Posted in Bad Mexican Daughter, blog, life

The Bad Mexican Daughter – Part 4

For this Bad Mexican Daughter post, I don’t have a specific topic to discuss but I just want to talk about my recent experience with my family when I flew down to Arizona at the end of June. So I went back to AZ for my mom’s 50th birthday, she is the member of my family that I am closest to so I felt like I could not miss her birthday this year for any reason. I was excited to spend time with her and celebrate her birthday even though being around my family for 4 days straight with no place to hide is really hard. 

To save money, I decided to stay at my parents’ house instead of booking a hotel room and honestly I think that was a mistake. Just like I always do, let me just say, I love my family but unfortunately, they agitate my anxiety so much. When I am hanging out with them, especially my sister and dad, I just feel completely judged and like an alien. 

Let me explain the alien part. I am VERY different from my family. I love to read, love fantasy/science fiction/superhero movies, rock/metal music and I just don’t always connect with them about their likes. So when I am there and I am just reading or watching a certain show on TV, there is always someone in my family who comments on how weird I am. They like saying how “white” I am and that if I didn’t look like them, they would think I wasn’t part of the family because I am so different. 

I have worked really hard over the years to like and love myself. I have worked hard to not be ashamed of my interests and just who I am in general. Which means that every time I spend a decent amount of time with my family, all of the work I have done on myself seems to go out the window. I find it so difficult to like myself and not be ashamed of myself when I have people constantly telling me how different and strange I am. I know they are not trying to be mean, they are just pointing out the obvious but when I have told them how those comments make me feel and they still continue, I don’t know what else I can do besides just stay away from them. 

My sister is probably the person that says these kinds of comments to me the most and somehow makes me feel the worst about myself. She and I have always been opposites and while growing up, I was the good daughter and she was the troublemaker. Now those roles have reversed in my parents’ eyes because I choose to take care of myself first instead of focusing on the family and moving away. 

Since we couldn’t have a party for our mom this year because of the pandemic, my sister came up with an idea to reach out to our friends and family to submit a happy birthday video message for our mom. I thought that was a brilliant idea and I helped as much as I could. She reached out to the majority of people though because she had access to our mom’s phone book since they live together and I don’t. She had to point out for the entire four days I was there that she did pretty much everything by herself. She also decorated the house for our mom’s birthday, did it while I was out, and then made comments like she did this all because she loves mom so much and that she didn’t get any help. 

I just wonder sometimes if other people feel like aliens in their own family or if it’s just me. Honestly it feels like I am constantly speaking a different language from the rest of my family and I have to try so hard not to let it completely trigger my depression and my anxiety.

Sorry for the long winded rant about this. Hopefully some of you will understand my feelings and thoughts about this. Maybe there are a few of you that even feel like this too. 

Alrighty, have a great day everyone!

Posted in Bad Mexican Daughter, blog, emotions, family, fandom, Insecurities, life, lifestyle

The Bad Mexican Daughter, Part 2: “Family Don’t End With Blood”

Welcome back to The Bad Mexican Daughter. I hope those of you who read the first part of this series not only enjoyed it but also connected to it in someway. I know that for me, as I was writing part 1, I felt a major sense of relief. Those were thoughts I have had for years, thoughts that had haunted and taunted me. It felt good to be able to express myself freely for the first time. Not holding back at all. 

So I want to continue that feeling. Here is The Bad Mexican Daughter, Part 2: “Family Don’t End With Blood”

“Family Don’t End With Blood” has become a very important part of my life and how I see the world. For those of you who do not recognize that signing, don’t worry I will explain its origin and for those that do know this quote, let’s be friends! Anyways, this quote was said by a character in the TV show, Supernatural (one of my favorite shows of all time). He is yelling this quote to the two main characters, explaining that even though they are not blood related, they are family. 

This statement has always held a very special place in my heart. I have always been that individual that felt more comfortable, more understood with people outside of my family than with those that I share blood with. That is a very un-Mexican thing to think. My parents, especially my mom always argued with me because I didn’t like going to family parties. That feeling started at a young age, probably 8-9. I just knew that I didn’t fit in with my cousins, that I didn’t want to play or dance with my family. My mom would just say that I was misbehaving and she would force me to go to family events. 

Let me explain one thing very quickly. I came from a typical Mexican family, meaning LARGE family. Both of my parents had several siblings and cousins and those individual’s all had 2-6 kids so I have A LOT of cousins. And unfortunately for me, I have only ever truly connected with 3 of those cousins. My extended family loves parties, loud music, dancing, drinking, etc. That is not my scene at all so during these events I would find the farthest corner away from everyone with my close 2-3 cousins, if they were there, and just tried to ignore everything around me. Those events always made me anxious and uncomfortable, yet I still had to go. 

