini pinscher, chihuahua mix who we adopted almost one year ago. He was unfortunately abused before we adopted him so he has pretty bad anxiety and separation anxiety. When we moved out here to Washington, I was worried that such a change would have upset him but I was pleasantly surprised that Wallaby absolutely loves it up here. He actually has a huge backyard to run around all day and he lives close to his dog cousins (my boyfriend’s family dogs) so he is never alone anymore. The only time he has had an anxiety attack since we moved to Washington was during fourth of July because of all the fireworks. It is so nice to know that Wallaby is happy and feels safe; he is my sweet boy and I just want him to always be happy!

We all are living in a stressful time right now because of the pandemic and social unrest. I know that for me, as someone who has depression and an anxiety disorder, my mental health has been struggling a bit. I like having control over everything, it is just part of my personality but of course, right now there is no way to have any control over what is happening to our world. Because of all of these stressors, my boyfriend and I decided to take a small weekend trip to Leavenworth, Washington. I was pleased that all of the shops and restaurants there required people to wear masks and there were hand sanitizer stations in every shop and throughout the city. It was so nice to go somewhere for a mini vacation to relax and not think about my current unemployment, social unrest, and it was hopeful to see everyone in Leavenworth working together to be safe. 

Leavenworth was a perfect little town that made you feel like you were in a small German town. Every shop and restaurant created this amazing environment that transported you out of the USA to rural Germany. If you ever have a chance to go to Leavenworth, do it! You will not regret it all. 

Posted in Bad Mexican Daughter

The Bad Mexican Daughter – Part 3

Hey everyone! Bad Mexican Daughter is back again! Sorry for the long stretch between the Bad Mexican Daughter posts. Unfortunately because of the current state of the world, I have not been in too much of a writing mood. I have pretty much just been hiding away into book after book. You guys may have noticed all of my book related content lately. Anyways, let this new post begin. 

I have mentioned before how I didn’t grow up in the happiest of homes. There were many great memories and I love my family but I would be lying if I said that I had a happy childhood. It only got worse as I became a teenager because I could finally understand what my parents had been hiding from me and my sister the entire time; my dad’s alcoholism. Well actually, it was my mom keeping it a secret, my dad usually wasn’t there. He was too busy drinking at a bar or a casino to try and hide anything. 

By the time I was a teenager, my sister and I could not stand each other. When I tell people this, they assume it’s typical sibling bickering but no, it was much deeper than that. As I grew up and learned more about who my father was, I did not try and hide my disappointment and frustration with him. I would ignore him or if he forced me to talk to him, I would snap at him. My sister is younger than me and she still didn’t know everything about his problems so what she saw was just a bad daughter being a bitch to her beloved dad. My mom had made me promise not to tell my sister anything about my dad or the drinking problem so I could not explain to her why I was acting that way towards our dad. 

The reason I brought this all up is because this is the main reason I moved away to another state as soon as I was 18 years old. For a long time, I explained it to friends and family that I was moving away because of school but honestly, I just had to get away from my dad. It killed me to leave my mom but I knew that I could not stay near my dad because I could not deal with the lies and the fighting between my parents. Before I was 18, I would do anything I could to stay out of my house all day and sometimes all night. I couldn’t be there. What I know now is that I was doing all of this to protect myself because my anxiety and depression were getting worse the more time I spent near him. 

Moving away, no matter if it was for a reason like the one I had, was not okay in my family. I think my mom understood deep down why I was leaving but everyone else in my extended family saw this move as strange and wrong. Mexican daughters are not supposed to leave their parents’ house until they are married. I had aunts, uncles, and my grandmother telling me all the time how much my parents, especially my mom missed me, how I should come back home because it would be best for my parents, that it’s safer to be at home with them. My dad’s problems were a known secret to the extended family and yet, I was the bad one in the household. How dare I leave my parents before marriage. To this day, I have family members tell me that it is good I moved back to my home state (6 years later, mind you) because my family needed me. 

