Posted in Bad Mexican Daughter, blog, emotions, family, fandom, Insecurities, life, lifestyle

The Bad Mexican Daughter, Part 2: “Family Don’t End With Blood”

Welcome back to The Bad Mexican Daughter. I hope those of you who read the first part of this series not only enjoyed it but also connected to it in someway. I know that for me, as I was writing part 1, I felt a major sense of relief. Those were thoughts I have had for years, thoughts that had haunted and taunted me. It felt good to be able to express myself freely for the first time. Not holding back at all. 

So I want to continue that feeling. Here is The Bad Mexican Daughter, Part 2: “Family Don’t End With Blood”

“Family Don’t End With Blood” has become a very important part of my life and how I see the world. For those of you who do not recognize that signing, don’t worry I will explain its origin and for those that do know this quote, let’s be friends! Anyways, this quote was said by a character in the TV show, Supernatural (one of my favorite shows of all time). He is yelling this quote to the two main characters, explaining that even though they are not blood related, they are family. 

This statement has always held a very special place in my heart. I have always been that individual that felt more comfortable, more understood with people outside of my family than with those that I share blood with. That is a very un-Mexican thing to think. My parents, especially my mom always argued with me because I didn’t like going to family parties. That feeling started at a young age, probably 8-9. I just knew that I didn’t fit in with my cousins, that I didn’t want to play or dance with my family. My mom would just say that I was misbehaving and she would force me to go to family events. 

Let me explain one thing very quickly. I came from a typical Mexican family, meaning LARGE family. Both of my parents had several siblings and cousins and those individual’s all had 2-6 kids so I have A LOT of cousins. And unfortunately for me, I have only ever truly connected with 3 of those cousins. My extended family loves parties, loud music, dancing, drinking, etc. That is not my scene at all so during these events I would find the farthest corner away from everyone with my close 2-3 cousins, if they were there, and just tried to ignore everything around me. Those events always made me anxious and uncomfortable, yet I still had to go. 

Lucky for me, once I got into high school, started honor classes and joining clubs, I had several excuses to miss those parties. Eventually the only time I would see my extended family was at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Even then, I would leave early to spend time with friends or my boyfriend at the time. 

The older I got, the more certain I was that my “family” wasn’t only those related to me by blood. When I say this, I want to make sure that everyone understands that I am not saying that my blood family isn’t my family anymore. But those who I have chosen to be my new family are just as important and precious to me as the others. Family should be those who you want in your life, to share important moments with, the people who understand you. For me, the majority of those individuals are not blood relatives and that is okay. 

Sometimes, I feel bad feeling this way. Mexican culture is very strongly connected to family. Family is the most important thing in the world, next to God. I was told this my entire life. So when I say that the family I have chosen isn’t those blood related to me, its almost like a slap in the face to my blood-related family. But I believe we all have the right to feel comfortable and safe with those we call family and that is why I can’t call all of my blood relatives my true family. 

When I was younger, I figured these thoughts and feelings would go away but they only intensified. Now as a 26 year old woman, I can understand that these thoughts, these feelings are perfectly okay and this acceptance all started with that quote from Supernatural, “Family Don’t End With Blood.” If you feel closer and safer with people who are not blood relatives, that is okay. If you want to spend time with your new family more than your blood relatives, that is okay. Life is too short to continually put yourself in situations where we feel uncomfortable and strange.

Posted in blog, emotions, family, fandom, friendship, geek, Insecurities, life, lifestyle, love, music, nerd, poem, poetry, relationship, Uncategorized

To anyone that might read this

Hi my name is Stacey and thank you for visiting my blog. I started this blog years ago when I was going through the worst depression I have ever experienced and needed a safe place to express my emotions, my thoughts. My depression back in 2015 was no joke, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t function as a human being. I had to go on leave from work for six months and was going to therapy, at first five times a week, with a psychologist and a counselor. I had no real support in my life which made everything ten times tougher. I was in a loveless, harmful relationship with a guy that believed his problems were the only problems that mattered. My family lived in another state which sucked but honestly even if they had been in the same state, their presence would have probably added to my depression.

