Posted in Bad Mexican Daughter

The Bad Mexican Daughter – Part 3

Hey everyone! Bad Mexican Daughter is back again! Sorry for the long stretch between the Bad Mexican Daughter posts. Unfortunately because of the current state of the world, I have not been in too much of a writing mood. I have pretty much just been hiding away into book after book. You guys may have noticed all of my book related content lately. Anyways, let this new post begin. 

I have mentioned before how I didn’t grow up in the happiest of homes. There were many great memories and I love my family but I would be lying if I said that I had a happy childhood. It only got worse as I became a teenager because I could finally understand what my parents had been hiding from me and my sister the entire time; my dad’s alcoholism. Well actually, it was my mom keeping it a secret, my dad usually wasn’t there. He was too busy drinking at a bar or a casino to try and hide anything. 

By the time I was a teenager, my sister and I could not stand each other. When I tell people this, they assume it’s typical sibling bickering but no, it was much deeper than that. As I grew up and learned more about who my father was, I did not try and hide my disappointment and frustration with him. I would ignore him or if he forced me to talk to him, I would snap at him. My sister is younger than me and she still didn’t know everything about his problems so what she saw was just a bad daughter being a bitch to her beloved dad. My mom had made me promise not to tell my sister anything about my dad or the drinking problem so I could not explain to her why I was acting that way towards our dad. 

The reason I brought this all up is because this is the main reason I moved away to another state as soon as I was 18 years old. For a long time, I explained it to friends and family that I was moving away because of school but honestly, I just had to get away from my dad. It killed me to leave my mom but I knew that I could not stay near my dad because I could not deal with the lies and the fighting between my parents. Before I was 18, I would do anything I could to stay out of my house all day and sometimes all night. I couldn’t be there. What I know now is that I was doing all of this to protect myself because my anxiety and depression were getting worse the more time I spent near him. 

Moving away, no matter if it was for a reason like the one I had, was not okay in my family. I think my mom understood deep down why I was leaving but everyone else in my extended family saw this move as strange and wrong. Mexican daughters are not supposed to leave their parents’ house until they are married. I had aunts, uncles, and my grandmother telling me all the time how much my parents, especially my mom missed me, how I should come back home because it would be best for my parents, that it’s safer to be at home with them. My dad’s problems were a known secret to the extended family and yet, I was the bad one in the household. How dare I leave my parents before marriage. To this day, I have family members tell me that it is good I moved back to my home state (6 years later, mind you) because my family needed me. 

What frustrates me the most about all of this is that no one in my family (except maybe a cousin or two) seemed to understand the pain I was in when I lived at home. To them, my dad’s problems were just that, his problems. I was labeled the bad mexican daughter by my extended family because moving away was selfish and irresponsible. There could be no possible good reason for a young woman to move away from home, worse to another state.

Now I am 26 years old. I still get comments when my grandmother comes to visit the family that it’s a blessing to have me back in the same state as my parents, although I should really consider moving back with my parents all together. She loves to make me feel guilty, saying things like, “I know how happy your mom is to have you near again, she was so unhappy when you were gone. Your dad too. Good thing you realized the mistakes you made and came back.” 

What only my mom and sister know now is that I plan on moving out of state again in May of this year. I have a great opportunity waiting for me in Washington so my boyfriend, my dog, and I are moving up there. I couldn’t be more excited, I have always wanted to live in Washington. My mom is actually happy for me. I don’t know if it is because she knows I am not running away this time or if it’s because I’m older but she is understanding and happy. My sister was a little passive aggressive when she found out but it was a better reaction than I was expecting honestly. I don’t really care what my extended family thinks about the move and that is why I haven’t told any of them. I still need to tell my dad but with everything going on in this world, I just haven’t had the chance. I know when I call and tell him, he will be upset at me but I’m unfortunately used to it. I will be the bad mexican daughter once again but at this point in my life, I am okay with that. Wish me luck everyone when I finally decide to call my dad with this news, later this week!

Posted in blog, emotions, family, fandom, friendship, geek, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, music, nerd, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

To anyone that might read this

Hi my name is Stacey and thank you for visiting my blog. I started this blog years ago when I was going through the worst depression I have ever experienced and needed a safe place to express my emotions, my thoughts. My depression back in 2015 was no joke, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t function as a human being. I had to go on leave from work for six months and was going to therapy, at first five times a week, with a psychologist and a counselor. I had no real support in my life which made everything ten times tougher. I was in a loveless, harmful relationship with a guy that believed his problems were the only problems that mattered. My family lived in another state which sucked but honestly even if they had been in the same state, their presence would have probably added to my depression.

