Posted in blog

My First Tattoo

For the majority of my life, I have battled depression and anxiety. One day I am good, the next I am having a panic attack or I’m hiding away from the world because everything is just too much. I knew I wanted my first tattoo to represent my mental health and a reminder to myself to always focus on the good in my life.

“One More Light” is a reference to my favorite band Linkin Park and one of their songs. Their music has helped me so much during some hard times in my life and it holds a special place in my heart. When I am having a bad day, overwhelmed and depressed, this quote reminds me that there is always one more light in all of the darkness.

In the Mistborn books by Brandon Sanderson, the symbol next to “One More Light” represents the metal Brass that magic users use to soothe someone’s emotions. The reason I wanted that symbol as a tattoo is a reminder to myself to soothe my emotions when my anxiety is flaring up.

Books and music play an important role in my life and mental health so I couldn’t be happy with this tattoo.

Thank you to Sara at Brazen Heart Tattoo for this amazing tattoo amazing.

Posted in Bad Mexican Daughter, blog, family, life

The Bad Mexican Daughter – Part 1

Ever since I can remember, I have always said that I am a bad Mexican daughter or in general just a bad Mexican. My entire family is Mexican, both of my parents were born in Chihuahua, Mexico, moved to the US in the 90s, and later had me and my sister. Growing up in California, I was surrounded by Mexican culture; the music, food, people, religion, traditions. All of it. So you would think I should be good at being Mexican but you would be wrong. These next set of posts will example how I am a bad Mexican. 

Quick disclaimer, if you find that you are like me and would be considered untraditional in your culture, that is completely okay. I have come to terms with being different from my family and it doesn’t mean we love each other any less. They like to give me a hard time about the way that I am but oh well, that just means I need to return the snarkiness right back to them. Be who you are and do not be ashamed of that person because that person is great. 

Now onto probably the biggest reason I consider myself a bad Mexican, I am too “white” or at least that’s what several family members and friends have said. 

Let’s start with the first example of how I am a bad Mexican or too white…I suck at speaking Spanish. Spanish was actually my first language with English being taught to me here and there. I went to a bilingual preschool and that is where English became the main focus. As I grew up, I would only speak Spanish with my family because there was no need for me to speak it at school. When I would go visit family visit in Mexico as a teen, my relatives would tease me about my “bad” Spanish which was becoming more “Spanglish” every year. Then when I was 18, I moved away to Nebraska and I really didn’t speak any Spanish there at all! Only time I got to practice my Spanish was on my weekly calls to my mom back in Arizona. Once I moved back to Arizona in 2018, my Spanish was just terrible. My family gives me crap about it constantly to this day.

Second example: Being a nerd, liking rock/metal, and liking the foods I like makes me too white. So I have a big family, a lot of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc and on top of that I have had many Latinx friends and let me tell you, it is really hard to find people with the same interests as me. Like I said before, I am a huge nerd, whether it’s fantasy, sci-fi, anime, those are my things. Being a nerd is not a very Mexican thing and my family has never understood where my love for these things came from. Plus when I was younger, my parents would try and deter me away from things like Harry Potter and video games because they didn’t like them. It was always strange to my family when I would choose to skip a family party to stay home and read or watch something nerdy. They believed I should enjoy going to family parties, dancing, being around people but that just isn’t me. Besides my love for nerdy things, I also love rock and metal music way more than what my family likes, which is country and latino music. I can appreciate those styles of music but it’s just not my preference at all. I remember when I discovered bands like Linkin Park and Disturbed, my mom was upset and believed it was the devil’s music which was making me different from the family. I think my family just never understood the beauty behind this kind of music because they just focus on the aggressive guitar/drums and “screaming” vocals and not on the lyrics. Lastly, to many I am too white because I prefer foods like steak and sushi and prefer drinks like whiskey and craft beers. These items to people in my family, at least, would be considered “white people food.” I never understood why what it liked to eat mattered so much, especially because I enjoy Mexican food too, just not as much as the others I mentioned. Yet, my family likes to bring it up to me and comment on it. 

These are just a quick overview of things that make me seem too white to my family and adds to be being a bad Mexican. I know these few examples are not major traits to me, they are just simple parts of who I am but when you are like me and are so different from those in your family, these little traits are always criticized and mentioned.

This is just part 1 of The Bad Mexican Daughter series. Later I will focus on other traits and beliefs like religion that makes me different. Please come back and if you have a question or comment, feel free to send me a message!