Lucky for me, once I got into high school, started honor classes and joining clubs, I had several excuses to miss those parties. Eventually the only time I would see my extended family was at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Even then, I would leave early to spend time with friends or my boyfriend at the time. 

The older I got, the more certain I was that my “family” wasn’t only those related to me by blood. When I say this, I want to make sure that everyone understands that I am not saying that my blood family isn’t my family anymore. But those who I have chosen to be my new family are just as important and precious to me as the others. Family should be those who you want in your life, to share important moments with, the people who understand you. For me, the majority of those individuals are not blood relatives and that is okay. 

Sometimes, I feel bad feeling this way. Mexican culture is very strongly connected to family. Family is the most important thing in the world, next to God. I was told this my entire life. So when I say that the family I have chosen isn’t those blood related to me, its almost like a slap in the face to my blood-related family. But I believe we all have the right to feel comfortable and safe with those we call family and that is why I can’t call all of my blood relatives my true family. 

When I was younger, I figured these thoughts and feelings would go away but they only intensified. Now as a 26 year old woman, I can understand that these thoughts, these feelings are perfectly okay and this acceptance all started with that quote from Supernatural, “Family Don’t End With Blood.” If you feel closer and safer with people who are not blood relatives, that is okay. If you want to spend time with your new family more than your blood relatives, that is okay. Life is too short to continually put yourself in situations where we feel uncomfortable and strange.

Posted in Bad Mexican Daughter, blog, family, life

The Bad Mexican Daughter – Part 1

Ever since I can remember, I have always said that I am a bad Mexican daughter or in general just a bad Mexican. My entire family is Mexican, both of my parents were born in Chihuahua, Mexico, moved to the US in the 90s, and later had me and my sister. Growing up in California, I was surrounded by Mexican culture; the music, food, people, religion, traditions. All of it. So you would think I should be good at being Mexican but you would be wrong. These next set of posts will example how I am a bad Mexican. 

Quick disclaimer, if you find that you are like me and would be considered untraditional in your culture, that is completely okay. I have come to terms with being different from my family and it doesn’t mean we love each other any less. They like to give me a hard time about the way that I am but oh well, that just means I need to return the snarkiness right back to them. Be who you are and do not be ashamed of that person because that person is great. 

Now onto probably the biggest reason I consider myself a bad Mexican, I am too “white” or at least that’s what several family members and friends have said. 

Let’s start with the first example of how I am a bad Mexican or too white…I suck at speaking Spanish. Spanish was actually my first language with English being taught to me here and there. I went to a bilingual preschool and that is where English became the main focus. As I grew up, I would only speak Spanish with my family because there was no need for me to speak it at school. When I would go visit family visit in Mexico as a teen, my relatives would tease me about my “bad” Spanish which was becoming more “Spanglish” every year. Then when I was 18, I moved away to Nebraska and I really didn’t speak any Spanish there at all! Only time I got to practice my Spanish was on my weekly calls to my mom back in Arizona. Once I moved back to Arizona in 2018, my Spanish was just terrible. My family gives me crap about it constantly to this day.

Second example: Being a nerd, liking rock/metal, and liking the foods I like makes me too white. So I have a big family, a lot of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc and on top of that I have had many Latinx friends and let me tell you, it is really hard to find people with the same interests as me. Like I said before, I am a huge nerd, whether it’s fantasy, sci-fi, anime, those are my things. Being a nerd is not a very Mexican thing and my family has never understood where my love for these things came from. Plus when I was younger, my parents would try and deter me away from things like Harry Potter and video games because they didn’t like them. It was always strange to my family when I would choose to skip a family party to stay home and read or watch something nerdy. They believed I should enjoy going to family parties, dancing, being around people but that just isn’t me. Besides my love for nerdy things, I also love rock and metal music way more than what my family likes, which is country and latino music. I can appreciate those styles of music but it’s just not my preference at all. I remember when I discovered bands like Linkin Park and Disturbed, my mom was upset and believed it was the devil’s music which was making me different from the family. I think my family just never understood the beauty behind this kind of music because they just focus on the aggressive guitar/drums and “screaming” vocals and not on the lyrics. Lastly, to many I am too white because I prefer foods like steak and sushi and prefer drinks like whiskey and craft beers. These items to people in my family, at least, would be considered “white people food.” I never understood why what it liked to eat mattered so much, especially because I enjoy Mexican food too, just not as much as the others I mentioned. Yet, my family likes to bring it up to me and comment on it. 

These are just a quick overview of things that make me seem too white to my family and adds to be being a bad Mexican. I know these few examples are not major traits to me, they are just simple parts of who I am but when you are like me and are so different from those in your family, these little traits are always criticized and mentioned.

This is just part 1 of The Bad Mexican Daughter series. Later I will focus on other traits and beliefs like religion that makes me different. Please come back and if you have a question or comment, feel free to send me a message!