What frustrates me the most about all of this is that no one in my family (except maybe a cousin or two) seemed to understand the pain I was in when I lived at home. To them, my dad’s problems were just that, his problems. I was labeled the bad mexican daughter by my extended family because moving away was selfish and irresponsible. There could be no possible good reason for a young woman to move away from home, worse to another state.

Now I am 26 years old. I still get comments when my grandmother comes to visit the family that it’s a blessing to have me back in the same state as my parents, although I should really consider moving back with my parents all together. She loves to make me feel guilty, saying things like, “I know how happy your mom is to have you near again, she was so unhappy when you were gone. Your dad too. Good thing you realized the mistakes you made and came back.” 

What only my mom and sister know now is that I plan on moving out of state again in May of this year. I have a great opportunity waiting for me in Washington so my boyfriend, my dog, and I are moving up there. I couldn’t be more excited, I have always wanted to live in Washington. My mom is actually happy for me. I don’t know if it is because she knows I am not running away this time or if it’s because I’m older but she is understanding and happy. My sister was a little passive aggressive when she found out but it was a better reaction than I was expecting honestly. I don’t really care what my extended family thinks about the move and that is why I haven’t told any of them. I still need to tell my dad but with everything going on in this world, I just haven’t had the chance. I know when I call and tell him, he will be upset at me but I’m unfortunately used to it. I will be the bad mexican daughter once again but at this point in my life, I am okay with that. Wish me luck everyone when I finally decide to call my dad with this news, later this week!

Posted in Bad Mexican Daughter, blog, emotions, family, fandom, Insecurities, life, lifestyle

The Bad Mexican Daughter, Part 2: “Family Don’t End With Blood”

Welcome back to The Bad Mexican Daughter. I hope those of you who read the first part of this series not only enjoyed it but also connected to it in someway. I know that for me, as I was writing part 1, I felt a major sense of relief. Those were thoughts I have had for years, thoughts that had haunted and taunted me. It felt good to be able to express myself freely for the first time. Not holding back at all. 

So I want to continue that feeling. Here is The Bad Mexican Daughter, Part 2: “Family Don’t End With Blood”

“Family Don’t End With Blood” has become a very important part of my life and how I see the world. For those of you who do not recognize that signing, don’t worry I will explain its origin and for those that do know this quote, let’s be friends! Anyways, this quote was said by a character in the TV show, Supernatural (one of my favorite shows of all time). He is yelling this quote to the two main characters, explaining that even though they are not blood related, they are family. 

This statement has always held a very special place in my heart. I have always been that individual that felt more comfortable, more understood with people outside of my family than with those that I share blood with. That is a very un-Mexican thing to think. My parents, especially my mom always argued with me because I didn’t like going to family parties. That feeling started at a young age, probably 8-9. I just knew that I didn’t fit in with my cousins, that I didn’t want to play or dance with my family. My mom would just say that I was misbehaving and she would force me to go to family events. 

Let me explain one thing very quickly. I came from a typical Mexican family, meaning LARGE family. Both of my parents had several siblings and cousins and those individual’s all had 2-6 kids so I have A LOT of cousins. And unfortunately for me, I have only ever truly connected with 3 of those cousins. My extended family loves parties, loud music, dancing, drinking, etc. That is not my scene at all so during these events I would find the farthest corner away from everyone with my close 2-3 cousins, if they were there, and just tried to ignore everything around me. Those events always made me anxious and uncomfortable, yet I still had to go. 

Lucky for me, once I got into high school, started honor classes and joining clubs, I had several excuses to miss those parties. Eventually the only time I would see my extended family was at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Even then, I would leave early to spend time with friends or my boyfriend at the time. 

The older I got, the more certain I was that my “family” wasn’t only those related to me by blood. When I say this, I want to make sure that everyone understands that I am not saying that my blood family isn’t my family anymore. But those who I have chosen to be my new family are just as important and precious to me as the others. Family should be those who you want in your life, to share important moments with, the people who understand you. For me, the majority of those individuals are not blood relatives and that is okay. 