Posted in blog, emotions, family, fandom, friendship, geek, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, music, nerd, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

To anyone that might read this

Hi my name is Stacey and thank you for visiting my blog. I started this blog years ago when I was going through the worst depression I have ever experienced and needed a safe place to express my emotions, my thoughts. My depression back in 2015 was no joke, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t function as a human being. I had to go on leave from work for six months and was going to therapy, at first five times a week, with a psychologist and a counselor. I had no real support in my life which made everything ten times tougher. I was in a loveless, harmful relationship with a guy that believed his problems were the only problems that mattered. My family lived in another state which sucked but honestly even if they had been in the same state, their presence would have probably added to my depression.

Let me explain. I love my mom and I know she loves me but I am a disappointment to her. I am first generation college student who was always good at school so my family expected me to go to a university, graduate in four years and get a good paying job right out of college. Let’s just say that did not happen. Instead I moved away from my family after my freshmen year, moved in with a boy, and dropped out of college. My family, especially my mom, likes to bring this up and how I should be done with school and my degree by now. Also my mom doesn’t believe in psychology and psychological disorders. She was raised in Mexico in a very Catholic environment and if you had a problem or any stress, you were to pray to God for help not go to a doctor or therapist. So when I had my mental breakdown, my mom could not understand why it was happening and she didn’t believe I needed therapy and medication. To add to all of this, I was getting texts from my sister, who was still living with my parents, that I needed to stop being selfish and move back home because I am upsetting our mom. Absolutely no support or kind words from her at all, just judgement. Lastly, the main reason my depression would have been worse with my family around…my dad. In another future post that I am going to write I will go into detail about my relationship with my dad. All I need to say now is that he was a compulsive gambler and alcoholic for my entire childhood and life (until recently) and he is a great deal of stress and anxiety in my life. I never told him about my depression or anxiety because he would have made a joke about it and believed that I was just being a “drama queen.” Currently, our relationship has improved slightly but if I spend too much time around him, or see him and my mom interact, my anxiety and stress spikes.

Okay, enough about my family drama. Back to reason I am writing all of this down. I want this page to be where I can write about anything and have a conversation with people about issues like depression, anxiety, family problems, unhealthy relationships. But also have a place to talk about fun things that I love like fantasy books (or just books in general XD), movies, harry potter, supernatural, dungeons and dragons, paranormal, conspiracies, etc. etc! I also want to continue to work on my poetry which has a special place in my heart. I think I covered everything I wanted to cover. I hope someone reads this and wants to come continue a conversation with me that I start. We shall see I guess! Thanks to anyone who is here reading this!

-Stacey

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, mourning, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

Untitled

Been thinking of you lately 

All of our memories, 

our goals and dreams 

Images flood my mind 

The strangest things remind of me you 

The holidays always make me reflect 

On life, on my choices, my goals 

Before you were included in my life, choices, goals

Now you don’t fit into the equation

Around me I see happiness, a future 

I see my dreams coming true

A smile on my face more and more 

Then I remember you and the past 

You were my biggest cheerleader, 

My best friend 

But you choose to be hostile, to change and 

not be willing to change together 

So now I’m happy 

But without you

it seems weird 

I know it’s just weird now 

This is all new to me, of course it’s weird 

Soon I’ll still be happy

But without the weirdness  

because eventually this weirdness will disappear

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, mourning, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

This is the end

Today 

I lost you 

For a long time I denied it 

I was in denial 

But today I lost you 

 

You and I were broken

Damaged 

Alone 

But you and I were twins at the end of the day

 

Together we suffered 

Together we survived 

Together we conquered

Because we were twins 

 

When we were down, we had each other 

When we were up, we celebrated together

When we cried, we cried together

When we needed support, we supported each other 

 

Now we scowl, bark, bicker

Now we judge, criticize, disdain

 

Do you miss us?

I know I do

 

Losing you has hurt me more than I imagined 

Losing you has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to face

This loss will take a long time to recover 

But I will recover

I will move on, 

I will be happy

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, life, lifestyle, love, nerd, relationship, Uncategorized

Friendships Change

Letting go of a 10+ year friendship is never an easy thing. Hell, even letting go any friendship is really hard. These friendships might have been what you needed to heal and grow at one point of your life but things change. People change.

I have had someone in my life for years and for the longest time, it was like we were twins. Of course, we had different personalities and ways of thinking but in general we were very much alike. From obsessing over Harry Potter and Supernatural to both of us having serious family drama. We could relate to each other so well that we could just look at each other and know what the other one was feeling. I’ll admit, it probably hasn’t the healthiest friendship around. I think we were very dependent on one another and that was probably not the best idea.