Let me explain. I love my mom and I know she loves me but I am a disappointment to her. I am first generation college student who was always good at school so my family expected me to go to a university, graduate in four years and get a good paying job right out of college. Let’s just say that did not happen. Instead I moved away from my family after my freshmen year, moved in with a boy, and dropped out of college. My family, especially my mom, likes to bring this up and how I should be done with school and my degree by now. Also my mom doesn’t believe in psychology and psychological disorders. She was raised in Mexico in a very Catholic environment and if you had a problem or any stress, you were to pray to God for help not go to a doctor or therapist. So when I had my mental breakdown, my mom could not understand why it was happening and she didn’t believe I needed therapy and medication. To add to all of this, I was getting texts from my sister, who was still living with my parents, that I needed to stop being selfish and move back home because I am upsetting our mom. Absolutely no support or kind words from her at all, just judgement. Lastly, the main reason my depression would have been worse with my family around…my dad. In another future post that I am going to write I will go into detail about my relationship with my dad. All I need to say now is that he was a compulsive gambler and alcoholic for my entire childhood and life (until recently) and he is a great deal of stress and anxiety in my life. I never told him about my depression or anxiety because he would have made a joke about it and believed that I was just being a “drama queen.” Currently, our relationship has improved slightly but if I spend too much time around him, or see him and my mom interact, my anxiety and stress spikes.

Okay, enough about my family drama. Back to reason I am writing all of this down. I want this page to be where I can write about anything and have a conversation with people about issues like depression, anxiety, family problems, unhealthy relationships. But also have a place to talk about fun things that I love like fantasy books (or just books in general XD), movies, harry potter, supernatural, dungeons and dragons, paranormal, conspiracies, etc. etc! I also want to continue to work on my poetry which has a special place in my heart. I think I covered everything I wanted to cover. I hope someone reads this and wants to come continue a conversation with me that I start. We shall see I guess! Thanks to anyone who is here reading this!

-Stacey

Posted in blog, emotions, life, lifestyle, Uncategorized

Change is okay

Don’t be afraid of change. Change is a terrifying thing but it can lead to you discovering who you are, where you totally belong, and lead to the best experiences in your life. This is the story of the biggest event in my life that completely changed the course of my life forever.

Ever since I moved out to Nebraska over five years ago, I have become a different person. I am definitely not the same young woman that wanted to move away from everything familiar. So desperate to escape the world that I believed was awful. And in many ways, I still think that my life back in Arizona was pretty terrible but it wasn’t all bad. I guess I should start this entry by saying I do not regret my choice to move from Arizona to Nebraska. I truly believe it was the best choice I have ever made in my life.

I remember when I told my family and friends that I wanted to move away from home, they thought I just wanted to move out of my parents’ home. When I specified that I was referring to moving out of state, to Nebraska no less, there was a lot of confusion and anger from those closest to me. At the time I was hurt that they didn’t believe enough in me to think I could survive away from everyone but as time has gone on, I know they were more scared and sad than anything else.

It’s crazy to believe that when I moved out here, I was only 18. I was so young. Okay, maybe 18 is not really that young but in my family and in my group of friends, you just didn’t move out of your parents until you are older. Or well, married. Anyways, I was young when I left everything I had ever known. When I was 18, I thought I was a full blown adult. I thought I know everything and I didn’t need help from my family with regards to anything. Oh how wrong I was.

The first week was so rough. What am I talking about? The first year was rough; adjusting to a new city, new roommates, new job, new EVERYTHING was terrifying. Even though Nebraska and Arizona are both of course in the United States, the culture in these two states is completely different. The hardest part about moving away was being gone during holidays. I honestly didn’t think I would get as homesick as I did. I remember crying any time there was a holiday coming up. The worst though was when my first birthday came around. My boyfriend and new friends did everything they could to keep my mind off of home.  I am so thoughtful for all of the people that have come into my life here in Nebraska. They are some of the best people I have ever met. I know I would have moved back a long time ago if it wasn’t for these incredible people.

Over time, I have finally come to see Nebraska as my home. I haven’t felt that homesickness that I felt when I first moved out here. I love Arizona, or well my friends and family down there but I don’t think I could ever live there anymore. I love the culture here in Lincoln. There are actual seasons here! I can experience autumn and winter. I have finally experienced snow and a white Christmas. I get the great feeling of a smaller town but with all of the comforts of a big city.

There are a billion events that have happened in the last five years here in Nebraska. I would have never experienced these things if I had stayed in Arizona. I know I would be a completely different person if I had stayed. I am truthfully so happy with the person I am today and my choice to make a massive change is behind it. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but it was worth it. The people who I have met here have allowed me to become the person I was always meant to be. I don’t feel the need to hide myself and that’s all because of this move and the people in my life now.

Change is a part of life. Many shy away from it. They never take a chance. I don’t blame them. Change is scary, it’s hard, and it’s unpredictable. But without change, without taking a chance with something different, you may never discover who you really are. Take that chance, make that change. They will change your life forever.