Let me explain. I love my mom and I know she loves me but I am a disappointment to her. I am first generation college student who was always good at school so my family expected me to go to a university, graduate in four years and get a good paying job right out of college. Let’s just say that did not happen. Instead I moved away from my family after my freshmen year, moved in with a boy, and dropped out of college. My family, especially my mom, likes to bring this up and how I should be done with school and my degree by now. Also my mom doesn’t believe in psychology and psychological disorders. She was raised in Mexico in a very Catholic environment and if you had a problem or any stress, you were to pray to God for help not go to a doctor or therapist. So when I had my mental breakdown, my mom could not understand why it was happening and she didn’t believe I needed therapy and medication. To add to all of this, I was getting texts from my sister, who was still living with my parents, that I needed to stop being selfish and move back home because I am upsetting our mom. Absolutely no support or kind words from her at all, just judgement. Lastly, the main reason my depression would have been worse with my family around…my dad. In another future post that I am going to write I will go into detail about my relationship with my dad. All I need to say now is that he was a compulsive gambler and alcoholic for my entire childhood and life (until recently) and he is a great deal of stress and anxiety in my life. I never told him about my depression or anxiety because he would have made a joke about it and believed that I was just being a “drama queen.” Currently, our relationship has improved slightly but if I spend too much time around him, or see him and my mom interact, my anxiety and stress spikes.

Okay, enough about my family drama. Back to reason I am writing all of this down. I want this page to be where I can write about anything and have a conversation with people about issues like depression, anxiety, family problems, unhealthy relationships. But also have a place to talk about fun things that I love like fantasy books (or just books in general XD), movies, harry potter, supernatural, dungeons and dragons, paranormal, conspiracies, etc. etc! I also want to continue to work on my poetry which has a special place in my heart. I think I covered everything I wanted to cover. I hope someone reads this and wants to come continue a conversation with me that I start. We shall see I guess! Thanks to anyone who is here reading this!

-Stacey

Posted in fandom, geek, nerd

Fandoms!

The last couple of posts we have posted have been kind of serious and deep but like I said before that all of the posts will be like that. I am very excited for this post because it’s going to be about FANDOMS! Just in case there is someone out there that doesn’t know what fandoms are, a fandom is a group of people that feel a connection because of their love and massive interest in a specific topic. Over the last couple of years, thanks to tumblr and other social media sites, fandoms have become very popular and people love to embrace their “obsessions.” I hope no one gets offend with me saying obsession because it’s completely okay to be obsessed and absolutely in love with a TV show, music artist, comic book hero, etc. I honestly can’t even list all of my fandoms or obsession because there are so many. My entire house is covered with posters and merchandise of my favorite fandoms. I love that in the last couple of years, it has become okay to display your love for these things and talk about our obsessions. During high school, I always felt like I couldn’t completely be myself and show the love I have for so many fandoms. Most of the friends that I hung out with during high school were way more into performing in band/marching band/drum corps, ultimate Frisbee, and other things that were definitely not my fandoms. I was 100% definitely the nerd and geek in my high school group of friends. My twin, Mallory, said something to me when we started hanging out that she never thought I was a nerd or geek because of the way I presented myself with my clothing and makeup. I started hanging out with a few people at Walmart where I worked at the time and a lot of them agreed that they had no idea I liked nerdy things because I just didn’t look like the “type” (whatever that means) and I never talked about my obsessions. When I started at Arizona State University and started hanging out with Mallory and other nerds from Walmart more and more besides just my friends from high school, I started to feel like I could share my love for my fandoms and it was accepted. I started to not be afraid of talking about my fandoms and wouldn’t hide the merchandise that I purchased of these fandoms.

The most important fandom to me would have to be Supernatural. From the first episode that aired in 2005, I was completely in love and infatuated with this TV show. I was 11, about to turn 12, when it started and have definitely grown up with Supernatural and have always been a loyal fan! One reason this show means so much to me is because Supernatural is the reason I find my soulmate, my twin Mallory! One random day at Walmart, Mallory and I had lunch together and one of us brought up Supernatural and from that moment, we were forever friends. Another reason why Supernatural means a lot to me is because I was really into the paranormal, fantasy shows and movies but before Supernatural, I never really had a chance to learn about different paranormal stuff or folk lore. But this show allowed me to increase my interest in all of those areas. I could go on and on about why Supernatural is the best show ever but I will only talk about one more reason why I love it. The best thing about this amazing show is the cast. Everyone who has ever been on this show, whether they are still around or have died, is absolutely fucking awesome!  Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, Misha Collins, Felicia Day, Mark Sheppard, I could go on and on about the amazing actors and actresses on Supernatural but I just love how incredible and hilarious all of them are. I love that when you watch the gag reels for the seasons, interviews, or they go to conventions, every single cast member is open and loves their fans.

-Stacey