Sometimes, I feel bad feeling this way. Mexican culture is very strongly connected to family. Family is the most important thing in the world, next to God. I was told this my entire life. So when I say that the family I have chosen isn’t those blood related to me, its almost like a slap in the face to my blood-related family. But I believe we all have the right to feel comfortable and safe with those we call family and that is why I can’t call all of my blood relatives my true family. 

When I was younger, I figured these thoughts and feelings would go away but they only intensified. Now as a 26 year old woman, I can understand that these thoughts, these feelings are perfectly okay and this acceptance all started with that quote from Supernatural, “Family Don’t End With Blood.” If you feel closer and safer with people who are not blood relatives, that is okay. If you want to spend time with your new family more than your blood relatives, that is okay. Life is too short to continually put yourself in situations where we feel uncomfortable and strange.

Posted in Bad Mexican Daughter, blog, family, life

The Bad Mexican Daughter – Part 1

Ever since I can remember, I have always said that I am a bad Mexican daughter or in general just a bad Mexican. My entire family is Mexican, both of my parents were born in Chihuahua, Mexico, moved to the US in the 90s, and later had me and my sister. Growing up in California, I was surrounded by Mexican culture; the music, food, people, religion, traditions. All of it. So you would think I should be good at being Mexican but you would be wrong. These next set of posts will example how I am a bad Mexican. 

Quick disclaimer, if you find that you are like me and would be considered untraditional in your culture, that is completely okay. I have come to terms with being different from my family and it doesn’t mean we love each other any less. They like to give me a hard time about the way that I am but oh well, that just means I need to return the snarkiness right back to them. Be who you are and do not be ashamed of that person because that person is great. 

Now onto probably the biggest reason I consider myself a bad Mexican, I am too “white” or at least that’s what several family members and friends have said. 

Let’s start with the first example of how I am a bad Mexican or too white…I suck at speaking Spanish. Spanish was actually my first language with English being taught to me here and there. I went to a bilingual preschool and that is where English became the main focus. As I grew up, I would only speak Spanish with my family because there was no need for me to speak it at school. When I would go visit family visit in Mexico as a teen, my relatives would tease me about my “bad” Spanish which was becoming more “Spanglish” every year. Then when I was 18, I moved away to Nebraska and I really didn’t speak any Spanish there at all! Only time I got to practice my Spanish was on my weekly calls to my mom back in Arizona. Once I moved back to Arizona in 2018, my Spanish was just terrible. My family gives me crap about it constantly to this day.

Second example: Being a nerd, liking rock/metal, and liking the foods I like makes me too white. So I have a big family, a lot of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc and on top of that I have had many Latinx friends and let me tell you, it is really hard to find people with the same interests as me. Like I said before, I am a huge nerd, whether it’s fantasy, sci-fi, anime, those are my things. Being a nerd is not a very Mexican thing and my family has never understood where my love for these things came from. Plus when I was younger, my parents would try and deter me away from things like Harry Potter and video games because they didn’t like them. It was always strange to my family when I would choose to skip a family party to stay home and read or watch something nerdy. They believed I should enjoy going to family parties, dancing, being around people but that just isn’t me. Besides my love for nerdy things, I also love rock and metal music way more than what my family likes, which is country and latino music. I can appreciate those styles of music but it’s just not my preference at all. I remember when I discovered bands like Linkin Park and Disturbed, my mom was upset and believed it was the devil’s music which was making me different from the family. I think my family just never understood the beauty behind this kind of music because they just focus on the aggressive guitar/drums and “screaming” vocals and not on the lyrics. Lastly, to many I am too white because I prefer foods like steak and sushi and prefer drinks like whiskey and craft beers. These items to people in my family, at least, would be considered “white people food.” I never understood why what it liked to eat mattered so much, especially because I enjoy Mexican food too, just not as much as the others I mentioned. Yet, my family likes to bring it up to me and comment on it. 

