Posted in blog, emotions, life, love, poem, poetry, relationship

Everything

I cannot ask for more

Never in my deepest dreams 

Had I truly considered 

Finding someone like you 

Until one day 

You were there 

Before you

I never realized 

How the earth shook 

Under me 

Before you 

I had never 

Experienced true warmth 

True security 

The day we found each other 

That was the day 

The earth finally stood still 

I was finally 

On solid ground 

Everyday 

I see you 

I feel you 

And I thank the universe 

For you 

Posted in blog, emotions, family, fandom, friendship, geek, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, music, nerd, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

To anyone that might read this

Hi my name is Stacey and thank you for visiting my blog. I started this blog years ago when I was going through the worst depression I have ever experienced and needed a safe place to express my emotions, my thoughts. My depression back in 2015 was no joke, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t function as a human being. I had to go on leave from work for six months and was going to therapy, at first five times a week, with a psychologist and a counselor. I had no real support in my life which made everything ten times tougher. I was in a loveless, harmful relationship with a guy that believed his problems were the only problems that mattered. My family lived in another state which sucked but honestly even if they had been in the same state, their presence would have probably added to my depression.

Let me explain. I love my mom and I know she loves me but I am a disappointment to her. I am first generation college student who was always good at school so my family expected me to go to a university, graduate in four years and get a good paying job right out of college. Let’s just say that did not happen. Instead I moved away from my family after my freshmen year, moved in with a boy, and dropped out of college. My family, especially my mom, likes to bring this up and how I should be done with school and my degree by now. Also my mom doesn’t believe in psychology and psychological disorders. She was raised in Mexico in a very Catholic environment and if you had a problem or any stress, you were to pray to God for help not go to a doctor or therapist. So when I had my mental breakdown, my mom could not understand why it was happening and she didn’t believe I needed therapy and medication. To add to all of this, I was getting texts from my sister, who was still living with my parents, that I needed to stop being selfish and move back home because I am upsetting our mom. Absolutely no support or kind words from her at all, just judgement. Lastly, the main reason my depression would have been worse with my family around…my dad. In another future post that I am going to write I will go into detail about my relationship with my dad. All I need to say now is that he was a compulsive gambler and alcoholic for my entire childhood and life (until recently) and he is a great deal of stress and anxiety in my life. I never told him about my depression or anxiety because he would have made a joke about it and believed that I was just being a “drama queen.” Currently, our relationship has improved slightly but if I spend too much time around him, or see him and my mom interact, my anxiety and stress spikes.

Okay, enough about my family drama. Back to reason I am writing all of this down. I want this page to be where I can write about anything and have a conversation with people about issues like depression, anxiety, family problems, unhealthy relationships. But also have a place to talk about fun things that I love like fantasy books (or just books in general XD), movies, harry potter, supernatural, dungeons and dragons, paranormal, conspiracies, etc. etc! I also want to continue to work on my poetry which has a special place in my heart. I think I covered everything I wanted to cover. I hope someone reads this and wants to come continue a conversation with me that I start. We shall see I guess! Thanks to anyone who is here reading this!

-Stacey

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, mourning, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

Untitled

Been thinking of you lately 

All of our memories, 

our goals and dreams 

Images flood my mind 

The strangest things remind of me you 

The holidays always make me reflect 

On life, on my choices, my goals 

Before you were included in my life, choices, goals

Now you don’t fit into the equation

Around me I see happiness, a future 

I see my dreams coming true

A smile on my face more and more 

Then I remember you and the past 

You were my biggest cheerleader, 

My best friend 

But you choose to be hostile, to change and 

not be willing to change together 

So now I’m happy 

But without you

it seems weird 

I know it’s just weird now 

This is all new to me, of course it’s weird 

Soon I’ll still be happy

But without the weirdness  

because eventually this weirdness will disappear

Posted in blog, emotions, friendship, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, mourning, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

This is the end

Today 

I lost you 

For a long time I denied it 

I was in denial 

But today I lost you 

 

You and I were broken

Damaged 

Alone 

But you and I were twins at the end of the day

 

Together we suffered 

Together we survived 

Together we conquered

Because we were twins 

 

When we were down, we had each other 

When we were up, we celebrated together

When we cried, we cried together

When we needed support, we supported each other 

 

Now we scowl, bark, bicker

Now we judge, criticize, disdain

 

Do you miss us?

I know I do

 

Losing you has hurt me more than I imagined 

Losing you has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to face

This loss will take a long time to recover 

But I will recover

I will move on, 

I will be happy

Posted in emotions, friendship, lifestyle, love, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

Unknown Game

Silence speaks loudly to me
This distance draws me closely
The unknown kills
While the known changes to fiction

Everything happens for a reason
But the reason is unclear
And when the silence speaks louder than words
This game is painful
No enjoy remains

I may appear weak
Fragile
I swear I am not
Honesty is all I seek

The silence kills me
The unknown cripples me
Be honest
Free me of this constant torture

Posted in blog, emotions, poem, poetry, Uncategorized

Pretend

Force that smile,
that affection,
that laughter,
Force that joy

That is what they all want
No sadness
No anxiety
Only joy

A constant performance of happiness
Acceptable
Nothing less than that

How dare you not be happy?
You were never anxious before
Completely unacceptable
Do better

Your anxiety
Makes us uncomfortable
No reason for it
We will dismiss it now

Force that smile,
that affection,
that laughter

Not anymore
Never again

-Stacey

Posted in blog, poem, poetry

Serenity

I want peace
That is all I want
Secure and safety
That is all I want

Is that too much to ask for?
Others have that,
Why not me?
I’m a decent person
Or maybe I’m not

I want happiness
That feeling to everyone should feel
I’ll take content
I just don’t want to feel any emptiness
Every second of every day

Peace, secure, safety
All of these and more
I want these in my life
Please someday soon
Let my life change

-Stacey

serenity

Posted in blog, lifestyle, poem, poetry

Hello

It all starts with a hello
What can it hurt?
Say hello to those forgotten
Say hello to those lost
It all starts with a hello

Reconnect with old friends
Remember the good old times,
Those amazing memories
Start planning to make more
It all starts with a hello

You could end up meeting new people,
Finding your soulmate
Discover a new passion
Create new adventures
It all starts with a hello

Hello
Such a powerful word
Very scary and intense
But a hello is all you need
It all starts with a hello

-Stacey

Posted in blog, emotions, poem, poetry

Poem #5

Am I basic?
Am I trying too hard?
Am I fake?

Stereotypes are all around
Expectations are high
Criticism happens

I shouldn’t care
I shouldn’t be phony
I shouldn’t let them change me

I like basic and different things
I like being the best me
I don’t like being fake

Being happy should be okay
Being upset should be okay

Allowing all emotions
Terrifying
But doable

Someday
Someday everything will be okay
There will be no more doubt
Only courage

-Stacey