As the years have gone by, we have both changed and matured quite a bit. Both of us have been through some serious trauma since we met back in 2010 and both of us are still trying to heal. The main issue now though we can’t relate to each other anymore. My friend was always very political and strong minded, which I have always admired, but after spending time in the Midwest and expressing different cultures/lifestyles, we have come to see the world very differently. She will hate on something that she loved last year just because of one bad article without looking into the accusations more. She judges people’s desire to be in a relationship because she sees it as unnecessary and a waste of time. She is quick to criticize your behavior as unhealthy even though she does some unhealthy things as well.

I am not saying all of this about her to make you think I am better than her. Quite the opposite, she has been very successful in her career and school. She has healed a lot through therapy. I am extremely proud of her and everything she has accomplished. I just wish she would acknowledge those things about me rather than judge me for the way I live my life and what I want to achieve. I know I have a lot of growth in me still, I just wish the person who I have considered my best friend for so long would see that without criticizing me. I wish I could still talk to her about anything like before and get advice, get help instead of judgmental comments and looks.

I am happy that she has found others in her life to rely on and communicate with. I am happy she is achieving her goals and dreams. At this point in our friendship, I have to accept that we can’t depend on each other anymore and we have others in our lives that we are closer to. I always thought she would be my maid of honor at my wedding but now I am sure she won’t be. If I can’t be completely comfortable and safe with her, I can’t consider her a best friend or my twin anymore. It breaks my heart but we are just different people now, with different ways of thinking.

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, Uncategorized

A regret from my past

Over the last several years my confidence has definitely grown and improved. I remember being a young teenager, looking in the mirror and hating everything about myself. My weight, my skin color, hair, teeth, even eye color. There was nothing about myself that I loved but I became very good at hiding this pain. My smile was my greatest mask. I realized that if I had a smile on my face, people would believe I was confident. Now as I have gone up, I know I was not alone in hating myself as a teenager but honestly I don’t remember any of my friends ever talking about that so I just assumed they liked themselves and that was it. I have always been the chubby friend honestly and now I am okay with that. Back then, damn it was hard. Going shopping with my friends was the worst because they would want to go to all these stores that only had sizes 0-12 and I was a size 16 back time which now I would honestly love to be size 16! Either way, going shopping with them always made me very uncomfortable and depressed because I knew I wouldn’t be able to find something that fit me and I would just have to stand there while they enjoyed themselves and found cute outfits. My friends never teased me about my weight or my appearance if anything they always told me how pretty I was or that I looked nice. When they would compliment me, my anxiety and own issues made me think that they were just lying to me to be nice. Taking pictures with my friends was something that didn’t happen often. I have a lot of pictures that I took of my friends but very few pictures have me in them. I would avoid a camera like the plague or I would volunteer to be the one to take the pictures. I hated my picture being taken and even today, I have a problem with it. All of my insecurities come out when I see myself in a picture. “Oh my god, why am I so fat? Ugh, my smile looks stupid, my hair looks bad.” All of this and more would go through my head so I just avoided those situations. I regret this behavior now. I wish I had more pictures of myself from junior high, high school. I do have a lot of fun and amazing memories from that time in my life but unfortunately because of my low self-confidence and hatred of myself I don’t have many pictures to look back on. That will always be one of my greatest regrets from my adolescent years. Don’t let that negative voice in your head stop you from living your life to the fullest. Don’t let insecurities ruin your present but you might regret in the future that you did this. 

Posted in blog, emotions, life, lifestyle, love, Uncategorized

Late Night Thought

I don’t like the way I am most of the time. I mean I like myself but I always hate how I act and react to certain situations. Things that should be simple are turned into massive problems. Things that are extreme issues are ignored and disregarded. I should just be comfortable by now to express myself and my concerns but sometimes I think that will never happen. I’ll never be completely comfortable enough to fully express myself. If I were to do that, I would probably be called a bitch or stupid for feeling these things. I know that’s not true for everyone in my life. There are those who welcome my truth and want to know my thoughts but others who supposably know me have no interest in finding out what is actually happening in my life. Change is coming and change is scary. But change is also a good thing, a necessary thing. Whether that’s starting a new job. Trying a new workout routine. Or cutting out someone that is unhelpful and uncaring. The people around you who will accept you and your changes are those who should stay, not those who will judge you with their tone, with their disapproving look. Find those who support you. Find those that have encourage you.

Posted in emotions, friendship, lifestyle, love, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

Unknown Game

Silence speaks loudly to me
This distance draws me closely
The unknown kills
While the known changes to fiction

Everything happens for a reason
But the reason is unclear
And when the silence speaks louder than words
This game is painful
No enjoy remains

I may appear weak
Fragile
I swear I am not
Honesty is all I seek

The silence kills me
The unknown cripples me
Be honest
Free me of this constant torture