These are just a quick overview of things that make me seem too white to my family and adds to be being a bad Mexican. I know these few examples are not major traits to me, they are just simple parts of who I am but when you are like me and are so different from those in your family, these little traits are always criticized and mentioned.

This is just part 1 of The Bad Mexican Daughter series. Later I will focus on other traits and beliefs like religion that makes me different. Please come back and if you have a question or comment, feel free to send me a message!

Posted in blog, Dog, lifestyle, Pet, Separation Anxiety

Wallaby, the Anxious Dog

In August, my boyfriend and I adopted a beautiful, sweet dog named Wallaby. The humane society said he was a chihuahua/australian cattle dog mix but honestly I think he is more of a mini pinscher than a cattle dog! Pretty quickly we realized that Wallaby suffered from separation anxiety. Having a dog with social anxiety and separation anxiety can be tough. Knowing that you have to leave your dog alone when going to work, school, etc can be rough when you know they have these problems. For me, not only do I feel guilty leaving him alone when I know he is upset, I also get upset thinking about what he might have gone through before we adopted him. We know a little about his past before us and when we adopted him, Wallaby had just recovered from a broken jaw. Whoever abandoned him had most likely broken his poor jaw. Literally writing that just made me start tearing up. He is the sweetest boy in the world who loves his humans more than anything and to think he suffered like that, crushes my heart.

Over the last 6 months, we have observed several triggers that will scare him. Some are obvious; loud sounds, crashing sounds, fireworks. Others are a little more random, like if I even touch a broom or mop, he instantly cowards and hides. Also if a strange man comes close to him, he will start to shake, cry, and bark. Luckily, the more time we take him out to meet people and other dogs, the more confident he is getting and the fears that he had are slowly disappearing. 

During the first visit with his vet after the adoption, we explained to the vet all the behaviors that Wallaby had whenever he realized we were leaving. As soon as he sees us get our keys or even put socks on, he will start to shake pretty severely, then comes the jumping. He will jump on us hoping we will stay or at least take him with us. He will start nibbling at our hands and clothing as well. At this point, we usually notice that he is aroused, which is apparently common for dogs with separation anxiety. The worst thing that happened because of his anxiety was severe damage to our bedroom door. He had started scratching underneath the door in order to try and reach us so every time we would get home, wood and paint chips would be everywhere! 

The vet made us feel better about this situation, she suggested several techniques and ideas to help with his anxiety. The main one was CBD. I had heard that it could help humans with anxiety but I had no idea it would work for dogs as well! She also suggested reading a book called Decoding Your Dog: Explaining Common Dog Behaviors and How to Prevent or Change Unwanted Ones by American College of Veterinary Behaviorists. I am so glad she suggested that book because it gave some many tricks and ideas to help a dog with this condition. We bought him so CBD oil and give it to him in the mornings and an hour before we leave him alone. It was been a miracle worker. We also started working on some techniques that were mentioned in the book suggested by the vet. 

We will have had Wallaby for 7 months come January 6th. Wallaby still suffers from separation anxiety but it’s nowhere as severe as it was when he first got him. He has stopped damaging the bedroom door and the shaking has calmed down. He still jumps on us when he knows we are leaving but as soon as we get him to sit and say settle to him, he calms down. Since we have been taking out to interact with people and other dogs to places like PetSmart and dog parks, he has come out of his shell and enjoys getting attention from strangers and meeting dogs. 

Wallaby’s anxiety will probably always be a problem but at this point with the CBD oil and techniques we have implemented, his anxiety is manageable. If your dog has anxiety, social or separation, I highly recommend talking to your vet about CBD and reading the book, Decoding Your Dog. Knowing he is getting better has been such a relief for us and him too.

CBD oil we use: https://hempbombs.com/product/pet-cbd-oil-125mg/

Book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0544334604/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_fLuaEbPRAY3XH

Posted in blog, emotions, family, fandom, friendship, geek, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, music, nerd, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

To anyone that might read this

Hi my name is Stacey and thank you for visiting my blog. I started this blog years ago when I was going through the worst depression I have ever experienced and needed a safe place to express my emotions, my thoughts. My depression back in 2015 was no joke, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t function as a human being. I had to go on leave from work for six months and was going to therapy, at first five times a week, with a psychologist and a counselor. I had no real support in my life which made everything ten times tougher. I was in a loveless, harmful relationship with a guy that believed his problems were the only problems that mattered. My family lived in another state which sucked but honestly even if they had been in the same state, their presence would have probably added to my depression.

Let me explain. I love my mom and I know she loves me but I am a disappointment to her. I am first generation college student who was always good at school so my family expected me to go to a university, graduate in four years and get a good paying job right out of college. Let’s just say that did not happen. Instead I moved away from my family after my freshmen year, moved in with a boy, and dropped out of college. My family, especially my mom, likes to bring this up and how I should be done with school and my degree by now. Also my mom doesn’t believe in psychology and psychological disorders. She was raised in Mexico in a very Catholic environment and if you had a problem or any stress, you were to pray to God for help not go to a doctor or therapist. So when I had my mental breakdown, my mom could not understand why it was happening and she didn’t believe I needed therapy and medication. To add to all of this, I was getting texts from my sister, who was still living with my parents, that I needed to stop being selfish and move back home because I am upsetting our mom. Absolutely no support or kind words from her at all, just judgement. Lastly, the main reason my depression would have been worse with my family around…my dad. In another future post that I am going to write I will go into detail about my relationship with my dad. All I need to say now is that he was a compulsive gambler and alcoholic for my entire childhood and life (until recently) and he is a great deal of stress and anxiety in my life. I never told him about my depression or anxiety because he would have made a joke about it and believed that I was just being a “drama queen.” Currently, our relationship has improved slightly but if I spend too much time around him, or see him and my mom interact, my anxiety and stress spikes.

Okay, enough about my family drama. Back to reason I am writing all of this down. I want this page to be where I can write about anything and have a conversation with people about issues like depression, anxiety, family problems, unhealthy relationships. But also have a place to talk about fun things that I love like fantasy books (or just books in general XD), movies, harry potter, supernatural, dungeons and dragons, paranormal, conspiracies, etc. etc! I also want to continue to work on my poetry which has a special place in my heart. I think I covered everything I wanted to cover. I hope someone reads this and wants to come continue a conversation with me that I start. We shall see I guess! Thanks to anyone who is here reading this!

-Stacey

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, mourning, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

Untitled

Been thinking of you lately 

All of our memories, 

our goals and dreams 

Images flood my mind 

The strangest things remind of me you 

The holidays always make me reflect 

On life, on my choices, my goals 

Before you were included in my life, choices, goals

Now you don’t fit into the equation

Around me I see happiness, a future 

I see my dreams coming true

A smile on my face more and more 

Then I remember you and the past 

You were my biggest cheerleader, 

My best friend 

But you choose to be hostile, to change and 

not be willing to change together 

So now I’m happy 

But without you

it seems weird 

I know it’s just weird now 

This is all new to me, of course it’s weird 

Soon I’ll still be happy

But without the weirdness  

because eventually this weirdness will disappear

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, mourning, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

This is the end

Today 

I lost you 

For a long time I denied it 

I was in denial 

But today I lost you 

 

You and I were broken

Damaged 

Alone 

But you and I were twins at the end of the day

 

Together we suffered 

Together we survived 

Together we conquered

Because we were twins 

 

When we were down, we had each other 

When we were up, we celebrated together

When we cried, we cried together

When we needed support, we supported each other 

 

Now we scowl, bark, bicker

Now we judge, criticize, disdain

 

Do you miss us?

I know I do

 

Losing you has hurt me more than I imagined 

Losing you has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to face

This loss will take a long time to recover 

But I will recover

I will move on, 

I will be happy